Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 75, 29 March 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

ONE THING. Wife: "What did you ever do that benefited any fellow-man?" Husband: ."I married you, didn't I?" A PROBLEM. Miss Sappe: "Yes, the captain lias asked me to sit on his right hand for dinner tonight." Mr. Witte: "You don't say so? Then what's he going to stir his coffee with?" FATHER KNEW. "How did your father know we went out in the car yesterday?" "Quite simple! You know that stout man we ran over? That was father." FASHION NOTE. "Well, skirts had to be longer." "Yes, to be skirts any longer ."■ WELL "PUNCTUATED. Mother: "Now, Willie, be a good boy andeat up yo.ur figs." Wnlic: "I don't like them, mother. They're just skins full of full stops." ACCEPTED. Returned Diner: "I left a wallet containing £100 in notes on the table." Thankful Waiter: "Yes, I found it, and I appreciate your thought." OBEDIENCE. "Does your wife obey you?" "She does. Ten years ago, when wo were married, I told her to run the house just as she pleased. And she has!" SILENT COMFORT. "My wife used to play the piano a lot, but since the children came she doesn't have time." "Children are a, comfort, aren't they?" DELICACIES. Explorer's Wife: "Look! that wretched Eskimo you brought back from the Arctic is eating all the candles on your birthday cake!" JUDGING BY LOOKS. Hawker: "Any beer bottles, lady?" Lady: "Do I look as if I drank beer?" Hawker: "Well, vinegar bottles, lady?" MORE CONVENIENT. Prospective Employer: "Are you one of those girls who watch the clock?" Fair Applicant: "Oh, no, not at all. I have a wrist watch." PROOF IN EVIDENCE. "Call these prize cattle? Why, they ain't nothing to what our folks raise. My father raised the biggest calf of any man around our parts." "Don't doubt it," remarked a bystander, "and the noisiest." , THE DILEMMA. The employer called his secretary. "Here, John, look at this letter. I can:t make out whether it's froni my tailor ov my lawyer. They're both named Smith." And this is what John read: "1 have begun your suit. Ready to be tried on Thursday.—Smith." RADICAL REVISION. "Why is Murray Rime looking so sad?" "He sent his poem, "The Memory of a Moth,' to an editorial friend for revision!" • "Well, what happened?" . • "The editor chauged the title, omitted II verses, aud rewrote the others!" STILLING THE OCEAN. Ho wrote: "Nothing,you may do, dearest, can still the ocean, of emotion in my heart." She wrote: "Enclosed herewith, dearest, please find my last hat bill." AS USUAL. Elderly Geutlemau: "Is this the cheapest umbrella you keep?" Assistant: "Yes, sir,- the very cheapest." "I'll take it. I only want it for leaving behind iv the train." PROFANE SILENCE. An American was playing golf with a bishop. The prelate "muffed" a shot, and there was an eloquent pause. Then: "Say, Bishop," remarked the American, "guess that's the most profane silence 1 ever listened to." A REMEDY. An old_ lady who took a great interest in municipal matters was walking over a golf course, and noticed the bunkers here and there. She wrote to the town council asking why they didn't engage a number of the unemployed to fill in the many holes on the course, which caused the players so much annoyance, and iuduced so much bad language. KEEPING IT DARK. The new minister called upon a member of his congregation, and finding no one at home slipped a card through the Jetterbox after scribbling upon it the words, "Sorry to'find you out." When the lady returned home, the maid met her at the door and presented the card with a whisper:. "Heire, mum, I took charge of this. It would never do for people to know the minister has found you out, would it?" THE PARSON'S PROBLEM. A clergyman caused a slight seusatiou among his congregation, particularly among those mathematically inclined on giving out a hymn. He announced it as follows:—"Hymn number two hundred and twenty-two—ten thousand times ton thousand—two hundred and twenty-two." A ribald young man remarked after the service was over: "I didn't work it out, because the hymn would have been finished by the time 1 had found the answer." THE "SWEET OLD THING." Iho new typist . had been having a lengthy talk with a friend over the telephone when the boss walked in.' '"Miss Smith," he said severely, "I cannot allow yo4i to have private calls." "It was a business call, sir," replied the girl. "Oh," he said quietly, "in that case please remember that this firm is always respectful to its clients, and never calls them "sweet old thing." "ALL THE WINNERS." The C.30 edition had just come out and the newsboy, rushing along with his familiar slogan, "Winners. .. . All the winners," caught the eye of a man. "Piper, sir?'" he inquired. "Well," said the man with a frown, "I do want a paper, but I hope there is something in it beside 'the winners." " "Oh, yes, guv-nor," said .the boy, brightly, "there's ter-morrer's runners as well." TRUTH IN ADVERTISING. The proprietor of a provincial underwear store stood in the editorial office of the local newspaper purple with indignation. "Look at my advertisement in your wretched paper!" he bellowed to the editor. "Please be calm and tell me what is wrong," said the editor, soothingly. "What's wrong?" cried Uio draper. "Why, I sent in an advertisement reading, 'We make men's wear'—and here you have put 'We make men swear!" EFFICIENCY. He was a new customer from the country, and he had given a fairly large order. The covx'teous old senior partner was cooducting him over the establishment, and the various improvements caused Mr. Giles boundless astonishment. He was particularly interested in a table telephone. He had never seen anything of the sort before. "It is a great convenience to us," explained the senior partner. "You see, I can communicate with all the departments without moving from my de»k here." "My, that's wonderful," said Giles. "Can I try it myself?" "Certainly." The visitor got himself switched on to the packing room. . "Have Mr. Giles's, of Stoneville, goods been packed yet?" he inquired. Back came the answer. "No, we haven't packed them yet. We're waiting for a telegram from his town; he looks like a slippery customer!"

