Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVIII, Issue 90, 12 October 1929, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Thompson: I don't'know what to do to please my wife. Johnson: Tried suicide, old man?

Tommy: They say broadcasting has passed the infant stage. I wish the infant next door had passed the broadcasting stage. . . . '?

"Just ma luck!" muttered Sandy, stopping at a large advertising placard. "Medicine going at half-price, and I'm in perfect health."

Her Suitor: Sir, may I have your daughter? . . : ' Heal Estate Man: Yes, but you'll have to sign a two years' lease. ■

A.gaiiy decorated car, taking the newly' married couple from a'Belfast church, had on-the back in-large letters the inscription:—

"Aisle Altar Hymn."

Mary: Do you think a girl can love before twenty? ■ Marjorie: No, I don't. It's far too big an audience.

"Bobby, if you're a good boy this afternoon while I'm-entertaining company, I'll give you a penny." "A .penny! Gee whiz, mother, you are always, looking for -'bargains." '

, He: "I say—would you like to, dance this fox-trot?" ' .' ' ' ' . She: "Oh, thank you so much!" He: "Good! I'll go and try to find you a partner." ' .

Judge: Your wife complains that you never worked. How about it, Kastiis? Hastus: Dat woman's crazy: Ask her what ah was doin'. ,de second Tuesday ob last-August. . .' ...

"You recommend me this cashier, and said he would never.steal a penny, and now he has absconded.with £5000." .

"Yes, I' knew he would begin with something more than a ■ penny;"

He: Wliat'is the.sense of patting, all that trimming on the back ; of yonr-hat? Do you suppose any man can see theiback of.your;hat. when helmeets.you?', -■ She: No; but every woman will when she passes _me. ■■-'„ .

Prospective Son-in-law: f'l quite' fail to see your, objection.- You admit that my character ia without; blemish."

The Father: "Yes,- that's jusf the trouble. Nice thing it; would be for me to go through the rest of my life with you held up as a "shining example!"

A young woman was grumbling that she had been deprived of a bit of sight seeing by the fact that a friend had got married secretly. Said her brother: "Well, I'suppose a man, can do as he likes. His wedding's his own funeral, anyhow!" ■

Mrs. Cane: D'you know 'Tin afraid Mrs. Fitzpots must be offended about Bometbing, Dick.' She hasn't been to see us for several days." Mr. Cane: Oh! Well, next time she crimes, • dear, find out ■ what it is, and we'll try it again.

Employer: Look here,. what did you mean by telling me,you had had seven years' experience in a. bank when you were juat graduated from college this June? .

Employee: Well, you said the firm needed a inau with imagination.

Little Johnny had, as usual, been very naughty, and his. father took down a cane. "Ah, Johnny, my lad," he sighed, "this, I can assure you, is going to hurt me more than it will you!" "Well, dad," Johnny suggested, hopefully, "be careful not to be too severe on yourself!"

They were talkingof the new- member in. the travellers' club, a Scotsman. . "You know," observed one humorous ■soul;-."a Scotsman once he gets to London never goes back home again—unless it's to. fetch his brother."

"Ah," said another man,'"niaybe; but there's not nearly so many Scots coming south these dayß."

"Really?" questioned the witfr one. "Oh, no," replied the other. JCFher get born in London nowadays toJrgave the fare." , . . ..

A well-known conjuror one-day visited a small village in a certain part,of Lancashire. After performing, many astonishing tricks he asked for a halfpenny, which a collier lent him.

The conjuror then said, he would turn it into a sovereign. He did bo, as the people thought, and handedit round for inspection. '

When it wan passed to the collier he coolly pocketed it; and said to the astonished conjuror: "Will tha' change another?"

Tte grocer was busily - engaged attending the wants of his customers when he suddenly caught sight of a small boy gazing at a large crate o£ oranges with longing eyes.. ■•. .

"Now then, my kd/' he began, ''what ai-a you up to? "Nothing," replied the boy. "Nothing," echoed the grocer. ''Well, it looks to me «s if you were trying to take^one of those oranges." "you're wrong, mister," retorted the boy promptly. "I'm trying not to."

