CONFESSIONAL.

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 118, 14 November 1925, Page 17

CONFESSIONAL.

Recording Angel, kindly chalk Me up as one who hates to walkj And, what is more, I do not like To stroll, meander, tramp, or hike,

I hate to strut and amble, too, To foot it, plod or shake the shoe, To toddle, waddle, strike a gait, To saunter or perambulate.

I know, of course, that there are cases When one must walk to get to places, But I, for pleasure never bother To put one foot before the,other.

Yet there are those who find elation Placing their feet in this relation, And make up games like golf or camp-

ing, . Just for the sake of endless tramping.

No; write in Doomsday Book that I Will swim or sail or ride or fly Or sit before the fire and talk, But not, if I can help it, walk;

And add to this appalling truth That never, even in my youth, Have I, in all the miles I've hiked it, Pretended that I really liked it.

Daisy: "I think the girl who, thinks she is too good for most men ia right." Maisie: "Yes—and mostly left, too."

He: "You'd better marry me, d: .1in". Eligible men are scarce." She (reflectively): "Yes, I suppose I could offer that as an explanation."

"So Bliggins spoke at the banquet last night? What sort of.a speaker is he?" "Bliggins is one of those fellows who start by saying they didn't expect to be called on, and then proceed to demonstrate that they can't be called off."

A stranger in a small town sought information. "Have you a criminal lawyer in the place 1" he asked a resident. "Maybe we have," came the reply. "But, mind ye, we can't prove'it."

"Our gramophone smashes all records," says an advertisement.. We must buy our neighbours one of these.

Salesman: What shall I write, on this notice for the window —"Eau de Cologne" or "Cologne water" ? Proprietor: Oh, I don't know. Make it as attractive as, possible. Perhaps you'-d better write it "Eau de Cologne water."

Son of House: Yes, there are two things I cannot. resist. One ii cigarettes; the other, temptation.

"Would you like to go with me to the apiary this afternoon? ", "Yes, you dear boy. I've always adored monkeys."

"So many automobiles I How does s pedestrian cross the street?" "Now and then a car wants to cross. We cross with it." .

' "That's a fine healthy boy of yours, Mrs. Blank," said a visitor to a youne matron. " Has he had the measles yet!" " Sh-sh 1 Don't speak so loud. Anything ha hasn't got he cries for."

"I have bought the screen rights to •The City Directory.'" "That will take a big cast."

The kind of mother who used to say her twelve-year-old daughter was. six, so she could travel on half fare, now Bays she's sixteen, so she can drive the car.

An actor wti arrested the other night after » party for trying to chop down a hotel on the, main street. The police say he gave a spirited performance and almost brown down the house.

"Well, old man, tough' luck; your uncle'• death wai awfully ludden.". "Yes, was a ihame. wasn't it?" "But he left quite a bit oi money, I hear." "Oh, yes, the cop shot him before he could get out of the window."

"Well, man's conquest of the air is certainly an achievement," said Gushly. "Yes, I s'pose it is," said his friend, Wetrag, "but the trouble about conquering the atmosphere is that the darned thing doesn't know when it is licked."

Your Lordship." laid Pat to the Judge, "it's a divorce I'll be after gettin' from me wife, Norah. She talks all night and she talks all day." "Why, what does she talk about?" ! "Ah, that's .what's the bother. She don't say."

' "George," said a pompous squiro to an old farm labourer, "you are getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight like me?" "Well, sir," answered George, "d'ye see yon field of corn?" "I do," said the squire. "Then ye-11 notice that the full heads hang down, while the empty heads stand up."

"Why these tears?" the kind-hearted passer-by asked a grey bearded man at the roadside. "My father just whaled me unmercifully," the octogenarian whimpered. "For shame to thus dishonour those silver hairs. Upon what pretext were you larruped?" "For being disrespectful to my grandfather."

A young wife went into a grocer's shop and Baid, "I bought three or. four hams here a month or so ago, and they were fine. Have you nny more of them?" "Yes, ma'am," 'replied the grocer, "there are ten of those hams hanging up there now." "Well, if they're off the Eame pig, I'll take three of them," said the customer. -

She: "But George, I can't marry you at once. You «ee,.if I did I should have to give up my situation, and I'm getting £4 a week there!" He: "No, my darling; I wouldn't dream of asking you to do that I I'm only getting £2 a week— I'll give up mine."

Bystander: Did you get the number of the car that knocked you down, madam? Victim: No, but the hussy that was driving it wore a three-piece tweed suit, lined with Canton crepe, and she had on a periwinkle hat, trimmed with artificial cherries.

Simkins and his young wife had _ just completed their first quarrel. "I wish I were dead," she sobbed. "I wish I was, too," he blurted out. "Then I don't wish I was," and the war continued.

"That young woman .with all those jewels carved out her own fortune." "Nonsense. She's an ex-chorus- girl. She didn't carve out her own fortune.. She married a millionaire."

"Yes, but think how many other chorus girls she had to cut out to marry him."

A freak story from the Franco-American excavations at # Ancient Carthage brings also an interesting lesson in the psychology of labour. The workmen, like all Africans and most other people, wero lazy and shirked the job. So tho excavators put in moving pictures of tho work in progress. Every digger worked likb mad, and there was a rush of unpaid volunteers, all digging to got into tho pictures.

A little country girl wont shopping in tho city with her mother and saw an elevator for the first time. How did you liko it?" asked tho father on her return. "Why, it was so funny, papa!" answered the child, "We went into a little house and the upstairs came down."

"Why do you riso so early in the morning- V" "I have to get down town early in order lo tiiid a parking 'place Tor my car." "But do you not tlicn havo a food deal of lime hanging on your ands?' "Oh, then 1 lake Ih'e oti'ect' cur home and hare breakfanl." - -