Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 135, 4 December 1926, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Theorist—What is your idea of heaven? Utilitarian—Methuselah's age and Solomon's wives.

"Why did you stick this, knife in this man?" "I saw the police coming and had to bide it somewhere."

Young Hopeful (very)— Mother, I think I'll shave. Mother—You will not. Father —Go ahead. She'll never know the difference.

Visitor—Ah, dear friend, thinking of your sad past? Convict—No, I was wondering what paper I'd write my experiences for when I. get out.

"The world was against me," he whined. "In that," replied the sarcastic individual, '-'I should say the world was showing good judgment." ■ .

Author—What do you = think of this story? Give me your honest opinion. Editor—lt's not worth anything. Author —I know, but tell me anyway.

Landlord—Yea, Dick Turpin was once nearly caught in this very room. Guest (opening an egg)—l guessed as much. He went off without his. breakfast.

An English girl, Jane Darwin, failejj to swim the Channel after a brave and heroic effort. Britannia, we understand, is now looking around for some easier wave to: rule. . '

An orator is a,man who is always ready to lay down' your life for his country.

"Men'are earning more money than they ever did," says an efficiency magazine. Yes, and some of them are getting it.

Ethel: Are my lips the first you have ever kissed, dearest? Jack: Yes, dear, and the sweetest.

Billy: Who iras the young man with the one arm who sat out the last danes with you? -

Lilly: Oh, hig other arm was around somewhere. . ■ ■ . >

She: Do. you. believe in clubs for women ,'.'•' , _He: Yes, if kindnew fails. . ,

• It may have occurred in tho local-Court, but we are not going to commit ourselves. The aicused was • crying! great big' tears coursing down" his cheeks.

"My man," said the Judge, in a kindly voice,, ''have you: ever, been sentenced before?"

"Never, no never," sobbed the accused,

"Well, well," said the Judge, consolingly, ■ "don't cry any more, for you are going to be, right now."

Dad: "Where is your mother, son?"

Son: "Well, she said if. you could go out and sow what people call wild oats, she was going out to raise what Sherman called war." ■'. ;,■' ■■ V

If the good were only .clever, And the clever were really good, This world would be better than ever We thought it possibly could.

Vcrnon and Walter were having a discussion on "mind reading," and this is the way it came to an abrupt ending.

Vernon: Say, Walt, I can tell exactly what you are thinking about, right now. Walter:- Well, why don't you go.

Curiously enough a man commands attention when he pays attention. ,

"What are you.thinking about!" "Thanks for the compliment."

Mrs. West—The Briggs«a have a wonderful new car. Mr. West—Why wonderful? "It's paid for!" ".,

"What is absolutely certain'is that, just like intelligence, stupidity is ■. hereditary and " ,; . • ,

"That's a nic« way to talk about your parents." ... ...

Golf club member (en route to club)— Want a lift, caddy? * Caddy (looking at the sky)—H'm, it looks like rain. I think I will wait for a closed car.

Fella—l have been searching . for you through countless aeons. I.feel that we must have known each other since the beginning of time. . ■ . Girl—Act your age. . ,

A customer in one of the local stores asked the lady clerk for an empty box. "We haven't a thing in empty boxes today," the clerk explained.

Modern ad.: "For rent, handsome bungalowette with a garagette, kitchenette, bathette, parlourette, and porchette." "Can you forgive me?" "Never! What have you done?" "Is theirs a happy marriage?" "While company is present." . She (in line outside picture theatre) — Dear, is the crowd moving in? He —No, that fat man just ahead of us took a deep breath, Thug—Let's rob a bank. .Gunman—Too risky. Better - try holding up the summer girls coming home with engagement rings. "In the old days, doctors used to bleed patients for practically every disease." : "Well, for that matter, they still do."

Instructor—Do you know much about gblf ?" ■■•..■ . Golfer—A little. "Then take your stance." . "Which club is that?"

Flora—ls your mother constantly nagging you about using rouge? Dora—Hers, yes.

Interviewer—Aren't; you sometimes frightened when you look down at the street below you? ■

Steeplejack—Yes. Only yesterday I thought sure I was going to see a pedestrian get run over.

Rub—What are you called by the people you work for? Dub—Dad!

Jean—But if you quarrel all the time, why marry him?

Joan—Well, I can't get even with him by divorcing him if we're only engaged, can I?

A certain Scotch merchant was very anxious to increase his trade. Just before Christmas he issued an advertisement stating that he would give presents to- all his customers.1 The presents were to be coat hangers and cigar lighters. Next day the store was crowded. The two presents, neatly packed in one bundle, were duly given out—a nail and a match.

Hubby—l like those clinging gowns on you. .Wifey—l should say you do; this one has been clinging to me for over a year.

"I'm twenty-one to-day, and I can vote." . :

"No, you can't." "Why not?" "There's no election." A Chinese asked what time the train would leave. The ticket agent replied, "2.02." The Chinese ansvered, "I ask when he go, not how he go."

"Dad, why do they call language the mother tongue?" "Because, my boy, a father seldom gets a chance to use it;"

Irate Parent (from head of stairs)— Hasn't that young man any home? Dutiful Daughter—He has now, father— I just accepted him.