THE ULTIMATE ISSUE.

Evening Post, Issue 88, 12 April 1924, Page 17

THE ULTIMATE ISSUE.

The one glorious thing in England that mustinevor die, says G. K. Chesterton, is a breakfast o£ bacon and eggs. Let policies perish and dynasties die, Till civilisation in ruin "shall, lie, And commeroe outweigh its last legs, Let science 'and learning and music decay, Let jazz disappear, but a.h, woo to the day That banishes bacon, and eggs! Fruitarian fancies, the coffee and roll, Tho cult of "no breakfast," tho green salad bowl, Roast beef, may indeed be forsaken, • But would -we relinquish depravity's dregs, There's on\j one refuge from bacon and eggs— . . _ ; A breakfast of eggs with some bacon! „_, .., ' " ' —A.W. Chomcle.

Visitor: Have you -won any prizes at school, Bobbie? . Bobbie: Not quite; but I got a horrible mention last term. '

"Don't you. think you could learn to love me?" • "Johnny, dear, I really haven't the.time —I'm so busy, with French and Mah Jpngg ami learning to. drive." , ■

"Niblick used to bo a golf nut—doeshe still find time to play now that he is married?" ■ "Well, you can judge for "yourself. ,1 saw him out in his back yard-yesterday beating rugs with his golf clubs."

. Tragedy in a nutshell: Lion and two lion hunters; lion and one lion hunter; lion. -.-•■■

Peace Advocate: Now take back everything, you've said against this peace plan or I'll knock your block- off!

Tourist: Looks as if you were going to have a fine fruit crop. ' Farmer,: Too early to say. It's only been ruined twice so far this season.

■'Rub: Did you-see much poverty in Europe? •_ ■ . ,■-,■■■ ' 'Dub: Yes, and I brought some'of it back with me! ■ '

'Driver (rounding a ( corner on two wheels): "You didn't know I could drive a car, did you ,old man? ■ :^ "Old Man" (ageing rapidly): N—n— no. Can you? ■ '.'"■■. ' ■

'.'What style of machine do you drive?" "A detouring car)" ,

Jimmic:' What is an auto da fo, father? Father: Never heard of that make of car, my boyl. - ,',..'

Host: What is your ■ Alma Mater, Mjr. Nurich?' •'. ' . ■'. ■ ' ' Guest: I never touch it, thanks, but I'll take a cigar instead. -..-..-

"Mama, I think Aunt Ellen is very beaut'ful, but don't think she' 6as beaut'ful as my now hat."

■ Every boy in .'the United States has an equal chance of. becoming a bricklayer.

Sometimes it seems to dad that after he has slaved all year he has nothing to show for' it except a calendar from his merchant. .',

"Been 'visiting,' friends 1" "No, relatives," .-' -'"

! "Nowadays," says 'a writer, "a cook will refuse to: do any 'work except the actual cooking." And'that,! very often, is not done. ..:'..■..-.' ' < ■

'Mistress: I wouldn't hold the baby so near the' tiger's cage, Nora. Nora' (the nurse): There's no risk, mum. The tiger is a "man-eater," and the child is a girl.

"Johnny, stop that noise ! Didn't -I tell you if you must laugh »always, to laugh up your sleeve ?" "Please, mum, I did, but my coat's torn at the elbow."

First Traveller: What aro you writing down?- Second Traveller: I'm making a note of a- few things ,that have made an indelible impression upon my memory, so that I shan't forget thepi.. .

Teacher: Where, 13 your penwiper, Peter? Peter: I don't know! I never use it since I got my black suit. '■''■■

Man (helping the dear young thing find a book in the public library): Have you. road "Freckles" ? Dear Young Thing: iNo, just the plairiold brown ones. ,

Were any of :your boyish ambitions ever realised ?". asked ' the sentimentalist. <i™s' rephed tho practical person. When my mother used td cut my hair I oft,en wished I might be bald-headed "

J -ji!e,,l,lev^r c"mpleted his education, did he?" "No; ho died a bachelor."-

He: What is -this, dear? 'She: Pound cako. He: Isn't it rather small for its weight ? . . . ■ ■ • • ,

Irascible Lieutenant (down engine-room tube): Is there a bUthering idiot at the end of this tube? Voice from engineroom : Nof'at this pnd, sir"!

l£ nj, aljnormar children in your classes? asked'the inspector." "Yes," replied

_ Pupil: hat. in your opinion, professor is the most difficult mathematical prob^ lem? Poor Professor (grimly): Trying to makejwth ends meet, my dear sir.

"-^r' e your chances stood in tVm iv,iV«, r l doubles?" "Very- good/ Mv n» st dl n gerous opponent is in love with my part-

fi ?; nd TiLi"? r:: Boys> ■ho^il You musn't a n -S nfc you know this is Sunday? Small Boy: Aw, chucks, lady, we don't belong to none of them labour unions.

in. i war' shs said reflectively brought about, or at least hurried a great many marriages." "True," he replied "but why dwell oh the horrors of