Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 14, 17 January 1925, Page 17

Wit and Humour

"WHAT I DO ON SUNDAYS." - At a depraved English school the cat got out of the bag in an unusual, way. Being required to write an essay on 1 "What I do on Saturdays," one lad, ill his fullness of heart after a good day with .tho noddies, began by saying that his first task was to "make up his book." That is not the chap, of course ;■ (remarks "Woomera" of "The Australasian"), who needs tho mourning or the warning. He's all right! Ho attends to the big things bright and early, the kind of youth'who is almost certain to baso.hia book upon tho sure foundation of pure mathematics. It's those other ruffians one worries about," whereupon the poet bursts into -song: How sad to think some callow child _ Who's probably named "Bujny," Should lure a cobber on to bet And "do" him for his monoy. To bet about a race is sin; 'Twere better far to ride it; Then wisdom has a chance to win I know it, child, I've tried it. Kid, have a care I would implore, Consider what you're cloin.' You'll undermine your moral tone ' And come to wreck and ruin. . i£? re fake and figures both combine Tho books" must ever lick 'em. Bo sure you hold the bag, dear child And let the others pick 'em. Bom? haU thej see their naked sins, •art error of their courses; Who study form, consider speed, And sink to backing horses. Vr 3" P/??'. 1? purse > but rioh in grace, Iney 11 shun the things that hurt you • And you who saved them find reward More-solid far than virtue. With book and ring it's just the thin" You re on a better wicket , L°| ■ foj'y bring tho bullion In ' t,-.u 6' yo,u i"30"1^ the ticket. Ihe symbol of your word and bond. " Though mystic, ever thrifty, Whothcr the cabalistic signs Be five, fifteen, or fifty.

I, know you not, precious kid Yet tako it from a stranger, Who touches pitch shall be defiled • Avoid like sin such danger. <^?il<?i -a °d feed men at a Prioe, Whilo giving less than getting Is almost pure benevolence And better "moz" than betting. Have you considered all its vice. Its villainy of Tophet? And how the layers fake the price To minimise your profit. •"you must have a tip, dear lad, I 11 give you one to sample. Just get a look at father's book. - And follow his example.

. "D'you know old chap, I've been trying to think of a word for two weeks, and 1 can t. ' "What about 'fortnight'?"

«L a: 3 iU-? ou bo ms; darlin S angel 7" She: "No, I want to live." Butt; "Hove you over noticed that successful men are generally bald ?" Nutt: "Of course they 'are. They come out on top."

«»4- mencaF .Tou"sfc (looking at volcano): "My word, it looks like hell" English, Tourist; "Great Scott! How these Americans travel!"

Beryl: "Well, I'll give Montie credit, for getting mo a nice engagement rinir anyway." *" "Bertha: "Yes I understand that's what tho jeweller did, too, dear."

"Every man has his price." "Yes, but how many are worth it? 1' '' Professional Beggar (to assistant in hat shop): I d like to see something in a very light hat—it's to bo held out, you know

Dr. Johnson was at work in his dictionary. ;'Bo sure to put in a good word for mo, suggested Boswell. Mrs. Nouveau-Riche (to dealer): I want to look at some of them antiques, but I'd like you to understand I don't want no- 1 thing second-hand.

:. .The'absent-minded 'professor, jokes are with '-us. again. , We are thinking- of :the prof, who kissed.his shoes good night and put;his. two daughters -under tbe> bed. . ■'■ She: Dojy/ou find time'to read the new books? ■■ t' „ ; ■ •■-.;.■:•■■... ■ ; „;,-' ■ ■■■-• '■ .He: No, I'm iopbusy discussing £hem:

"Why is you little brother crying so hard?" '"Ho was playing with a enai' in tho garden, and it ran away from him." ' v

Young Lady (to consulting physician): ' Exercise and diet! I thought you'd tell rao something simple, like an operation. A small boy was asked to write a thesis, in as few words as possible, on two of life's greatest problems. He wrote: "Twins." '

First Girl Gnido: Which way shall we walk ? Second Girl- Guide: '.There's more freo rides down this road, I think. -

Wife: "My dressmaker's bill is twice as much as I expected !" ' Husband ' (triumphantly)i: "Ah, but 1 expected it would bo 'twice as much as we expected it would bo."

