Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVI, Issue 68, 29 September 1928, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Magistrate: You say the plaintiff is a relative of yours? Witness: Yes, by bigamy. Old Salt: Bit of s swell to-day, sir. Seaside Visitor: Nice of you to say bo— but you ought to see me on Sundays. "Mrs. Smith seems to have got over the death of her first husband." t "Yes, but her second husband hasn t. Tramp: I have seen better days, sir. Business Man: Yes, I suppose so; but I haven't time to discuss the weather with you now. "I'll give Reginald credit for getting me a nice engagement ring." "I expect that's what the jewellers gave him, too." "And you really think your husband clever?" "Yes. He remembers my birthdays and forgets my age." Painter (airily): My dear fellow, I paint a picture in two days and think nothing of it. Critic: I quite agree with you. She: They tell me she bought that dress by instalments. He: Which one is she wearing? "Can you spare a copper?" said the man whose house had been burgled when he rang up the police station. "You dismissed your maid!" "Yes, she lacked gumption." "Really. I must see if mine has one." Pretty Girl: Pardon me, sir, for walking on your feet! Ho: Oh, don't mention it! I walk ou them myself, you know. Boy (aged five): Mummy, I know where the jam factory is and the paper factory, but where is the satisfactory I've heard you talk about? Customer: Can you change a pound note? A'illage Chemist (cautiously): Certainly. How. will you have it? In pills or cough drops? Barnum: Too bad about that lion-tamer, isn't it? Bailey: What's happened? Barnum: He's so swelled up over his press notices that he can't get his head in , the lion's mouth. ' "I feel sorry for that fellow over there." "How so?" "He ate his salad with his spoon, and now he has to cat his soup .with his fork." Owner of Saloon ' Car (to ; small car owner, getting the last word of the argument): Well, the main difference between our cars is that I get-, in mine and you wear yours. "When Doris married Jones she called him the light of her life." , . "Did she?" '"Yes—and she meant it, too. Hes never allowed to go out." Irate Business Man: I say, Miss Jones, has nothing been done about this letter? Miss Jones (pertly): Yes. Business. Man: What? Miss Jones; (sweetly): Nothing.r She (after spending the 'evening with neighbours): I think the Smythes are an ideal couple—they think alike about everything. - - He: Yes, but 1-notice she'always thinks first. Little Giii (who has had a pah- of woollen gloves for.her birthday): Oh, mummy, I wish you had bought kid gloves. Mother: Why, darling. Little Girl: 'This kind makes my toftee so hairy. "So this baby is a girl?" beamed the rector, as he walked round the baby show. The proud father assented. ■ "And ■ this other one—is it of the contrary sex?" "Yes, she's a girl, too." Hundred Per Cent. Business Man (who has proposed and been accepted): Good night, dear. Directly, I reach home I'll write you a letter confirming our conversation of this evening. "Do you mean to tell me you couldn't see me coming ou a straight piece of road like this?" demanded the owner of the very small car after the collision. "Sorry, guvnor," said the lorry driver; "thought you were a fly on my windscreen." Charlie (after hours of hesitation): Give me a kiss? Bertha: Ah, me! So you, too, are like the rest of the men! Charlie (with feeling): Yes. Bertha: Thank goodness. A very small boy was trying to lead a huge dog up the road. "Where are you going to take the dog, my little man?" inquired a passer-by. "I—l'm going to see where he wants to go first," said the boy. Rastus: "Here am a telegram from de master in Africa, stating he am sending us some .lions' tails." Circus Owner's Wife: "Lions' tails, Rastus? What are you~ talking about?" Rastus: "Well, read it yo'self. ,It says plain: 'Jes' captured two lions; sending details by mail.'" Cricket Spectator: "That umpire looks as if he'll get into hot water when the match is over." Local Supporter: "He won't. 'E's goin' in the 'orse trough." Teacher (sternly): "This essay on 'Our • Dog' is word for word the same as your brother's." Small Boy: "Yes, sir; it's the same dog." Two neighbours were looing over the dividing fence. "What on earth made you get such an enormous kennel for that tiny dog of yours?", asked one. "Well, between you and me," explained the other confidentially, "it's because I sometimes come home late and my wife locks the door!" . - Her doctor brought a specialist to see her. She warned her sister to hide behind a screen in the drawing-room to overhear their opinion when in consultation after examination. When the doctors came into the draw-ing-room the specialist said:— "Well, of all the'ugly-looking women I ever saw, that one's the worst." "Ah," said the local doctor, "but wait till you see her sister." A young- husband was playfully questioning wifie on her past. , "Tell me truly," he said, "did any other man ever kiss you?" "Well," was the reply, "I was once up the river with a man, and he started rocking the boat, at the same time exclaiming: 'Now, Mary, my dear, cither you kiss me or we both drown!" "And did you kiss him?" gasped the husband. . "Was I drowned?" asked the wife. "Give me a kiss," he pleaded. She made no reply. "Won't you please give me a kiss?" he asked again. Still no answer. "Please, please, kiss me!" he begged. And still no reply. "I say, are you deaf?" he roared. , "No,"/ she snapped. "Are you paralysed?"' A shark had been following a liner for some time. As this is looked upon by sailors as a sign of bad luck, a trestle was thrown at the monster in an endeavour to scare it away. But it just swallowed the trestle and came on for more. A box of oranges went the same way as the trestle. Amid the general excitement a Jew fell overboard. A sailor d,ived to the rescue. But it was of no avail, for the shark swallowed them both. Eventually the shark was caught, and when it was cut open in the hope that the men might be rescued, the Jew was discovered sitting on the trestle trying to sell the oranges to his would-be rescuer.

"Why did Jim leave college? Was. his eyesight impaired?" "No, he had the bad luck to break' one of his ukulele fingers."