DESK MOTTOES.

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 39, 14 August 1926, Page 21

DESK MOTTOES.

Above my desk three signs are nailed— They're printed neat and nice. In time of need they've never failed To give me good advice. For instance, when I'm tired of work, Which frequently occurs, A strong desire to loaf and shirk Within my bosom stirs. I scent afar the tang of brine On some cool sea-girt isle; I thrill with joy, and on my sign I read smile, d n you, smile. I dream of cloudless golden days. Of gently rippling stream, The glen where mottled sunlight plays, The splash of trout agleam. I must away! The wood gods call, And to their will I bow. I read my motto on the wall — It tells me do it now! I'll "do it now! Old sign, you're right. I'm through with work for good. I'll quit my job this very night, I'm off for field and wood. And as I leave that desk of mine My conscience it is clear, For there above it hangs a sign That says no parking here.

A Frenchman advocates love-making under Government control. It always has been under the two-party system.

Judge: You say your car is your only means of support? "Yes, your Honour, it's my income taxi."

There was said to be a plot against the production of a inueical comedy. This must be the nearest a plot has ever got to a musical comedy.

She: What animal is that? He: It looks like reindeer. She? Did you hear me ask what kind of animal that is?

At Los Angeles clouds are photographed daily and stored for future use in pictures. The fog effects in films are provided by the sub-title writers.

A correspondent in. a contemporary says that railway carriage seats are uncomfortable. This, however, affects only a very small portion of the passengers.

At a coal carter's wedding the happy pair were pelted with coal dust instead of confetti. We hear that a bricklayer has hurriedly broken off his engagement.

"Why wouldn't they ever let an editor take up collections in church?" "Because he'd reject too many contributions."

This new invention of a match that will strike under water is just the thing one needs to look for the soap when one loses it in the bath.

A musical critic says that at a recent dance the dancers talked and shouted so loud that he couldn't hear the jazz band. In that case, we wonder, what he had to complain about.

"Why is little Geraldine crying?" "Because she can't have a holiday." "And why can't the poor dear have a holiday?" "Because she doesn't go to' school yet."

Teacher: Who can describe a caterpillar? Tommy: I can, teacher. Teacher: Well, Tommy, what it is? Tommy: An upholstered worm.

Driver: My car doesn't take the curves readily; I wish you would locate the trouble. Mechanic: Nine cases out of ten, the trouble is back of the steering wheel.

Briggs: I hear that after your round of golf the turf had to be replaced. Diggs (who has turned in pretty poor card): I shouldn't wonder if the place had to be returfed!

Having been the first to demonstrate the possibility of flying there and back in a day, Lieutenant-Commander Byrd is hereby nominated for president of the Pole-in-One Club.

In future French railway attendants are to salute Italian porters by stretching out the hand with the palm downwards. They will salute passengers in the came way, but with the palm up.

A vagrant stated in court that a threatening "Beware of the Dog" notice is generally supported by an empty kennel. One of these days he will get the shock of hiu life when a vindictive little-two-seater jumps out at him.

Wife of Keen Angler: So glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Jones—but my husband gave me the impression that you were very tall! Jones: Ah.'—but you must remember that he once fished me out of the river!

Gnl Artist (trying to sell her comic): "Don't you think that's a funny joke?" Art Editor: "Yes, it always was a funny joke."

First Pedestrian (to man who has bumped into him): "Clumsy idiot." Second Pedestrian: "Glad to know yon. Mine's Brown."

He: "I brought you a pet monkey to amuse you, darling. She: "Oh, how kind of you. Now I shan't miss you when you are away."

Mrs. Gramercy: "So the new bridge rules are not any better than tile ■ old ones?" Mrs. Park: "No, indeed —I lose as much money as ever."

"Why don't you marry her?" "She has a slight impediment in her speech." "How sad. What is it?" "She can't say Tes.'"

"I have a book you ought to read, my dear. Shall I lend it to you?" "Heavens, no, darling. I can't even find time to read all the books I ought not to."

She (after the quarrel): And you needn't expect me to meet you at {he usual place to-morrow. If you are there, I won't come!

Garge (buying engagement ring): Yes, I likes the diamond 'un at five bob; but 'aven't you got any imitation 'uns cheaper like?

"Spirit," murmured the medium, "are you there? If so, rap once. I£ not, twice." ■

"Intelligent people are allus on th' unpop'lar side o' anything."

"There is a wave of crime sweeping over the country," says a pessimistic lecturer. We hope it isn't a permanent wave.

"Can you give me a—hie —peppermint, ole man?" "What on earth for? "Well, I want to 'phone the wife, and she's so darned s'picious."

A gentle Prohibitionist wants to know if the rolling of ships is due to their being christened with bottles of wine.

"Do these penny-in-the-slot machines take in much money?" a waitress was asked in a confectionery shop. "They all take in some money," she replied, "but that weighing machine over there does especially well." "Is that so? How's that?" "Well, you see, it registers about eight pounds light."

"Lady," said meandering Mike, "would you lend me a cake of soap?" "Do you mean to tell me you really want soap!" "Yes'h. Me partner's got de hiccups an' I want to scare him."

Mr. Levy took little Abie to the movies and purchased only one ticket. "You must have a ticket for your son," said the doorman.

"Mister," said Levy, "I gif you my word as a gentlemen he von't look!" •

Everything comes to Mm who orders hash.

