Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CV, Issue 129, 2 June 1928, Page 21

Wit and Humour

( \Vhat was Noah's last name?" "Sark, of course. Haven't you ever heard of Noah Sark?" Central—Number, please? Subscriber—l want Blank 4312, and, say, get it quick like they do in the movies. English -Guide (showing places of interest)—lt was in this very room, sir, that Nelson received his first commission. American Tourist—That so? How much did he get? Dear' Old Lady (to sandwich man) — Pardon me, but you've got your sign upside down. Sandwich Man—l know, lady—it's me lunch hour. Magistrate—Were you ever in trouble before ? Prisoner—Well—l—or—kept a library book too long once, and was fined threepence. ... Tom—l once loved a girl who made a fool of me. - Tim —What a lasting impression some girls make. "Have you heard the last story about my boy, aged live?" "No, old man. Nobody has." "And is he a good watch dog at night?" "I should think so. At the least noise you have only to wake him up and he barks." "Darling, in the moonlight your teeth are like pearls.", "Oh, indeed —and when were you in the moonlight with Pearl?" Sambo—Did Brudder Brown gib de bride away? Rastus —No, sa; he gwine let de groom fin' her out for himself. Teacher —What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc? Tommy—One was made of wood and the other was Maid of Orleans. Sarcastic Husband' (having discovered a gramophone record in several pieces): And what have you been doing here? Buying records in fortnightly parts, or ' something? Mrs. Jones-7-John, I have been talking for over two hours and now I want your opinion on the subject. Mr. Jones—Well—er—on what subject, my dear? Club Member—l say, old man, a fellow I know is charged with stealing whisky. Will you take the case? Barrister (absently)—Eather! Send it round to my office! "Maud went to an astrologer to find out the best time to get married." "What did he tell her?" . "He took one look at her face and told her to grab the first chance." Customer (to Chemist): This vanishing cream is a fake. I've used it on my feet every night for two weeks and they are just as large as they ever were. "So you are a landlubber," said a friend to a Negro who had just landed from an airplane trip. . • "Ah sho' is!" he replied. -"An' All's.jes' finding out how much Ah. lubs it." ■ An Irishman was told one morning by his wife that there had been a terrible thunderstorm during the night. "Well, why" in the world didn't you wake me up?" he demanded. "You know I can't sleep When it thunders!" The Man—l'm afraid our honeymoon will take every penny I've saved up. The Cinema Actress—What of it? A honeymoon is something that only happens once every two or three years. An actress was talcing her dog for a walk in tho park. She met her deadliest rival, clad in a new fur coat. The dog began to leap in friendly fashionaround the wearer of the coat, and his mistress apologised sweetly. "Do forgive Fido," she said; "he's so keen on rabbiting." A middy was being examined in Morse signals. "What three letters of the alphabet are invariably used when urgent help is required?" asked the examining officer. The middy thought hard for a moment, and then replied, "lOU, I should say, sir." Tho hawker had just been moved on by tho policeman, and was cross about it. "Gam! Who wouldn't be a policeman?" he taunted. "Nothing to do but stand still doing nothing .while he walks around listening for anything, he can see!" Three-year-old Jimmy is a fascinated observer of the untiring circling of the goldfish. He is also a rabid motorist. One morning, after a long period of unusual quiet, mother called, "What are you doing, Jim?" "Jes' watching the goldfish looking for a place to park," came the reply. Aggrieved Husband —There's no remedy that I can see except getting divorced. My wife has nagged me to death for years. ■ Now she's gone to the length of training the parrot to take her side in ah argument. Interviewer—And do you think there's a chance for someone with very small beginnings? The Great Man—Absolutely. Take my own ease—when I went in business for myself I had nothing but intelligence. A visitor to Edinburgh saw a penny lying in the gutter, and put his foot on it till a policeman came 'along*, when he asked the latter to pick it up for him. "Why can't you pick it up yourself?" asked the man in blue. "Because," was the reply, "I'm wearing a pair of braces I bought in Aberdeen, and they won't give." The cyclist was jerked off his saddle by a recklessly driven car, and a second later found himself lying numbed on the pavement. He lay quite still, and an old lady, who had seen the .proceedings from the start, hurried up to ■him. v "Have you had an accident, young man?" she asked. The unfortunate man raised himself pain-fully'-into a sitting position. "Oh, no, madame," he replied icily, "I arranged this in order to break a- slab of hard chocolate in my pocket." He—Darling, wouldn't you like to sail away on a silvery moon beam—just you and I together—toward those twinkling stars where all is infinite, even love? And we could dwell in eternal bliss far from She—Oh, I couldn't Jimmy, not tomorrow. I have an appointment with my hairdresser at 4. % It was sale time,, which meant that the largo store was crowded, and that the assistants were very busy. • Came up to one of the counter hands a-' florid woman with something of the nature of an overall in her hand. Pushing it in front of the assistant, she demanded: "AVhat are you asking for this thing?" The. '■ listant examined it. Then she replied, "That doesn't belong to us, madam. You must have torn it off some other lady!" It was tho morning after tho night before, and no amount of water or vinegar bandages seemed to ease the terrible pounding at hin lemplcs or the agony of the ache in his head. The least noise scorned to make the throbbing worse. Presently a cat slippeS into the roopi and crept across the carpet. Tho man regarded the cat scornfully, and in a tone of utter disgust said: "In the name of mercy, cut . out that stamping!"A lecturer in Aberdeen told a reporter who was present at one of his meetings that he had a few more engagements in the city, and did not wish him to publish anything of his lecture, as it might spoil the attendance at the others. .The next day he was horrified to read in the papers:— / * ■ "Mr. delivered nn excellent lecture in the Church Hall. He gave some very good stories, but unfortunately they cannot be printed."