I A'farmer took his wife to a concert, and after listening with apparent joy the pair suddenly- became interested in one of; the choruses, All We, Like Sheep, Have Gone Asttay. <( First a sharp soprano voice exclaimed, All we, like sheep"; next a deep voice uttered in a most earnest tone, "All we, like sheep." Then all the singers at once asserted, "All we, like sheep." "Well, I don't!" exclaimed the farmer to his wife. "I like beef and bacon, but I can't bear mutton."

During his vacation a lawyer met an old friend in the village,, and their conversation drifted to a discussion of the natives. A young farmer came under their view.

"He's a .fine-looking fellow," said the lawyer.

|'Ye-e-s," assented his friend. 'Well, anyway^ he has a mighty good ncaa. , < "It ought to be good," w«as the reply. That man's head is brand new—he's never used it."

ARE THE POLICE.MUZZLED?

■ Extract from'a provincial newspaper in ■1 ranee: "Any owner a dog caught by a policeman wandering about without a muzzle will be subject to punishment."

THE. DAMP INN

A young man who had spent a weekend motoring was retailing his experiences to an elderly aunt.

"It was a jolly change,: escepfc on one occasion when I encountered a damp inn," he said. '

. "Oh," said, the .aunt severely, "I presume the^—er^—pin went through your tire."

RETURNED WITH. THANKS.

A man sent a small boy to deliver a note to a young woman who lived a few streets away. He gave the.boy twopence, to that he would hurry. After a short time the messenger came back, and, returning the money, said: Mies Jones says she will be glad to see you to-night, but she didn't want the twopence!"

THE UPPER HAND.

{ Its-a fine day," said -the- barber. It is," agreed the'little man,.who was about to be shaved. There was a'long'silence. The barber tried again. "What party do you favour in the eomtiigelection?" he 'asked. ,J 'The same one' as yourself," said the HUle_ man. This was too much' for the barber. ' "Look here, sir," he said, Tiow oil earth do^you, know: what my .opinions: are?" . • ■t don't," 'said :the;.customer,, "but you've, got-the. razor.".

OX TOP.

Click: "Have you ever noticed that successful men are.bald?" Clack: "Naturally; they come out on top."

NOT DESPERATE,

"Well, do you want a meal enough to work for it?" "I'm just hungry, madame, not desperate." :

.WHAT BOYS LIVE FOR, '■"Xow, Herbert, how many seasons are there?" . .

"Two." "Only two? Name them." "Cricket and football."'

FACE VALUE.

Friend (to Magistrate at the Police Court): "I see you have a toughish lot of customers to deal with this morning." "Hush," whispered the Magistrate. "Those are'the solicitors."

URGENT BUSINESS.

Angry Employer: "See here! You told my secretary that you wanted to see me on a. matter of life and death."

Bright Young Man: "I do, sir. ■ I want to get you to insure yourself."

ABOUT MRS. SMITH.

"Have you heard the awful story about Mrs. Smith? It has quite upset me." "No; what is it?" "Oh, I wanted-to ask you—l am not quite sure myself."'

CLEAR.

"Your wife is a very systematic'woman, isn't she?" ■ ■••••.

"Yes, very! She works on the theory that you can find whatever you want when you don't want it by looking where it wouldn't be if you did- want it!"

RATHER DIFFERENT.

Mr.. Gabalot:. "And so you are the.lady who is giving my wife painting lessons. What sort of a.pupil is she?"" Miss Dauber: "Well, I:find'her very apt, to say the: least." ..'.",

Mr.Gabalpt: "That's funny..' I always find^her apt to say the most!"

STILL 'UNSATISFIED.

"Ah!" he. sighed. "If you -only gave me the least, possible 'hope, I— —"■ '•" ' "Good gracions!" retorted;' the hardhearted belle. ■ "I've :been-giving: you the least I ever gave to any man:" ' . ;

NOT THAT YOU'D. NOTICE,

Manager (to new clerk): "I notice you make mistakes occasionally^ Miss-Shed-lock." . . - . , . .

Miss Shedlock: : "Well, really, i£ one didn't, make an occasional mistake, one would never be noticed at all in this office."

OUR SCOTCH FRIEND.

