Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVIII, Issue 84, 5 October 1929, Page 21

Wit and Humour

"Do you know why Eve bit the apple?" \ery simple. Because she had no knife to cut.it." kiss*'* >0U Eay he doesn>t know kow to "Np. I gay he-didn't know how to KISS. Magistrate—The best thing for you to do is to go home and make it up with your Husband—And what is the second best thing.' i( '"Tue brave man," wrote the schoolboy, rode^forward through a hail of bullets, lwo horses were shot under him and a third went through his hat." . "There goes, a fellow who chased round tor yeaip trying to land, a political job." Weir, what does he do now?" 'Nothing. He got the job." Wife (outside milliner's shop)—l will nave that hat or none! _ Husband—Good—then you had better haye. none. "How was the scenery on your trip?" Well, the toothpaste ads. were rather better done than the tobacco, but there was more furniture than anything else." Manager o£ Opera Company—l need a tenor, badly. Friend (with feeling)—So do I, though a fiver wouldn't come amiss. "Animals," says a naturalist, "don't know how lucky they are." Does a family of rabbits, for instance, realise that they are running abaat in a beautiful sealskin coat? 1 Occasional Visitor—That waiter is very slow with the wine; wonder if he's dusting the cobwebs off? Regular Customer—No; he's putting them on. Friend—Hullo, Jones; you growing a moustache? Jones (fed up with answering same question)—No; I'm just breaking it in for my son. Dealer—Smith, why don't you sell that rattle-trap and buy a new car? Smith—Nothing doing. It makes so much noise I can't: hear my wife's directions from the back seat. Vicar—l hear, your son has run away to London? Farmer—Ay, arter we a-learnin' 'im to milk forty cows a day that be all th's tanks Oi get. Mother—Hurry or you'll be late for your music lesson. Haven't you those shoes on yet? Junior—Yes'm, all except this one I'm putting on and one more. He—Are you fond of moving pictures, Jean? ' She (hopefully)— Aye, Sandy. Then maybe, lasa, yell help me get half a dozen doon out o' the attic. Late arrival—Full up! But there's a space there quite big enough for a table for two. Head Waiter—Sorry, sir, that is the dance floor. "Did you hear about the Scotch speakic star who died of worry?" "No.. Why?" "He discovered. that he talked in his sleep." ■•' .- MRS. WASHINGTON. He: So you're really going to shoot your husband just for my sake She: I promised him I'd be faithful until death, and I couldn't think of telling a lie. THE COMEDOWN. Lady: But, why, my good man, are your clothes so frightfully torn? Tramp (trying to impress): This, madam, is through playin' Rugby when I was well orf. WHAT A CALAMITY. "Yes," said the explorer, "I had many disappointments, but none stands out like one tnat came to me when I was a boy." "Some terrible shock that fixed itself indelibly in your memory, I suppose?" "Exactly. I had with great difficulty crawled under a tent to see a circus, and discovered it was a mission meeting." BEYOND HIM. It had been pouring all day, and the man sitting alone in the corner, of the club smoking-room looked miserable. Another member went up to him. "Hullo; old man," he said, "sorry to see you so fed up. Why don't you go aud drown your sorrow?" "My dear chap," answered the other wearily, '•shea six inches taller than I am." HAD HIS DOUBTS. Lawyer (after being successful in defending a negro charged, with stealing a mule): "Look here, Rastus, it's all over with you and you are a free man, so now I want to know the truth. Did you really steal that man's mule?" Rastus: "Well, sir, boss, T done noc; you noe since I herd you make your speach up dar befoe dat jury I don't noe if I stoled dat mule or not." WORTH TRYING. A young mar* whose knowledge of cards was extremely visionary was roped in to complete a bridge four. After a few moments_ he committed his first mistake by throwing away a king on a trick already taken by his opponent's ace. "Good heavens!" bellowed the young man's partner, "a king doesn't usually beat an ace, you know." . "I know," stammered the beginner, "but I thought I'd let it have a try. REASSURING. A rather nervous man was goiug down a coal mine for the first time. As the cage descended he noticed how dependent they were upon a single rope to which it was- attached. "Do you think it's quite safe?" he asked the. miner guide as he elanced at the rope, •bate as the bank, sir," returned the miner, cheerfully. "Don't you worry, -these ropes are guaranteed to last exactly twelve months, and this one ain't due to be renewed till to-morrow." A TALL. SNAKE STORY. . A friend of mine found a' rattlesnake badly damaged, and took it home, extracted its fangs, and nursed it back to health again. They became.great pals. One night, hearing a great commotion in the next room, my friend went to investigate, ne found that a burglar had entered the room,, and that the snake was preventing him from getting out. At the same- time it had its tail out of the window rattling, for a:V policeman. BRAIN-POWER. A Northampton squatter was one day accosted by his abo., Jacky. "Say, Boss," said Jacky. ."I neber. see you work. How you manage?" 'Oh," said the squatter. "I work with my head." Next day the boss sent Jacky out sinking post-holes. Near mid-day the boss decided to ride out and see how Jacky was getting on, but discovered him under a shady tree. ''Here, Jack," he shouted. "What the devil you doing there? What for you no smkum post hole?" "It's all right, Boss," said Jacky, "I workin' with my head." A STICKY TALE. At.meal time one day Tommy asked his mother to pass the jam. Tommy's mother, «tm g ber KOn *° s Peak correctly, said: Please, don't say jam, Tommy; say conserve? Another time Tommy told his mother that his teacher had told the class a certain tale. She corrected him with: "Don't say tale, Tommy; say narrative. Later there was a loud commotion at the front door, followed by Tommy rushing into hia mother, with, "Oh, mummy, the cat has just conserved his narrative in • the front door.

