Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIV, Issue 26, 30 July 1927, Page 21

Wit and Humour

THE LITTLE GREY HOLE IN MY TEST. There's a little grey hole in my vest, It happened the place that was best. ■For a hole in the coat or a hole in the pants I Are both o£ the kind you can see at a ' glance, But you always can button your coat, And hide all. defects in the vest. So here's to the moth with such knowledge o£_ cloth, Such insight is rare in a pest. The Sister: Captain Randall proposes in this letter. I wonder if he really loves me—he's only known me a. week? Her Brother: Oh, then, it's quite possible that he does. Art: I'd like you to paiut a portrait of ray late uncle. Artist: Bring him in. Art: I said my late uncle. Artist: Bring him in when he comes, then. 'llow old is Elizabeth?" "Don't know, but everybody ws< overcome by the heat from, the candles on her last birthday cake." She (leaving the restaurant): I think they always do you rather well here. He (having been done): Well, you might have told me that before me came in. Smith: That man of mine ought to be hung. Smithers: Not hung, my boy—hanged. Smith: Hung, I say. Hanging is too good for him! ''She has a very difficult part in that play." "Difficult? Why, she doesn't say a word!" "Well, isn't that difficult for a •woman?" He: You're quite an amateur at kissing. She: You think so? Well, it_ took a lot of practice to get that first-time effect. "Jack," the girl said reproachfully, "you wouldn't marry me for my money, would you?" : "Not if there was any other way to get it," he said thoughtlessly. "Bill's nowhere as big a fool as he was." "Has he reformed?" "No. He's dieting." Wife (to sick husband)-- Well, there's one thing, 'Erb. Wot with 'ot poultices every two hours and yer med'eine every three, the days'll soon pass. British Citizen (at touring agent's): I want you to recommend a nice quiet little seaside place in France—but mind, it must be thoroughly English! Nowadays a fellow can launch into the book publishing business pretty safely if he can exact a promise from the Censor to suppress his first four or five books. "The time will come," thundered the lecturer on women's rights, "when women will get men's wages." "Yes," said the weak little man in the back seat, "next Saturday night.'' "How did you enjoy your travels?" "I had a perfectly wonderful time." "Won't you tell me about them? Were you in Paris, London, Berlin?" "I really couldn't tell you. You see, my husband bought all the tickets." Father: Isn't that young man rather fast? Daughter: Yes; but I don't think he will get away. Grocer: A thief entered my store laßt night and took everything but a bos of soap. Judge: The dirty crook. She: Why did Freddie Necker give up golf? He: He discovered that a gol£ ball cannot be driven with one hand. "I wish, Matilda, you would agree not to talk when I am driving in traffic." "We can discuss that as we go along, Adolphus." Husband: Your cheque to the grocer came back with "no funds" on it. Wife: That's funny, I saw an advt. in the paper yesterday which said the bank had a surplus of over 3,000,000 dollars. Teacher: What great law. is Newton credited with discovering? The Class (in unison): The bigger they are the harder they fall. Knick: See that man over there? He's an eliquette teacher in *a deaf-and-dumb school. Knack: What are his duties? Knick: Teaching the pupils not to talk with their hands full. Assistant: Have you an account with the house, madam? Customer: No, but maybe I can arrange matters with your manager. Assistant (to manager): A lady of no account, sir. Lawyer: Was the man you found under the street car a total stranger? Witness (who had been told to be careful): No, Sir, his arm and leg were gone; he was only a partial stranger. "My dear child," said a woman to a young unmarried acquaintance, "you must realise that when one loves, it should be for life, I know what I am talking about, my dear —I've been married three times." "If I were you I'd be boss in my own home, or know the reason why," exclaimed the bachelor to his married friend. "Yes, exactly," said the married man, "I know the reason why!" "Martha," a farmer, who had driven into town with a load of hogs, telephoned to his wife, "a motor-car load o£ robbers had just held up the City Bank, and they're heading our way now. Don't go outdoors." ! "I'll have to," was the frantic reply. "Your Sunday shirt's hanging on the line, in full sight." There had been an outbreak of fire at the artist's studio, and the insurance agent ! had called to estimate the damage. "Now, with regard to these canvases," said the insurance man. "You say they cost about ten shillings each?" "Yes," admitted the artist. "But," he pointed out, "I'd painted on most of them." "All!" said the agent Uioughtwully. "Then, suppose we say five shillings each ?" Customer: "My, what smells so?" Merchant: "Do you smell it, too?" Customer: "Yes, what is it?" Merchant: "Business. It's rotten." Mother: "And docs little Willie like to study?" Teacher: "He likes to do nothing better." . "Our new kitchenette is just large enough for one to work in," remarked Shrimply. '"Joke on your wife at dish-washing time, eh?" asked his friend. "No-o-o. But then I don't mind drying them, too, while I'm at it." "Do you have those invisible hair nets?" "Yes, ma'am." "'"Let me see them, please." Tourist: "How much are your rooms?" Clerk: "First floor, 10 dollars a day; second floor, 8 dollars; third floor, 6 dollars." Tourist: ''Sorry, your hotel is not high enough to suit me." Indignant Lady (faced with income tax for the first time): "I sec you only allow me £.13.) personal expenses! Tt's quite preposterous! I spend a lot more than that!" "Where did you get that line nciv hat?" "I bought it ten years ago. Seven years npro 1 had it newly pressed. Three years ago it was dyed black. The year before last I had a new band put round it. Last week I exchanged it at. the restaurant."