Wife: "But it is twice as much as that!"

"It was a lovely show," eaid his wife. 'Mother^ncarly died of laughter." "By iovc!" said her husband, "You must take her again, dear. 1'

"Most people," she said to the fatuous young man, "admire. niy mouth. ' Do you?" VOh—er—rather," said he: "I think it's immense, don't you?"

"Young man, pan I get into the park through thia gate?" "Guess so, lady. 1 just saw a load of hay go through. 1 '

"Whatever comes," he cried dramatically, w 6 shall die together." "Ah " she murmured, "that will be company part of tho way.

"How old is your cow?" 'Two years." How can you toll?" "By her horns." Oh, yes, I see. It only has two."

_,"Chuck must,,have a. pretty good car. He told me he hasnt spent a penny on repair^ this year." "Yes, the fellow' at the garage told me the same thing."

; : ''What makes you so sure'.'.that'man is going to propose to Gladys?"" asked Gladys s; mother. ; "I have told him the same story.five times," replied Gladys's father, ;■ and he laughed at it every time""

He (after a long argument): "So you see, .dear, you misjudged in saying that. I was making lovo to' that other girl lu-st because we were out. on the porch." Sho: , 'All right, I behevo you. ; Now wipe that eyeorow off your cheek and we II go homfe. ■ ... . . : .

uiA&r'i our canary sins?"askcd '.',I Q', s'^ ouMi, nS'. cfear," Eaid his mother. ■wu!;- E, ald Bobby.-">vith-a-sigh. "I wish the girl next door would moult " ■'

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I DENTALITY. "Marjory always finds something to laugh at, even in the most depressing situations! She has a corking sense of humour, hasn't she?" "Nonsense! Sho has a corking set of leoth."

RECIPE FOR TRAGEDY. Take one reckless', natural-born fooltwo or three big drinks of bad liquor; a fast, high-powered motor-car. Soak ths fool in tha liquor, place in the car, and let him go. After duo time, remove from wreckage, place in black, satin-lined box. and garnish with flowers.

ABSOLUTELY CORRECTI A famous artist, 'who made an enormous income, but spent it as fast as it came, was buttonholed in the Strand by a needy individual. "You haven't a pound?" began the beirgar. I "Who told you?" asked the artist.

TWO OF THEM! Sympathetic old lady (to prisoner): Ah; my Unfortunate friend, jour, fate is indeed a hard one; and as shethinks of you here, in this dreadful place, how your wife must suffer!" Convict (indignantly) : "Wives, mumI'm ir here for bigamy."

PUTTING OFF THE EVIL DAY. Smith: "Yes, my wife's down at Brighton for a holiday." Robinson: "Oh? Then I suppose you'll bo popping down to see hor for a weekend, eh?" Smith: "Er, no; I hardly think so. She wrote and told me she'd come back.wkh mo if I weut down."

AWKWARD. Smith: "We're coming round to ■ see you to-night, old chap." Brown: "Good. But don't let your wife wear that new costume you told me about. I don't want mine to see it just now." Smith: "But, good heavens, that's the very reason we'ro coming 1"

QUITE A PLEASURE I "Henry," said Mrs. Glume, in one of her tearful moods, "if J were to'dis, would you mourn for- me ?" „ "Certainly I would, jny dear,", replied Mr. Glume, as he scanned' the sport* columns. "And would—would you visit my—boohoo—grave sometimes? "Of course. Why do you ask such a stupid question ? You know the cemetery is right on the way to the golf links "

