Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIV, Issue 49, 26 August 1922, Page 17

Wit and Humour

AN AMERICAN MEDITATION. Beyond black hills the storm clouds roll, The moon and"stars are pone. Long thoughts are waking toward tho dawn While night takes toll. / Then comes this thought, that makes the dark more deep; IJwewed it well—but will the blamed "•stuff keep? New York "Life." ' . -E.R.C.

PORTBNTS,

If a girl is very tidy, Bays a psychologist, she will be an old maid. / How I tremble, my jweeU When your tresses axe neat, And each eye on your blouse has a hook in; When I enter ysmr -flat - Without finding a hat On a ohair, or a ..bowl'' with a book in! If I only might tread On^a spool of white thread, Tripping; over the - strings of your 'cello, I would ne'er be afraid 01 your role as ojd maid"; — Ypu.wpuld malvP me the. happiest fellow! "Chronicle." .' ■ —A.W.

THE IDEAL HUSBAND.

A London newspaper has been offering prizes for the best definition of the ideal husband, and Lady Wolseley wins easily with the epigrammatic) description, "One who is too good to be true." Take if for its wit, for its wisdom, or for ite truth, and it scores every way. A second prize-win-ner dips into detail. "As well aq working for her,, keeping her, and clothing her, he brings her the first violet from the garden, puts a footstool for her feet when she is tired, take* a vivid interest in what interests her—books, needlework, music—and goes with her to buy her frocks, and ooats, and hats in particular." That is the ideal husband, but most emphatically not the idle one.

For the ideal husband, the ideal man, v. All women wait forlorn ; Though the specification* may suggest That he hasn't yet been born. And. should luck one day in its kindest mood Such, prize to a woman 'Some cynic may in his scow predict That he's much too good to live. * No; be isn't born, and he can't be built, Though enterprise moves so fast; For, alas, the' art of miracles Is lost ijf fhs misty past. But the definition is there to* see, Though it makes us rant or rave; * And it just describes the ideal man, And the actual galley slave. "Australasian." . "Woomerf." \ . .. ' -. T- ' ' "

Teddy: "You haven't Vny whiskers or very much hair." . Sister's Hero: "Well, what of it?" Teddy: "Oh, I was only wondering how pa was goipg to manage it." Sister's Hero: "Manage what?" Teddy: "He said he was going to mop the floor with you." ,

"What !'"said the indignant old gentleman, "you want to marry my_ daughter? Why, it was only a ; few "years, ago that you were oaddying for me." ■

"Yes, sir," the young man replied. "But I don't intend to let that stand in the way. I hope I have sense enough t3 realise that a very bad golfer 'may make a fairly good father-in-law." ■ \.

"Tell me, Boubiloff, how is it that everybody in Russia is a Bolshevik?" "My friend, half of them lost' their heads and the others are trying to hang on to theirs."

Jimmy: "Yer ma won't let yer do that."

. Freddy: "She will if I can get pa ter say I'can't." > ' ./■

Magistrate (to' prisoner): "Your aocoraplice refused to give hie Residence, Where do you live?" Prisoner: "Me? Across the way from him, your Honour." ■

"I« the bpfi in, bis own home?" "I should say he is. He plays golf on Sunday, and make* his wife call up for starting! time. "-

"Why do you think the Smythe girl is so highly cultured?" • > "Well, I know for a faot that she can see a hole in a newspaper without wondering what's been out out." .

Mother: "Now, Tommy, remembef to wash your hands before coming into lunoh. I expect Unole Harry." ' Tommy: "But supposing he . doesn't come?"

Wif« (at th© window): "Whew. . I might ask, have you been till thia hour of the morning?" Husband (outside): "W-w_hy, round at the c-olub, of course, o—6—oonsiderin' of a strike. 11 Wife: "Well, you go baok to your club and ooneider it a. lock-out!" ' ,

The latest reliable information is that Suzanne Lenglen will positively play in the big net tilt, but'that she positively will ,not play in th* biff net tilt, as her health is bad, although she is not worried about her health, which is perfect.