Veterinarian: "He's too fat, madam; that's what's wrong with the dog. He doesn't get enough exercise." Owner: "Oh, but he does. I'm sure he does; he goes out every day with me in the motor/ "What's that piece of cord tied round your finger for?" "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter." "And did you do it?" ! "No; she forgot to give ifc to me." j Little Boy: "That lady gave me some chocolates." . Mother: "I hope you were polite about Little Boy: "Yes, mamma." Mother: "What did you say?" Little Boy: "I said I wished pa had met her before he got acquainted with you. , Nurse: "On whom, are they operating to-day?" Orderly: "A fellow who had a golf ball knocked down his throat at the links." "And who's ths man waiting go nervously in the hall? A relative?" "No; that's the golfer—a Scotch gentleman. He's waiting for his balL" Prospective Buyer (viewing unfinished house): I like this hall, but tell me, how does the staircase run? Carpenter: Well, eir, from -what I've seen in other houses, when you're standing down here they runs up, and when you're on the second floor it seems to run down! She was being shown through the locomotive works? "What is this thing?" ehe asked, pointing with her parasol. ".That," answered the guide, "is an engine boiler." "And why do they boil engines?" she asked. "To make the engine tender," was the polite reply.A party was paying a visit to East London. For one of their number the endless row of buckets in a dredger at the docks seemed to have a great fascination. While the others went off to enjoy themselves this man kept his gaze fixed firmly on the dredger. Several hours later his friends found him at the same spot. When they told him the train would leave without him if he did not hurry, he exclaimed: "I don't care; I've counted 11,963, and I mean to see the last bucket if I stay all night!" "Do you find it hard to meet your expenses?" "No. Why, I meet them at every turn." "You have been fighting Tommy next door. I shall have to buy you a new suit!" "You should see Tommy. His mother will have to buy a new boy." A little man charged his wife with cruelty. "Where did you meet your wife first?" asked counsel. "I don't think I ever met her," said the little man; "she just sort of overtlok me. It was Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Early the following morning he caught his first glimpse of the peacock, sunning himself on the lawn. Pushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother. "Oh granny," lie exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom." Teacher: Write "I have goue" fifty times. Perhaps that will help you not to use "I have went." When the teacher came back, some time later, she found the following note: "Please, Miss Jones, I have written 'I have gone' fifty times, and I have went home?" Wife: I took this recipe for this cake out of a cook book. Husband: You did perfectly right. It should never have been put in. A two-handed sword and a 6uit of armour were put up for sale in London. We understand they were snapped up by an amateur gardener, who is determined to prune his_ rose bushes this year in comfort, THE TROUBLE. New Cook: 1 can't get the dinner the way you told me to, ma'am. Mistress: Why not? New Cook: Didi't you tell me to have roast beef and gravy? Mistress: Yes, that's what I ordered. New Cook: Well, the butcher sent up the beef but he didn't send a drop of gravy. THE MODERN CHILD. '"How old are you?" inquired the visitor of his host's little son. "That is a difficult question," answered the young man, removing his spectacles and wiping them reflectively. "The latest personal survey available shows my psychological age to be 12, my moral age 4, my anatomical age 7, and my physiological age 6. I suppose, however, that you refer to my chronoligical age, which is S. That is so old-fashioned that I seldom think of any more." NATURALLY! "Why the coolness between Marcella and Roderick?" "Well, my dear, he's been devoting himself to her for months—lavishing flowers on her, taking her everywhere and giving nobody else any time—so, naturally, she began to resent it." THE JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY. The Oriental mind works differently from thiit of the Caucasian, as is evidenced by the following incident: Minoru San has been a habitual late arrival at his classroom. The teacher became suspicious and asked the reason for his tardiness. Replied the boy: "There is a sign near our school which says 'School Go Slow.' I didn't want to violate the order of the Police Department, so I abided ty it." THE VINDICTIVE SUBSCRIBER. A well-kno,Tn official of the Telephone Company was rudely aroused from his slumbers by the ringing of the telephone. After bruising his knee on a chair, he reached the 'phone. "Hello," he growled. "Are you an official of the telephone company?" asked the voice. "Yes, what can I do for you?" "Tell me," said the voice, "how it feels to get out of bed at 2 o'clock to answer a wrong number." FEUD. First man (outside tightly packed ballroom) : Aren't you dancing with Ruth any more this evening? Second Male: No, she stepped on my foot twice in- the first scrimmage and we've severed athletic relations. MANNERS AND MODES. Mother: Darling, you were awfully late last night. I'm afraid I'm dreadfully oldfashioned, but I should like to know where you go. Daughter: Certainly, Mummy darljng. I dined with—oh, well, you don't know him, and we went to several places I don't suppose you've been to, and we finished at. a queer little club—l forget its name, but it's a cellar somewhere in Soho. It's all right, isn't it, Mummy? Mother: Of course, darling. It's only that I just like to know. To be added to the lore of our nocturnal life is tlie story of the taxi-cab driver who was hailed by a speakeasy doorman the other night. The doorman escorted fontmen to the voitnrc, arranged them carefully within and then instructed the chauffeur: "The man. on the left goes to—Park avenue, the one next to him to—East Six-ty-fifth, the one to the left front sent toWest End, and the other to—Riverside Drive." The chauffeur nodded understnndingly and drove away. In a few moments'lie was back, beckoning to the doorman. "Say buddy," ho said, "would yon mind soi-tm these gnys out a~ain 1 hit a bump on Sixth avenue."