Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 48, 26 February 1927, Page 21

Wit and Humour

. The seven ages of woman are her real age and six guesses.

The really lazy man spends his time trying to make week ends meet.

"Oh. papa, can you tell me if Noah had a wife?" "Certainly; Joan of Arc. Don't ask silly questions.''

Friend: "I hear your wife met with an accident in her car. Was it serious'/" Husband: "Nothing much. Just a little paiut off both."

"Well, I prefer blondes," the young man said aggressively. "But does . that make you a gentleman?" the brunette asked, sweetly.

"The trouble with me, doctor, is ' just this snoring. Do you know, I snore so loudly that I often wake myself up?" "Why don't you sleep in another room?"

A wretched-looking woman called on a music teacher with her obstreperous son. ; ■ '. ■ : .

"We can't do nothin' wiv' 'im at 'ome," she said, "so would you please teach him the violin or somethin' ?"

New Curate (to Sunday school schok ars): "My dear children," I want you to look upon me as a shepherd, and I shall look upon you as-, my sheep. Now you all know what the shepherd does to the sheep." . . ■ '■-■.

Impetuous little boy: "Shears them."

Diner: Waiter, there's a fly in my ice cream." . ' , . '

< Waiter: Let him freeze; it •will teach him a lesson. 'The little rascal was in the soup last: night. ■ '

Harold: At last. I've found the person I love best in all the world! Tall and Slender, big brown eyes, a wonderful smile, beautiful hair, and dimples!

Horace:- Nonsense, old §hap. You haven't dimples!

Maud: As soon as-your over, you'll forget about me, I know. Bert: Don't-be silly, darling. Haven't I told you I've just completed a memory training course. ' . .' - '.':.' :.-.■■

Teacher: Do we eat the flesh of the whale? Scholar; Yes, ma'am.' Teacher: And what do we do with the bones? Scholar: We leave them on the side of our plate.

Eliza: Ah hear you-all's left yo' husband, Mandy. Is it true? Mandy: It sure is, Eliza. Dat nigger was so shiftless that: he coiildu't find enough washin' to keep me; busy.

Stranger: Can you direct me to Punktown? Native: Yes. Keep straight ahead and turn sharp to your left when you come to the place where the old milestone used to be.

■ I'm feeling terribly bored this morning." 'So am It. Let's go and mind somebody else's business."

She: How do you know that's a telephone girl over there? He: I said "hello" and she didn't answer.

"May I marry your daughter?" "I don't know. What did she say?" "She's willing if you disapprove."

He: Shall we hug and kiss and , tell jokes? She: Oh, let's not jest now.

Teacher: Willie, can you name a city in Alaska? Willie: No, mm. "Correct."

Valet: Your bawth is ready, sir. "Aw, I say, Hawkins, take the bawth for me— and, Hawkins, make it a cold plunge."

Lady (learning to drive): But how can I think of what to do? Instructor: Just imagine that your husband is driving.

First Gambler; Bill hag the makings of a real poker; face. Second Gambler.:. Not any more; ho shaved it oft.

Divorces can be secured on the instalment plan in Paris. . Husbands can be secured on the instalment plan iv the United States.

"What ai-e we going to see?" "A musical comedy." "What is, it about?" "What does that matter?"

Aunt Ada: I understand your; husband can't meet his creditors. Her Niece: I don't believe he wants to particularly.

"Mother: Was father very 'much depressed when he caught sight of your new coat?" Daughter: Yes, but I showed him the silver lining. '

Visitor: Whoso little girl are you? Betty: That's for the Judge to decide.

Mary: And did you let him kiss you? Ann —Let him? I' had to help him.

Joe: See that, guy? Well, he's a. triple threat man. College: How's that?' Joe: I owe him for two suits and an overcoat. Landlady: "Isn't this good chicken? Boarder: It may have been morally, but physically ■ it's a wreck. "Why are football men so hard?" "Probably because they play on the gridiron." "Dear little hand!" he murmured, as ■he kissed her hand, and mentally reckoned up what the rings on it had cost him. First Fair Chorister: Do you think this portrait does me justice, Maudie? Second Ditto: It does something nobler, dear; it shows you mercy. The Sportsman: Anything to shoot here? Countryman: Hain't- been authin' till you arrived. I'll get me gun. At Portsea: "Deuced awistocwatic place to bathe, Cholly." "Why so?" - "Evewy wave has a crest, you know." Cliatty Old Gent: Have you long hour 3 here, porter? Eailway Porter (whose temper has been spoilt): Same as anywhere else, I suppose—sixty minutes. Clerk: I really cannot read this letter, sir; the writing is too bad. Principal (impatiently): Nonsense! The writing is good enough, any ass could read it. Hand it to me! "Why don't you work? You're an able-bodied man," she asked the tramp. "I know that, ma'am, but I've; only myself to look after, and if I got work I might be depriving a man with a wife and children of a job," replied the tramp. "Father,"' said' Johnny, "what's a seraphim?" "A seraphim,' my son," said his father, "is a male seraph, " the final syllable 'him' being added for identification." "Our Johnnie sneaked two spoons from the ice cream man's barrow." "Indeed! What did your mother say?" : "0, notin'! She. wer' wantin' spoons." - '.--..

"It isn't true that I said he wasn't a gentleman—what I told him was ; that he looked to me like a man who preferred brunettes." p .

A Kentucky woman, hunting a bear, found that three bullets wouldn't stop him, so she took a club and beat him to death. Imagine coming home late to a wife like that!!

"Have your poems all come back, darling?" ■ ,

"Back? This is what I call rubbing it in! I sent them four and hanged if they haven't returned me nine!"

"I've thought of a swindle that would clean up a million dollars—sure thing. ?'Why'don't you go to it?" "Can't—the scheme requires an honest partner, and I don't know anybody I can trust." '

Friend (to Scotsman stripping wall): "Hallo, Mac! Goin' tae pit new paper on, eh?"

Aberdonian: "Na, no; I'm moving!".