VALUE OF THE DRAMA. One never realises how many different varieties of cough there are until a tense moment arrives at the theatre. WELL MET. "Do j-ou find it hard to meet expenses?" "Heavens, no. 1 meet 'ec- everywhere." GOOD ADVICE. Smith —Jones, I'm going to marry and settle down. Jones—Humph! You'd better remain single and settle up! IN LOTS. Car Salesman —Our car's no good? Why, we're selling them by the dozen! . . Prospective Buyer—l'm not surprised. How much are the}' a dozen? AFTER THE PARTY. Nurse: "Dear me, child, how sticky your hands ate!" Child: "So would yours be i£ you had a chocolate eclair in one pocket and two cream buna in the o'her." HIS LUCK. - A fair Parisienne is alleged to have .shot her husband soon after she had returned from her first shooting lesson. Unluckily for the husband, he happened to be where she wasn't aiming. HAVES AND HAVENOTS. "These rich people make me sick. What's the use of having money if you don't know how to enjoy it!" "Well, what's the use of knowing how to enjoy it if you haven't got it?" LINGERING'LONGER. "1 don't care' what you say, young man," said the landlady, "you're not leaving this house until your bill is paid." "Ah, well," remarked the other. "I suppose that I must make the best of it. ■What's this town like at Easter?" GIVE AND TAKE. Teacher: "Tommy, what in the future of 'I give'?" Tommy: "You take! NOT SPEEDING. Informative Porter (to local Magistrate): ."It's no use for you to grumble about the train being late. Only last week you fined young Jones, the engmedriver, for going too fast on. his motorbike." MOTHER GOOSE. Old farmer Steinkraus went to the hen house To get his good wife a fat pullet; When he gbt there the hen house was But the'thief was stopped by a bullet. SHANKS'S PONY. Book Agent (to farmer): "You ought to buy an encyclopaedia, now that your boy is going to school." Farmer: "Not on your life: Let him walk the same as I did." NOT SCARED. Uncle (taking young niece for a golf lesson): "Perhaps we shall see Cleek on the links. He's the bogey-mau, you know." o Niece: "Don't be silly, uncle. . Mr. Cleek won't frighten me." SQUARED. i "What did father say when you told him you were going to take me away from him?" "He seemed to feel his loss keenly at j first, but 1 squared things with a good cigar." STILL HOPE. Tommy had been playing truant from school, and had spent a long, beautiful clay fishing. On his way back he met one of his young cronies, who^ accosted him with the usual question, "Caught anything?" Fully conscious of his guilt, Tommy quickly responded, "No; ain't been home yet!" CHANGEABLE. The business men were talking about their employees. "Well, old Johnson has grown greyhaired in my service." "I've got a girl with me who has grown yellow, brown, and red haired in my service." SOMETHING IN A NAME. ""What are you goin;- to call your new car?" "Circumstances." "That's a funny name." "No, I don't think so. Haven't you heard of circumstances over which a fellow has no control?" > ONE WAY OUT. House Owner: "You failed to pay your rent last month. What are you going to do about it?" Tenant: "Oh, I suppose I'll do as you said when I rented it." "What did I say." "That I must pay in advance or not at all." CAREFUL CLEANING. "What's the first thing you do when cleaning your rifle?" the sergeant demanded. "Look at the r.umber," said the newcomer. "Oh," barked the sergeant, "and what's the big idea?" "To make sure 1 don't clean someone else's." ONE IN A THOUSAND. The policeman on duty at Lincoln's Inn Fields was accosted by a man who looked us though he had come up from the country. "Excuse me," said the visitor, "I've got an appointment wi' a chap in this square, but I've lost his name and address. 'Owever, you'll soon be able to put me right, I reckon, because—triumphantly—Vs a lawyer 'c is." OUR YOUNG HOPEFUL. He steals the jam and strews the floor With junk of every kind; He tracks the kitchen, slams the door, And can't be made to mind. He teasew Tabby, riles the cook, And throws around his toys. He mutilates each treasured boob, And drives us mad with noise. He wrecks the garden, runß away. And tights for all he's vorth. What would we taken for him? What! Eh? Not anything on earth! NOT QUITE THE SCORE. "Hallo, Bill! 'Off did you get on to-day against Biffen Rovers?" asked Tom. "'Oh," said Bill, "wo gave 'em a good run for their money, even though they beat us." "Play in goal as usual?" asked Tom. "Yes," replied Bill, "and if it hadn't been for me in goal we would have lost by about 20 goals to nothing." "Well done, Bill," praised Tom, "and what was the final score?" "Nineteen-nil." A HEAVY SMOKER. "You are a heavy smoker, sir," said an Irishman to an American. "Yes," replied the American. "I am so fond of smoking that I have made a very curious provision in my will." "What'e the provision?" asked the Irishman. "The provision is that when I.die a supply of cigarettes bo buried witn me." "Begorra!" retorted the Irishman; "you won't have far to go for a light?" a' mixed mail. A farmer wrote to the editor of an agricultural paper asking for a method of ridding his orchard of the grasshopper plague. In the same mail the editor received a requisition for advice from an anxious mother about her twins, who were having a hard time teething. The farmer received this reply: "Wrap flannel cloths around their throats. Rub gums twice a day with castor oil, and massage their stomachs." The anxious mother received this startling reply: "Cover with dry straw. Soak thoroughly with coal oil and apply match. The little pests will soon stop bothering you."