A. Scotsman';, an Englishman, a.- Welshman, arid an Irishman were invited "to a banquet,.an unusual banquet by:reason of-the'fact that eachguest had to take something to supplement the feast. The Englishman took,meat, the Welshman leeks, the. Irishman potatoes, and the Scotsman hia brother. . • ■

BRIGHT SCHOLAR.

Mother, yon. must- have known our teacher when you went, to' school." ' "Why, yes, I did." ; "He seemed--to remember you to-day He told me what a'bright girl I was, and then'he said: It really doesn't seem possible that you can.be Amy Jones's daughter."'. . .

MODERN CHILD.

She was trying to. be nice to :£he little girl, whose mother was a great" friend of hers. . , " .

i. A? peyou are S?ttinS on well at school, she said. "Now, -1 wonder. if you can spell 'horse.'" „.'J could if I wanted to," replied the little girl. "But don't you think it's rather old-fashioned":"

' SOMETHING OF, EVERYBODY. First Aunt: "He.has his mother's eyes, the darling. : . ■ Second Aunt: "And his grandmother's small hands and feet." i

Third Aunt: "And his grandfather's noble brow." • ; Small Boy: "And his father's trousers cut-down."

PERSONAL.

-Office Boy: "You are wanted on the telephone, sir. ■ • ■. . ■ ■Chief: "Who is it?" • '. ' : ' "Your wife, sir." |/What does she want?" , ' .•\'- I' <J,°.?' t know. I' only heard the word idiot. ' "Come away. Can't you,see she wants to speak to me personally."

THE PROBLEM OF;TO-DAY.

*t. £ ood, mercltul heavens!- Just look at that girl over there. I ask' you! plus fours, shingled, bmgled, and dingled to the last hair. Did you ever see such a sight in all your life? She looks like a man—absolutely like a man. One can scarcely tell the difference." inA' y allow me to inform you, sir, that i this is my daughter." "Great Scott! I—l apologise. I-had no idea you were her father." Im not. I'm her mother!"

THE BOTTLE MESSAGE.

The charge .was one of drunkenness. And what further evidence have' you to offer, constable," said the Magistrate except that you found the accused lying complacently in a horse trough in the public square?" •

This, your worship,"; said r the policeman, producing an 'empty whisky bottle. It was floating beside:him, and-inside it was the message: 'Wrecked off.BuU's Head. One • survivor."

MOCKING HIM.

I was sitting in a train with two men. when oneof them asked the other: "C-e----c-c-could you t-t-t-t-tell methe t-t-t-fc-time p-p-please?" ,

The, man to whom he • addressed the question, remained silent. He was asked the same question again,' but still he did not speak. Isupplied the information to the inquirer, and, after he had alighted at the next station, I asked tho other why he had not-answered'him. ' 'W-w-what!" he spluttered: "And get me.-. b-b-blooming head p-p-punched f-f-for m-m-m-mockirig him?" . :

WISDOM.

A- visitor in a small village, watching an. old rustic fishing in a shallow stream, noticed that for half an hour the angler's hook ■ was ■ never drawn from the'water. Are there any fish in that stream?" asked the visitor at,last. ' "No, sir; . I don?t think ■ so," replied the old man. .

"But you seem to be fishing." "Yes, sir." "Then what is your object?" was the next question. "My object, sir, is ;toV show the wife that I've- no time to peel the 'taters."

THIEVES' HONOUR.

George: looked! • He was right. He had heard". cries for help. There was a big bully of a man beating another much smaller individual. ■-.-■. Like a shot the young man threw himself into the fray. In another moment the bully ; was laid low. by a well-timed upper-cut. .'.... '"Ow can I thank you?"'asked the victim, as he puliad himself together. "Now, look 'ere. I insist on your sharin'■ the ten-bob note I took off 'im,'and the,next blinkin'rpocket I try to pick.will belong toa man ,'arf as big 'as me." ■ .• the shaver:, ..' '. j "You must drink' hot water with' your whisky," the! doctor "told his patient, "otherwise you musn't take it at all." "But how shall I get the hot water?" the-patient asked. .."My wife won't let mehave it for thewhiskj-.to-dayl" "Tell her you want to shave,"*tlie doctor said, and. took 'his departure. The liest day the doctoriasked the-wife how his patient was. "He's -quite -mad/'-she- replied.. . "He I shaves every ten - mxD.utes."' ' • "