WIT AND HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume XCIV, Issue 18, 21 July 1917, Page 11

WIT AND HUMOUR

FATED. I think I'll marry Carry, She seems my proper mate, Though I am fond of Mary, And muoh admire Kate. Bettina's smile is winning, Flo's ways are a delight, And Lucy keeps me grinning,And Mabel's ©yes are bright. v I find I'm drawn to Nancy, And Grace is^dear to me, And Gertrude strikes my fanoy— But Carry it must be. 'Twas meant for U9 to marry; . The fates .have willed 1 it so. I'd rather quarrel with Ca-rry Than any girl I know. —Walter G, Doty. N.Y. Times. TEyE DIAGNOSIS. The .learned specialists dismissed The patient eagerly. "Hk heart, I'm sure," said Dr. Outts, And pulled his grey goatee. "His lungs, I know," eaid Dr. Pill, And spoke defiantly. "You're w*ong—his head," said Dr. Iferve, And nodded emphatically. But th© devil, listening, only grinned, For ha knew quite well, you see, That death was the sole diagnosis Upon which they'd all agree. —Jeantultte Phillips. Life. "In my time," declared grandma, "girls were more modest." "I know," said the flippant girl. "It was a fad once. We may get back to it." >■ Manager—What makes you think he's a German? Waiter—Well, sir, 'e'a registered as a Scotsman—tat 'c ain't touched the whisky I took 'im * quarter of an hour ago. "Ma, what is meant by the progressive party?" "The progressive party, my dear? Why, that's where all the partners change after evsry game." Precooioos Offspring—Pa, may I ask jußt one more question? Patient Paier—Yea, my son. Just one more. Precocious Offspring—Well, then, pa, how is it that while- the night falU, it's the day that breaks? "Your daughter's music is improving," said the professor, "but when she plays the scales I have to watch her pretty closely." "Just like her father," said Mrs. Nttritch, "He made his money in the grocery business." "Now, then, children," said the teacher, who had been oomoieniicg upon polar expeditious, "who can tell me what fierce animals inhabit the regions of the North Pole?" "Polecats," shouted the boy at the foot of the class. Tee Lady of the House—l think you will not find me difficult to suit/ Marie. The New M»id —lam sure not, ma'am. I caw your husband as I came in. Pa—l greatly disapprove of that young Smithsbn, wad one particular reason' is his lack of interest in his calling.. Daughter—His calling:. Why, papa,, he calls seven evenings in the week. "That parrot I bought uses violent language." "Lady," replied the dealer, "I wont . deny that he does swear some. But you must .give him credit for the fact that he doesn't drink nor gamble." A financial genius is a man who can spill a cup of coffeo on another man's light trousers, and then make that fellow pay for the cup of coffee. REASON ENOUGH. She considered it her duty to oorreoi Tommy very frequ«at!y. Sometimes she let acts pass, but even, wibh that margin there still. remained so many occasions for the correction of Tommy that she was getting pretty tired of doing it. "Tommy," she said wearily, "why do you soratch your head '!" . "Because nobody else knows 3usti where it itobee," said- the little boy. A MILD REQUEST. A glue factory stands near a certain railway. lis charms are not for the nose, and therefore a lady often, carried with hex a bottle of lavender salts. One morn-, ing, an old farmer took the seat beside her. Ac the train Beared the factory the lady opened her bottle of salte. Soon the whole car was filled with the horrible odour. The farmer put up with i* as long as he could, then, shouted, "Madam, would you mind puttin' the cork iii that 'ere bottle?" TEMPERATURE". A Scottish doctor who was attending a laird had instructed the butleT of the ■house in the art of taking and recording his master's temperature with a thermometer. On paying his usual morning call ho was met by the butler, to whom ho said:- "Well, John, I hope the laird's temperature is not any higher to-day ?" The man looked puzzled for «- minute, and than replied: "Weol, I was just wonderin' that myseT. Ye Bee, he deed at twal o'clock." DEFICIENCY MADE ,UP. in times of peace Smith might have been an author who had drifted into some useful occupation, such as that of a blacksmith, bat just now he is cook to the Blankehire officers' mess. Smith sent Murphy into the village to bring home some' chickens ordered for the mess. "Muirphy," said Smith the next day, "when you fetch me ehipkens again see that they are fastened up ; properly. That lot you fetched yesterday all got loose* add though I. scoured the village I only ■managed to eecure ten of them. . "Sh.!". eaid Morphy. "I only brought six." THE OLD HOME WAY. Miss' Beauty Chorus (returning to her native village, and anxious to impress her fiance): "I say, isn't it possible to get a t»xi or something for%Jl our luggage in this one'eyed old place?" Porter: "You'll no need ane, Maggie. Yer fathers juefc comin' d.oon the brae wi' his wheelbarrow." A POSER. "Dad," began the son of a physician the other day, "I want' to ask you something." The doctor laid down, his paper «nd said: "What do you want to know, my eon?" ■ . "Which has more legs, one pig or no P'g?" The father frowned and picked up his paper again. "I didn't know you wanted to a«k me a silly question of that kind," he said, irritably. "One pig, of course." "No, ho hasn't," the youngster chuckled. "A pig has four legs, and no pig has six legs.;. Seei" FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following among., his directions to mothers: — "When the baby is done drinking id must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place . under the hydrant. If 'the baby iloes not thrive on fresh milk it should be boiled." AN EYE FOR BARGAINS. "Sire," said the grand vizier, of. a certain Oriental potentate, "I suggiost that in the'"future we buy our automobiles from tire western company that. Iras just offeree! n-3 «■ thirty per cant, discount." "Good !" said the potentate. "Order n- consignment of live hundred automobiles, assorted sizes, :it, onco, and toll the company to solid us it cheque for the discount by return mail, and the bill will be Retried in chic course." THAT TIRED FEKLINCJ. Spring—Why do you look so pained 7 Fevor—'l'm Ue.y. Spring-*What's, that got to do with it ? Fever—l'm sitting on. my cigarette.