Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVIII, Issue 154, 27 December 1924, Page 17

Wit and Humour

"Do you keep any servants?" "No, of course not." "But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?" .-"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we don't keep them."

Jones: "I hear that your daughter has married a struggling young man." Smith: "Yes, he did struggle, but he couldn't get away."

"D'ye- ken, this wireless, Bob, is just like the rows mo an' ma missus hae." "How's that, Jock?". "Words ower naethmg. Bob."

She (after spending the evening with neighbours): "I think the Smythes are an ideal couple—they think alike, about everything." He: "Yes; but I notice she always thinks first."

"n° the Judsons happily married?" lhey seem to enjoy dancing with each other.

Hobbs: "I was hypnotised onco." -Uobbs: Im a married man, too."

First Conspirator albno?" Second Conspirator (surveying the house): "Hist! Almost."

"Hist! Are we

Disconsolate One: "I wish I were dead!" Consoler: "Why? Can't you marry her —or did you?"

Tourist: "Bother! . We've climbed ■to the top of this mountain to see the view, and we've forgotten the glasses." Scottish Guide: "Osh, never mmd, there's nobody, aboot. We can just'drink oot o' the bottle."

A waiter scorod off a bullying guest rather neatly. This peppery person complained of everything the poor man did, and finally bawled out,' "j±ave you no brains, man " There was a twinkle in the waiter's eye as he answered—"Not on the menu, sir."

. Tommy: "Teacher, can anyone be punished for something they didn't do?" Teacher: "Why, no, of course;not." Tommy: "Well,. 1 haven't done any arithmetic"

Concluding sentence from a North London schoolboy's essay on the Duko of Wellington: "And when the Duke died he had a lovely funeral, and it took eight men to carry the beer."

I" .yo«r w>fe enjoying her holiday?" No; • she keeps worrying whether the canary will know :when she gets home."

She: "Why did everybody cry during the death scene? .They"mu3t have known that the aotor was not dead." He: "Yes, that was just it!" . .

"Now-, children," said the teacher, "I am going.to tell you about the hippopotamus, but you will have no idea what it is.like unless you pay strict attention and look at me. .

Johnnie. (reading about Cornwall): "Tho high chtfs and Bandy, coves make the coast look very picturesque." Toacher: "What is a sandy cove " Johnnie: "A boy with ginger hair, miss."

Bobby: "Pa, what do they call a man who has two wives?" •.Pa: "A bigamist, Bobby." . Bobby.- "Pit. suppose he had more than two wives; what is he then?" Pa:, "An idiot. Now, don't bother me vrith any more questions."

Ardent Wooer (a commercial traveller) : "My love for you, Winnie darling, surpasses anything else that can be offered in that particular line." •

"I'm very careful; I always send my children out of the house betore 1 quarrel witn my husband." "The littie doars, they look so healthy from spending their time in the open air."

Paa dcs Fleurs" (by requestj, remarks i'ather, reading from the current programme. "Do you know what that means, Ethel?" After a moment's pause, tthel suddenly inspired by the parenthotical by request," responds brightly, Of course, Dad, it mean ß no flowers!"

"Radio is a wonderful invention" It is, indeed," answered Mr". Meekton, l can t get over being surprised at the way Henrietta will sit quietly and let it monopolise the conversation."

Vicar (to tiresoms individual at parish vi^ranfT^' Da 9h' "8 the viW'DaSh: "°h' n °' "fc I>m not the

likTan 1 Jdio£' ™\*»- *»'t talk

i 7° ur,, c hIISDand is suffering," naid the doctor, "from syncopated heart." Much impressed the pair returned home and consulted tho dictionary, i When they read Synoopated^-moving quickly from bar to bar" their already high .opinion of the doctor became a matter of awe.

The teacher had been, giving the children a lesson on botany. "I^w," she said, can anyone tell me what makes the leaves turn red in the autumn?" Please, I can," replied the bright f,7, of, thß cla *>- "They're blushing to think how fjreen they've been all the summer."

Angry Visitor: I call this a downright swindle! You advertise on your bills The Most Remarkable Dwarf in the World, and he turns out to be five feet five inches high. Bland Showman: Exactly, sir. That's what's so remarkable about him. He's the tallest dwarf on record.

I'And do you really love me?" "Yes" said tho young doctor. "Tho mere sight of Isabella, sets up violent cardiac disturbances superinduces dryness of the palate, epiglottic, and larynx, and brines on symptoms of vertigo."

Dolly: "Ah auntio, I've planned such a lovely holiday. Ceila and I are JSne to take a tramp through the mountain! next week." Aunt :"Well, I su PV o, e it'll be all right if your father ajproVes, but do you really think the tram B will enjoy

Tourist: "Good morning. Your face seems familiar. I have seen you before or else someone very much like, you." Native: "Well I have never seen you be-fore-or else it s somec*9 else verj much like you that 1 have never seen before.

The Mayor hurried into the gatherine and exclaimed, apologetically, "I am sorry to have kept you waiting, but I. have Deon addressing a board meeting" "I can quite beliove that it was," said a voice from the crowd.

Defending Counsel: "You say that the fence is Bft high, and that you were standing on the ground—not mounted on a ladder or anything?" : Witness: "I do."

Counsel- (triumphantly): "Then perhaps you will kindly explain how you a man littlo over sft., could ■ soe • over a fence Bft high, and watch the. prisoner's actions!"

Witness (calmly): "There's a hole in the fence-." ,"*■

"Please, air," said tho small boy to the shopkeeper, father wants to know if there is such a thing as tobacco trust " "Yes, sonny, there is," replied the man of - business genially. . "Well, then," said the. boy, "will you trust him with a eoupls of ounces j".