IRONY OF FATE.

"Ah," sighed the serious-faced patMnger, "how little we know of thei future and what is in Store for us." "That's true," his seat-mate responded. "Little' did I think when some thirty years ago I carved my initials on the desk in the Old CountryIschool that I would some day grow up and fail to beoome famous."

HQ.W TO GIVE NOTICE,

Mistress (to new cook-general): "You must have breakfast ready by seven tomorrow, aa your master wants to catch the seven-forty-five train."

New Cook-General: "I'm catehin' it meself."

NOVELETTE.

;.'■.-■'.■' i. They met. They felt they had known each other for thousands of years. IIThey married. Then they were «ure of it.

CARTE BLANCHE.

Doctor: "I would advise you, tnndani, to take frequent baths, plenty of fresh air, and dress in cool gowns." Husband (an hour Uter): "What did the doctor say?" , Wife: "He said I ought to go to a watering-place,- and afterwards to' the country. Also, I must get some new light gowns at once."

THE DESIRE FOR CHANGE.

! Father:_ ('I don't; know what is tho matter with that child, He won't stay in the same place' any length of time." Mother: "Ho probably got it from his nurses." ' . .

BATHER DRY.

"What did you think of my discourse?" asked a lecturer of an old farmer. , ' "Tt was right enuff," was the moody reply, "but a couple of hours rain would ha' done- it good, for it war raythor dry.'

A SON OF THUNDER?

The Methodist Recorder Kports that an announcement 'in the following terms was reoontly posted outside a/ Midland Church:—"Next . Sunday the' Rev. will preaoh here, morning and evening; after which the church will be closed for six' wseki for n«M»»rv rmoiiir,"

TRIALS OF A NAMESAKE. Mother (to vioar): Oh, piea«e, sir, 1 was agoin' to ask. you, could anything be done to change pore htle Lloyd Georgia's name 'ere? The pore little kid's 'ad to suffer summat oruel. 'E can't do nothin' right since 'is father's changed 'is visws about the Prime Minister !

\IN THE HOUR OF TRIAL.

■ Jones: "Heaven bless him! He showed confidence in me wheii the oloudi were dark and threatening." Robinson: "In what way?" Jones: "He lent me. an umbrella."

BATHER UNUSUAL. "

Ted: There are still some things we haven't found out about feome brew.

Ned: Yes, no one has yet accused the Chinese'of making it thousands of years ago.

QUANDARY.

Motorist: You say this isn't the road to Mudvillfi? Then that fellow dovtn the line lied to me. •> Wayfarer; Heo-Hee ! How d'ye know he did ? Mebbe it's me that's lyin'!

QUITE DIFFERENT.

Two tourists were admiring a beautiful winged statue on one of the most famous buildings in the oity. "Obviouily Mercury,", said one to the other. , "No, it ain't, neither," said a email boy standing near. "It';S bronze."

STILL WAITING.

■ The self-made man stalked into the office of ,a great financier with whom he had an appointment. "I don't, suppose you rara«mb«r me," he began, "but .twenty years ago, when I was a poor messenger boy, you gave me a message to carry"——" "Yes, yep," cried the fiiMßoier. "Where's the.answer?" ■'.. , ;

THE FAREWELL.

An old lady of seventy waa rather tearful as she bade farewell to her mother, aged ainety-five, who-n. she h»d been/ visiting. "Good-bye, dear mother!" she.said. "I hope we eha.ll meet again." "I hope so, my child," replied her mother, briskly. "They tell me you are looking very well."

A TRICK OF THE TRADE.

Everything was ready for the oliok of the .shutter when the photographer atkod "Will you have a drink?" ' " The gum-looking man brightened up and said, "Thanks, I will." ' - / The photograph was £aken, and then the litter asked, "What about that drink?"' '/•.-.' "Oh," said the photographer, "that wh just a trick to give-you a contented and nappy expression."' .

