Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 10, 12 January 1929, Page 19

Wit and Humour

"Waiter, I'll have pork chops with French fried and I'll have the chops lean." "Yes, sir; which way?" "Doesn't Joe ever get tired of his wile's continued sulkiuess?" "I think not. He saj-s when she's goodnatured she sings." ' ' ■ ; "1 thought sure Jim would marry one of the twins." "No; he said if he couldn't have an exclusive model he wouldn't have any." ''Wliiit caused your husband to leave homo?" "I. haven't the faintest idea. He just packed up and left the morning after my mother and two sisters came to spend the winter with us." She: I'm very temperamental. I have the soul of an artist. ' He: I can tell from your face that you're a painter: House Painter.-(to maid who lias been teasing him): 'Ere, be off, or I'll paint your face. r Maid: Fancy! Painter: No, plaiu black! ' First Stout Girl:. Mary lost ten-pounds in two weeks by worrying. • _ Second Stout Girl: I tried that, but I couldn't keep my mind on it. . "A man who has drunk too much overnight is sorry when he wak£j up, says a Magistrate. The mourning after the night, before. •'The memory of Christopher Columbus is not reverenced as it should be," says v historian. Some .people think that he went too far. -. Customer (for the fifth timeh "Now, just put it on once more, please." Assistant: "But, really, madame •' Customer: "It's quite all right. I want to see if it wears well." '• "1 have no more confidence in women." "Why not?" ' "I put a matrimonial advertisement an the paper, and one of the replies was I from my fiancee." .--.''. '„... An earthquake, lasting five- minutes recently : occurred in Mexico. We understand that-many inhabitants didn't bother to get up, as they thought it was merely a' quickly-suppressed revolution; "Money is a sensitive.' medium," ■ says a financier. If removed from the pocket and exposed to; the light, it starts shrinking away. • " ." •"■■■■. ••• • ■■• • A woman recently found some diamonds inside a ham. Ah even more extraordinary occurrence is reported by a railway traveller, who found some ham in a buffet ham sandwich. Henry and Sylvia weie out diiving. Hemy had one arm around Sylvia, when the car hit a bump and skidded. 1 "Oh, Henry," gasped Sylvia, "use two hands'." "Can't," said Henry, grimly. "Gotta diivo with one!" He: "Is Madge happily mairied?" • She: "Oh, yes; her husband's terrified of her." Mrs. llighclas-s: "I'm sure your lauguago on the telephone is quite uncalled for." Highclass: "So is ,the number they've given me.'

."Does your daughter : take after her. mother?"- '. V -\. ;■'.', ,;, ■ ; .'"Yes—that is/ .if .therefs anything-left in my.,pocket." \.,,'",.,^ ■■,;;.!;■.', / iv'; 1. ..

Workman's Wife: "Poor dear! 'E worked 'isself to death! Bein' so short-sighted, 'o wasn't able to see when tho foicman wasn't lookin'!"'

Prospective^ Candidate (at political meeting): "I'm willing to trust the people... Voice from the back: "You'd better start a.grocery shop here." ■ . -

Enthusiast: "Do you believe that jazz is dying?"' .'■■■'. Musician: "I-don't know; but it always sounds to me as if it were suffering horribly." •

■in. Berlin recently a. mac upoke continuously for 120 hours. Then, we understand, the housewife .^relented, and let him give a demonstration of his vacuum cleaner. ■ „" ;

/Facetious One: "Why so gloomy, old chap?" .- ■ : . ■

Gloomy One: "Just heard my uncle has cut me out of his will. He's.altered it five times in. the last,two years." Facetious One: "Ha! Evidently a fresh heir hen'd, what?" • : ■

There was:a shy young man who wanted to propose to. his lady love, but never dared. Finally-he took her to his family lot m the cemetery and said: "Wouldn't you like to be buried here some day?"

Reporter (excitedly): Winkle, the M.P., is dead! They found • him lying on his back! . . ;. , ;: ' * ..-■ .. Editor: Winkle?-It can't be the same man. If it was Winkle he!d be lying on either one 'side or the other.

Reggie inquired of his mother one day whether grandpa had ever.been a baby. "Of course he was," she replied. "Well, isn't grandpa a funny name for a baby!" .

Little Givl (reading): -What is leisure, mamma? "It's ■ the spare time a woman has in which she can do some other kind of work, my dear." . Outraged Shopper: What! Two-and-six a dozen for fresh eggs! I thought the price had gone down three weeks ago! • Dairyman: Yes, it has, but I bought these before it .went down. Vicar (returning thanks at. conclusion of bazaar .opening): Finally, I quite realise that we all of us owe more-than we shall ever repay to the tradesmen of this parish. . ■ Grocer: Too true. Indignant Wife: Just like you and your lack of intelligence! Just because you feel too warm, you should, go and choose to take off your overcoat: outside the door of a pawnbroker's shop when everyone is looking!" >. . "Oh, George dear," she whispered when he slipped the engagement ring on her finger, 'how sweet of you to remember just the sort of stone I preferred! None of the others were ever so thoughtful." George waa staggered for a moment, then he answered: "Not at all, dear. You see, this is the one I always use." The inquisitive onlooker was questioning the parachute jumper about his experience and sensations while falling through the air. "But what do you do if your parachute refuses to open while you arc falling?" he asked, finally. "Tnko it back and change it." was the answer. Mrs. II.: Before we go to the ball 1 want you to remember that it's'the custom to dance the first dance with your wife. Mr. H.: Well, wind the phonograph. We'll dance it right here, and get it over with. "There's a, sort of a bump on your chest," said the tailor, pausing in his I measurements, "but we make the clothing 1 so that you will not realise the bump is there." "I know you will," sighed the customer. "That's my pocket book in my inside pocket." A Cockney woman on holiday at the seaside went to see the final of a golf championship. 1 Discussing the game afterwards, her husI band said, "Well, 'ow did you like it, , Liza? ! "Oh," she said, "it was all right, I serI pose, but I thinks football is more manly. After all, footballers do set abaht other." .