Although we can't gee any reason for riots in India the Hindu-

A fakir, who is now in England, can stick hatpins through his cheeks without feeling any pain. He attributes his success to early training received at a bargain sale.

Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the Roman who swam across the Tiber three times before breakfast.

"You don't doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you, Jimmy?" the teacher demanded.

"No ma'am," answered Jimmy, "but I wondered why he didn't make it four time 3 and get back to the side his clothes were on."

An advertisement says' a' car is now within the reach of every pedestrian, but the worst of it is the pedestrians are also within reach of every car.

Bill: Jim? Why 'is. talk is all air, that's what it is. Phil: Well, what else can you expect? Hiss missus is always blowing him up.

Some men are brilliant talkers in public while others always go out with their wives.

Asked why he didn't drown his sorrow, a man pointed out that she was too good a swimmer.

Married man's definition of whisky: The kind of beverage that makes you see double and feel single.

Don't worry when you tumble. Kemember a worm is the only thing that can't fall down.

"That, my boy," said the forger of coins to his son as they passed the Mint, "is our principal competitor."

With autos getting so cheap, the lowly pedestrian will soon be able to pick and choose which car he'll be hit by.

A doctor says that violent exercises will kill germs. Perhaps that's the reason some diseases have to run their course.

Some men are so fond of home cooking that their wives always take ■ them to restaurants that make a specialty of it.

"I hear you have invented a clock that never needs winding?" "Yes, but I still have to put out the cat!"

"Every time I ask a certain Scotsman in this office for a match," says Larry, "I have ta wait until he fills and packs his pipe."

Charlie Chaplin was taking a walk on the lower East Side of New York City and came upon a group of small boys who with battered derby hats and rattailed canes were doing imitations of the famous Chaplin walk. The comedian watched a while, then took a hat and cane from one of the boys and shuffled through his movie walk. When Chaplin had finished, one of the. boys told him, soothingly, "Mister, you'd, be all .right, but you just ain't got the feet for it!"

He—Why don't you wear your long earrings? She-^Oh, I feel like such a fool with them on. He—They are very becoming to you.

•A new variety of servant girl turned up in New England. She was from Iceland and she wanted to do general housework. "Can you sweep?" asked the prospective mistress. "Na." "Do you cook?" "Na." "Do you know how to make beds?" "Na." "Do you know how to wash laces and dainty things?" "Na." "Well, what on earth can you do?" "Veil, grinned the applicant, "please, lady, Ay can milk reindeer good."

As in the Western novels, the cowpuncher married the beautiful schoolteacher who came from England, and after a great • celebration in from Spike the lit out —to use the correct expression—for their ranch, in the mesquite, some 30 miles away. Some two months later one of the guests at the celebration happened to meet the bridegroom riding into Iron Spike. "Howdy, Bud?" he cried. "How's the wife?" "Ain't you heerd?" inquired Bud, rather surprisedly. "Why, as we were ridin' out, the wife's horse shied, pitching her off, and she broke a leg. We were more'n 20 miles from the doc, too." "My!" exclaimed the other, "ain't that terrible! What did you do, Bud?" "Do" echoed Bud. "Do? What could I do? Why, I shot her, o' course!"

A parsimonious laird was once at a party at Kelly Castle.-It was customary for. the geusts to give a small sum of money to the servants, who were drawn up in the _ha!l to receive their" "vails." The gifts of these who preceded the laird were received gravely, not calling forth smiles, or even thanks; but, when he passed, the faces of the servants brightened up as if he had given them gold. "What did you give them, Robbie?" asked his friends. "They looked as sour as vinegar ftill your turn came." "De'il a bawbee did they get frae me!" answered the laird. "I just kittled (tickled) their palms."

Parson Johnson: "De choir will now sing "I'm Glad Salvation's Free," while Deacon Ketchem passes de hat. De congregation will please member, while salvation al free, we hab to pay de choir foh singing' about it. All please contribute accordin' to yo' means, an' not yo' meanness." .

"Dear, if you'll get a car I can save a lot of clothes during our holiday this summer."

"How do you mean?" "Well, yo,u see, if we go to one hotel, as formerly, I'll need seven dresses; whereas, if we have a car I can get one dress and we can go to several hotels."

A strictly grammatical hen. does not set on a setting of eggs. Nor. may a settmg hen sit ou a setting. Neither does a sitting hen set on a sitting, but a sitting hen may bet set on a sitting or even on a setting, though a very proper sitting hen who knows her Webster will prefer to sit on a sitting.

The chairman of the gas company was making a popular address. "Think of the good the gas company has done! ' he cried. "If I were permitted a pun, I would say in the words of the immortal poet, 'Honour the Liriit Brigade.'"

,-Voice of a consumer from the'audience, Oh, what a charge they made."

When you meet the motorist who swears his car is the worst in the world admits he gets only, eight miles to the callon of gas, agrees that the traffic cop was right, and confesses that he stopped at every repair stop on his trip, look at him carefully. You may never see one like him again.

It was a cold day, and as a pretty girl entered the crowded street car a man rose from, his seat.

"No, you must not give up your seat; I insist," said the young woman.

"You may insist as much as you want to," replied the man, starting for the door, "I'm getting off here."

"Plaze, cir," said an Irishman to a farmer going to market one day, "would yez be so obliging as to take me great coat here to B wid ye?"

"Yes," said the farmer, "but- how will you get it again?" "Oh, that's mighty easy_, so it is," said Pat; "for sliure I'll remain inside uv it!"