NO TIME LIKE /THE PRESENT.

Young Mibgy had married contrary to his father's wishes. : Meeting his son soon afterwards the father said, angrily, "Well, young man,-1 have m«de my will, and cut you off with a shilling." _ "I am very sorry, i&tber," said1 the youth. Then, after a pVuia, "You don't happen to have the shilling with -you, do you?"

A BLOT ON THE LANDSCAPE.

"Beg pardon, guy'nor," said the tramp —a particularly dirty and objectionable specimen—to a prosperous-looking citizen, "would you give me two shillings to improve and beautify your town?" "What's the,.idea?" was the non-com-mittal and suspicious response. "Why, for two shillings I'll more on to the next village," the .objectionable on* explained. He got the money. • ,

SLOW SERVICE,

The hungry poet took a seatj, at an inn where the servants were of the "snailspeed" type. A young boy took the order for • plate of beef, and, after an hour's lapse o{ time, returned. > . "Are you tjie boy th*t went for my plate of meat?'' asked the poet. "Yes, sir," replied the boy. 1 'Good gracious—how you have mourn!" remarked the poet. .

TEMPERAMENT ANEID.

With the revival of the Whistler anecdotes Mortimer Menpes' story of the Master's only "shoot" comes once more into the picture. _ The great man took oareful aim, and brought down—his host's favourite retriever/ "It was a dogwithotft artistic habits," P'j.^Pl**"6*l' "Bnd h** Pl***l .itself badly in relation to the landeoape'l

A COUNTRY PLACE IN THE SUN.

An estate agent had been engaged to drive- a prospective purchaser over a large estate in the. West of England. He was a young man, and had adopted, or tried to adopt, some of the American, methods. As the car Wound along the lanes he pointed out the parks and meadows and woods of the estate, launching out into panegyrics. • ■ Finally she gazed up at the sun and, waving his arm, concluded, "And there's sunshine for "you! There's a sun! Can you beat it?" •- _

NEW USE FOR TRIBULATION.

An; old negress who' was a perpetual provider of tales of woe approached her mistress one day with a particularly doleful Btory. She was met this time with a suggestion that she should cheer up, as there, was no use in worrying. But the mammy held other views. "How comes dere's no us© worrying?" she asked. "When de good Lawd send me tribulation He done, 'spect me to tribufate, ain't he?"

A GREAT DIFFERENCE.

An Englishman and v a Scotsman! were discussing the. Darwin theory, and after prolonged argument had got to the point where they were nearly in agreement. "So," said the Englishman, "we are both agreed that we have descended from the monkey." The Scot was silent for a moment.and th'ep replied: , "Weel, ,_no' exactly. Ma opeenion is that the' English descended, but the Scots ascendod."

THE CRUSHED WORM SCORED.

The story of the London.'but. conductor who rebuked the impertinence of the passenger who wanted oh&nge for !m)f a crown by giving her 28 coppers, reminds a reader that he once heard one of t';ese autocrats receive a lesson. , A passenger tendered half a crown, his smallest coin, and with a malicious grin the conductor counted out 28 pennies in change. A few minutes later he was back again. He was short of coppers, could the gentleman oblige? The gentleman pould not. He wanted the coppers, he "said. That conductor has probably renounced all, practical jokes with coppers for the future.

RETURNING THE COMPLIMENT.

An eminent Judge travelling in a firstclass car was annoyed by a stranger who entered and lighted a strong cigar." The Judge remonstrated. The stranger ignored him, .whereupon the Judge took out his card and handed it to the fellow. The strangely put the card in his pocket, blew a puff in the great man's face, and went on 6moking. When the train stopped, the raging Judge rose aa the stranger slipped out of the couch and vanished. "Follow that man!" roared the Judge to a porter. "Get his name and address. Quick." In'a minute "or so the porter returned rather ' scared. "I shouldn't go any farther with the case if I were you, sir, ho said, "Do you know who the B«ritl«m»n is?" And tn« porter htaded th» Judg* hii own cud