HANDICAPPED.

Evening Post, Volume CIII, Issue 83, 8 April 1922, Page 14

HANDICAPPED.

All my friends are writing memoirs, proof that I am growing old; Authors, actors, playwrights, statesmen tell us what can now bo told. And I study their confessions, waiting for tho time I shall Dare to bo, us they, are, frankly autobiographical. First you tell about your childhood, what your nurse and mummy said When she kissed hor little genius us she tucked him into bed; How at school you were not clover, but showed flashes now and then Of tho greatness that was destined to bo recognised by men. Yes, it is a great temptation, one Unit I could not resist, Presently to'write my memoirs if tho public should insist; But I'm handicapped, I fenr mo, if this feat I dare to try, For, like our great country's Father, 1 can never tell a lie. —E. S. Van Zile, in New York Life. "It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack." "Then why didn't you marry him?" "I mot him again so often." Rsado —"Do you bclicvo in heredity ?" Jenner—" Of course I do ! Why, I've got one of the brightest boys you ever saw." . Professor of Chemistry—"Now, under what conditions is gold most quickly released ?" Student—"l know, sir. Mar- - riage." Pretty Niece (blushing)—" Auntie, what would you do if you learned that a young man was secretly inquiring your ability as a cook?" Wise Aunt —"I should immediately make secret inquiries as to his ability to provide things to cook, my. dear. ' Watson—"But how did you detect tho fellow? His disguise as a woman was absolutely perfeot." Sherlock Holmes—"l noticed that when the supposed woman sat down she gave her dress a little jerk with both hands, as if to keep it from bagging at the knees." Mother (reprovingly): When' I waa young, girls never thought of doing the things they do to-day. Daughter: Well, that's why they didn't do them. Papa—Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlour last night? Daughter: Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall. Ch*tty Person—Too bad you lost so much at bridge, my dear; but, anyway, it's nice you'.ve been granted your alimony. "Yes; unlucky at cards, lucky at love!" "In time of trial," said tho preacher, "what brings us the greatest comfort?" "An acquittal," responded a person who should never have been admitted. "Terribly rough," said the stranger on board the ocean liner. "Well," said the farmer, "it wouldn'/t be near so rough if the captain would only keep in the furrows. " Angry Father (slick in hand, to littlo Willy)—" Why are your clothes soiled so frightfully?" Little Willy (whimpering) — "I fell in. the gutter." "And with your new knickers on?" "Yes, pa. I didn't have time to come home and change 'em." "Can any little boy," asked the new teacher, "tell me tho difference between a lake and an ocean?" "I can," replied a small scholar, who had seemingly had experience in both. "Lakes are nicer to swallow when you fall in." "Look at that foolish Mr. Baxter out on a day like this without an umbrella, la he crazy?" "I'm afraid he is.' Let's hurry on. 1 don't want to mefct him." "Why not?" "He may recognise this umbrella. It's his." Fanner: "I gave a blind beggar sixpence yesterday. Yes, it touched my heart when he said, 'Help the - blind, handsome gentleman.'" Neighbour: ''He said that, did he?" Farmer: "Yes, he did!" Neighbour: "Well, he must have been blind■!" "Well, well," he exclaimed, as he tackled her first meat pie, "where did you get. this?" "I made that outoj Mrs. Shorter's cookery-book," replied the young wife. "It's a " "Ah !" lie broke in. "This leathery part is the binding, Isuppose?" The landlord of the building had agreed to put new wallpaper on the rooms. "What kind do you prefer?" he asked. ''Something with large figures?" "Decidedly not," said the new tenant, "they would always remind me of the rent I have to pay."