THE BIRD. 1 Two old school chums chanced to meet again, and spent an interesting hour excuarigmg reminiscences. VBut I thought you were going on the , stage, old man," said o^o. 'So I did," confessed the other. "But —or—well, I discovered I wasn't suited for it." "A 1 little bird told you, I suppose V Ino other man hesitated. ' "Well, no,- not exactly," he said at last, but they might have been'birds if they'd i been allowed to hatch." '

HER OWN AFFAIR. I was in a fruit shop recently when a boy about 12 years of age came it. "My mother wants a pound of apples, please, ho gaid. \ ';"\7hat docs she want them for?" inquired tho shop lady, "cookini? or eating?" ... -. - - Evidently sionting another case of interfering with tho liberty of the subject the boy replied, "She wants to do what sho likes with them."

CONSOLATION. The other' day two little kiddies who live a few doors from us "were lost. They wore missing from\ 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and thoy had not been found at 10 o'clock at night. My wife was saying how upset 'their mother was, when my little boy, aged 8 ?™ ' £"' "'ay. will come home" all right. Wr hv, Mrs. So and So lost her cat for six woeks, and , it came home again."

"WHAT FOR? _ As we sCood on Trafalgar Square, viewing Nelson's memorial, my ' attention was drawn to a child who was gazing wondenngly as if impressed by the height of tho &tatuo. "That's Nolson," explained tho child's mother. ' ."Goodness!" exclaimed the child, with wtde-open eyes. "What a long way up! Can't ho over get down?" "No, of course not," replied the mother. .but the child evidently thought jt no laughing matter. In an awed whisper he asked, "What's he done 2"

REASSURED. In a 'New York- hotel a tolephon© girl answered a queer call over tho house exchange the 'other morning abo,ut 11 o'clock. When sho "plugtred in" a, man's voioe 6aid: "Hello. Is this tho So-and-Bo Hotel ?■" "Why, no," answered .the girl, "this ii Such:and-Such' hotel." • "Oh, all right," said the man. "Jut woke up and didn't know where I was."

RJSKY. While a tourist was maroonid between trains in a mining town ho wandered up antidown Main street for awhile, and finally entered into conversation with tho head bookkeeper of a shooting gallery. "And how is tho shooting gallery business?" ' , "Hazardous," answered'the gentlemanly attendant. - "Why so hazardous?" • "Few of the boys around her© want 'to shoot until they have been drinking."

I A VALID REASON. n." D£ I under3tand you to say," »sked the Magistrate, "that when you heard a noiso you quickly got out of bed, turned on the light, and went to the head ri the stairs—that a burglar wag at the loot of the stairs, and you did not see him? Are you blind?" ' ,i "Must I tell- the exact truth?" asked the witness as he mopped his perspiring face and blushed furiously. "Yes, sir. the whole truth and nothing but the truth." "Well," replied the man, slowly, "my wife was m front of me."

i SORRY! "Your ' change, madam. Seven and eleven—eleven and a penny—twenty Good' morning. Thank-you. 1 beg your tardon? Why, so it is! A slutting short Sorry." / '"Is it? Then I must have made a mistake somewhere. Let's see. Nine miU five are fourteon, and seven is—why, of course! It should be six. I've charged you at the old price. Sorry." "What? Doesn't ring properly? Let's have a look at it. H'm. Does sound a bit leady, doesn't it? I'll give you another ono. Sorry." "You say you've paid it, 'sir. Last, quarter? That's very strangr. 'Did nc send you a, receipt? Oh, in that ca.se it must.be a. clerical error. I'lf have it're-medied.-at once, sir. So sorry." '-Not half a pint? Were you wanting half, a pint, then? I thought you said a glass. Sorry." "Well, it gives the weight in front 4oesn t it? Only 15 ounces? Who banged it down? Here, T'll weigh it again. Oh, well, perhaps it is a bit short. I'll give you another slice. Sorry." ■ .

"When wheat and corn are in demand, ; Tho farmer sighs ■at Fortune's tricks '*"£ "FV'Twlsh *'d-tilled, my Und lait«4 er»l»yi»g pQlisiej," -*