IN AND OUT. P.C.: "Your 'usband won't be 'ome tonight, missus. We've just run 'im in." Lidy: "Well, you knows your own business best. I've just run 'im aht." / THE REASON WHY. He: "Have you ever been kissed before';" She: "T-y-es, 'c-ause I n-n-never could s-s-s-s-say n-n-u-no fast enough. . HOLLYWOOD ECONOMICS! "Are you going to Paris this summer, Madge?" , "No; I've decided to make my old husband do for another year:" THE LOGICAL MIND. "Why does a stork stand on one leg?" I don't know. "If-he'd lift the other one, he'd fall down. . . . "UP-OR. DOWN?. "So you're a young man with both feet on the ground, eh?' What do you do for a living?" , "I take orders ,from a man with both leet on the desk." ■ WHEN HE DID.. Lady Visitor: "And when does your term expire, my good man?" Life Prisoner (dryly): "When I do, ma am. SHALL AND WILL. an'd\iil°'?" haTe any trouble with 'shall' "No; my wife says, 'You shall,' and I say, 'I will.'" SWAPPING MASKS. „"J eSf X h*& a beard like yourg 0 aud o, f > V, c,allsec l liw it made me look, I cue it oil. wl',' Wer' I h,? d J 1 f? ce like s'o"rs once, and vhen 1 rea I? ed that I could not cut it on I grew this beard." BRIGHT LAD! said th °US fflfc 1 dismissed yon last week," «T? » offif manager, frowning darkly envSnl^V' Sajd ? n the insid<> of the fully P"B,,f retUTv. d the ?? aU b°y che^" iuu>._ .But on the outside it said- 'Kp turn m five days/jn£here I am ." "WHY DID I KISS THAT GIRL" and bang married. When I was^rtfag ™J ,r if|. I used to feel as if I could eat terlv '?/ Paff ed- • ? Tri" he bitterij, 'l often wish I had." RECORDS. reSnr tOr f (CaUed i° J -by: a *esty P^rt to replace former^medical attendant): First of >11 nurse I should like to hear the patient's medical record." T^'nSv' 8?* 0? 5 we "Bet.-to that, doctor, X should like to hear yours." IN SPITE OF IT. Friend: "M'Kie was badly hurt in that tram smash, wasn't he, doctor?" tatebotWg^""^^ We had t0 ampU" Will he pull through?" Oh, yes. We'll have him on his feet again m less than three months." THE WINNER'S PRIZE. The bookie's train moved out just as a mob of angry men burst on the platThe bookie, all his sporting instincts rising to the surface, leaned out of a firstclass carnage window and handed a pound note to an official. "Give this to the first man in," he said. ■ . .' CALLERS. Mistress: Bridget; did you hear the door-bell? , New Maid: Yes, mum. Mistress: Then why don't you go to the door? Maid: Sure, mum, but I'm not expecting anyone to call on me just yet. It must be someone to see yourself. ONE FOR FATHER, A young girl, proud of her new dress, put it on and proceeded to admire herself in the mirror. Her father admonished her for her conceit. ' "D'ye no' ken," he demanded, "that ye're just as Nature made yeV" "And did Nature mak' ye as well?" asked the girl. "Aye, of course." "Then, d'yo no' think that they're makin' a better job o' us now, father?" A NON-STOPPER. In search of a horse, a nervous Frenchman went to a horse dealer. "Yes, sir," said the horse dealer. "1 have the very horse you want." He led his customer to a small-looking animal. "There you are, sir," he said, "a L real beauty. Suitable for driving or riding. And it'll run for ten miles without stopping." "But," exclaimed the Frenchman, "he is no good. I live but eight miles from ze station, and eef I buy him I will have to walk two miles in ze backward direction." ATROCITIES. Reggie: "Did you, know that animals can speak?" George: "No, can they?" 1 Reggie: "Oh, yes! Haven't you heard a Ram-say Mac Donald?" George: "H'm! I Bee! But if you took out its tongue it would hare nothing to Asquith." Reggie: "Look here, instead of making jokes like that, you ought to be better emp-Lloyd George." George: "Yes, and if you continue to make plums like that, you'll be Baldwin you're thirty." TROUBLE AHEAD. Dancing is a great thing for bringing young people together, and that was how Percival Pond discovered his heart's desire. They danced but once, but from the first moment Percival knew she was the only girl in the world for him. He thought he might as well tell her. "I could face death dancing with you," he whispered. The girl blushed. "You probably will if my husband sees you," she answered sweetly. RIGHT ENOUGH. Some little time ago a foreman walking round inspecting some work came across Bill, a labourer, who, after having done his job several times, appeared to be finished. "Have you got it right now, Bill?"' inquired the foreman. "Yus, it's_ near enough/1, said 'Bill. "But," said the foreman, "near enough won't do. I want it right." it's right," growled Bill. _. "Oh, well, that's near enough," said the foreman. ■ COMEDIAN SCORED. At a dinner party a certain well-known comedian had finished his speech, and as he sat down a lawyer arose, put his hands deep down in. his trouser pockets—as was «'£ npbit—and laughingly inquired: Doesn t it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional comedian should be funny?" When the laughter that greeted this sally had subsided, the comedian drawled out; 'Doesn't it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?" ILL-STARRED. A vagrant was np before the Magistrate again, and, as usual, told his hard-luck story. He explained at great length how he had tried to get work, and the story was so harrowing that it soon lost its ring of *™th. , When he had finished the Ma°istrate looked up. ° "It would seem you are a very unlucky man/ he remarked sarcastically. "Unlucky?" echoed the other. "Why your Honour, if I were starving in a sandy desert and there came a sudden shower of soup, I'd be standing in the middle of it with onljr a fork in my hand."