IN KULTURLAND.

Evening Post, Volume XCVI, Issue 36, 10 August 1918, Page 11

IN KULTURLAND.

There's a homo for little William Beyond tho deep.blue sea, Whcro everything is placid— Yes, as placid as can bo. Where life is ono bright circle ' Of sunny summer days, And none will seek to interfere With Willies peaceful ways. Oh, happy St. Helena, When all is calm and still,And your lono shores provide tho cheque To pay our little bill! —Horace Wyatfc. "Malics in Kulturland." "There's a man to sco you, sir, with two wooden legs." "Tell him wo don't want any." Inspector: "Why does a dog hang his tonguo out of his mouth ?" Bright-looking ' Boy : "To balance his tail, sir."

Druggist (to hia ■ stout wife)—" Don't come.in just this minute. lam about to sell six bottles of my fat-reducing mix: ture." . : '„'■■■.. ...

She—Do you think our soldiers were happy when they .first started for France?" He—"Happy ! .They wero in transports \"

Mr. Pugh—^"Never saw, such a crowd at our church before." Mrs. 1 Pugh—"New minister?"' Mr. Pugh—"No, it-was burnt down last night." ', / - . ,i

"Mother, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"" "Yes,: Jimmie. Why?'," " 'Cause, if it is I kept about ten doctors'away:this.morning." -......-. . ,

Noll—"I have to icad a paper on 'Ideal Women 1 at the next meeting of our ladies' club." Jack—"Well, all you need to do is to stand up and lot thorn look at you."

Friend of thtx Family—"How do you liko your now mamma, Johnny?" Johnnie — "Oh, pretty good. I ato'a jar of plums yesterday and she blamed tho servant.

"What sort of a man is he?" "What sort? Oh, you know his form to a T. Ho is too proud to ride 'third,' but not ashamed to go' 'firsf vith a third-class ticket."

D'Aubist—"Do you thick my battle picture expresses, as I haro meant it,,too,"all the poignant horrors of 'war ?" Krittick— "Oh. yes, it's the awfullest thing I ©ver saw;"1 . ■ ■ '• : . . ■ ..

Tho Guide—"Now, ez soon ez I kin borry a dorg we'll be ready for your huntin' trip." The Amateur Sport—"Why, what's the matter with your own dog?" The Guide —"Oh, he's too valuable."

"Now, Johnny," said the Sunday school teacher, "can you tell me one of the most remarkable things. Moses did?" "Yes, ma'am," replied the bright youth. "Ho broke all the commandments at the same' time."

Hilda—Well, there's one thing I can say. I never.made a cloak of my religion. Bertha—No, dear, thoro's not enough of it for that. Might bo enough, perhaps, to make a pocket handkerchief. ,-' \ -.

"One half of the world knoweth not how the other half liveth," quoted the philosopher. "Gee!" said the sce-ptio, ■"I didn't-know there were so many people as that who minded their own, business."

Sohool Janitor—l found the '/Nofc to be used except in case of fire" placard those boys stole out of the conridor, sir. Head Master—Where? , School Janitor—They had nailed-it over the coal bunker, sit.

Young Arthur was wrestling with.a. lesson in. grammar. 1. "Father," said he thoughtfully, "what jWt. of speech is woman?" "Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; shee' all 'of it," returned .the father. :. „ :'' : .

"Don't you know," eaidi the polioemsm to the servant as she was dumping a' pail of garbage in' an open lot, "that what you are-doing is against the law?" "Oh, don't talk to mo about the law;" replied the girl. "It's all I caji do to keep the Ten Commandments." i. . .

Two cabbies were glaring at each other.' "Wot's the matter with you?" demanded one. "Nothink's the matter with me, you bloomin' idiot!" "you gave me a nasty look;" porsisted the'first. "Me? Why you certainly have a nasty look, but-I didn't give.it to you, co 'elp me." :

A gentleman, riding- through the country, saw a board with "This cottage for sail" painted -on it. .As he was always ready .for a pleasant joke, and seeing a woman in front/of the house, .he stopped and asked her very politely when the cottage would sail. "Just as soon:as the man comes who can Taise the- wind," was the quiet reply. : . , ■■ . .

- "I suppose," ventured the interested friend of the family, "that John is still burning, the midnight' oil at college?" "Yes, indeed,", responded the fond but puzzled mother, "but the college must furnish a very inferior quality of oil. , John writes:me that some, midnights, the lightis so poor ho can hardly read' his hand."