ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Evening Post, Volume XCI, Issue 84, 8 April 1916, Page 16

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

NEVER TROUBLE TROUBLE. Though life is made up of mere bubbles, 'Tis better than many aver, For while we've a whole lot of troubles, The most of them never occur. —Nixon Waterman.

"What was the longest sentence you ever heard, old man?" "I new pronounce you man and wife."

"I am absolutely convinced that my arguments are correct," said the earnest man. "Well," replied Senator Sorghum, "it's a good start. You've got one man converted, anyhow."

Parke—You know, I wish I had some real occupation that I knew was going to take up a largo part of my time'for the rest of my life. Lane—Why don't you start a lawsuit in New York ?

Clergyman (to tattered hobo)—lnstead of spending your life wan-doring about the countryside and sleeping under hedges, why cannot you act like a man and go out and fight for your hearth and home ?

John—l'm going to have a swell feed in the room to-night. George— l'll be there. John—All right. Lend me a quarter to buy conic crackers; you get some milk and cheese, and we'll have a ra-rebifc.

lirst College Student—lt is a fact that we have superior educational advantages to what our fathers had. Second College Student—That's right. Why, my old man never saw a football or a showgirl till he was thirty.

I wish I had money enough to get married, he remarked. She looked down and^blushed. "And—what—would—you— do?" she asked, looking very hard at the carpet. _ 'I would spend it travelling," he replied.

'I suppose your daughter will start her scholastic career with some special rudimentary studies?" "No, indeed. There am t going to be nothin' rude about it. She's goin' to take only polite literatoor."

Evidently that young man. I met at your party does not know who I am," .remarked Mr. Moneybags to his wife. "What makes you think so?" "If he appreciated the extent of my financial influence ho would have laughed at my jokes instead o£ my grammar."

"Are you sure that your wife is coming in on this train?" "No doubt about it. They just told me it was three-quarters of an hour behind time."

First Convict—The doc told me if I did not quit smoking I'd croak within two years. Second ■ Convict—Going to quit? First Convict—Nope; the joko's on the doc; I'm going to be hanged next month.

"You say you are in love with that girl?" "Yes, old pal—l'm hit at last!"

"But I can't see—pardon me—the least thing attractive _ about her." "Neither can I. ' But it's there, all right." '■'Where?" "In the bank."

First Recruit. —What do you think of the major, Bill? Second Recruit—'E's a changeable kind o' bloke. Last nignt I says to 'im, "Oo goes there?" an' 'o says, "Friend!" an' to-day 'c 'ardly knows me.

, "I hear your husband delights in fishing,"_ gushed the effusive caller. "Oh, yes, indeed," responded her hostess. "It was only yesterday I said to him, 'William, you are becoming a perfect anirlophobe."

"Seems to think well of himself, eh?" "Do you know what kind of a. fellow ho is?" "Tell me.'' "He takes stock of himself a dozen times a day for fear he'll overlook some of his good points."

"Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone?" asked Mr. Brown a. few days after the funeral of that eminent captain of industry. "No. what was it?" enquired his neighbour, curiously "Someone added the word 'friends' to tho epitaph" "What was tho epitaph ?" " 'He did his best.' "

"No use," said the actor peevishly, "I simply can't take this part. If I do I have to die in the first act." "Sure you do. What are you kicking about?" asked the manager cheerfully. "You die a respectable death, don't you? If you ever had a chance to come on in the second act you'd get killed."

He was an able-bodied Englishman, out of work,, ajid made a genial request for a little assistance. It was perhaps natural for the donor of twopence to enquire whether the recipient had contemplated enlisting in the army.. "I'd go liko a shot, sir," oame tho answer, "but I've such a 'ot temper, and when I read what them Germans 'avo done I can't old myself in. No. sir, if I was at the front I couldn't 'elp committing outrages on 'em. I'm best at 'ome."

Tho Woman —Here's a wonderful thing. I've just been reading of a man who reached tho age of forty without learning how to road or write. He mot a woman, and for her sake ho mado a scholar of himself in two years. The Man—That's nothing-. I know a man who was a- profound scholar at forty. Then he met a woman, and for her sake ho made a fool of himself in two days.

A story from the trenches:—"One cold morning a sign was pushed up above this German trench facing ours, only about fifty yards away, which bor© in large letters the words, "Got mit Uns!" One of our_ cockney lads, more of a patriot than a linguist, looked at this for a moment and then lampblacked a big sign of his own, which he raised on a stick. It read • 'We Got Mittuns, Too !' "

A Swedish^ farmer, who lived on his wheat farm in Minnesota, was taken ill, and his wife telephoned the doctor. "If you have a thermometer," answered the physician, "take his temperature. I'll bo out and see him presently." An hour or so later, when the doctor drove up, the woman met him at the door. "How is he?" a-sked the doctor. "Veil," said she, "Ac ban. put the barometer on him lake you taj' me, and it say 'Vary dry,' co Ao give him pitcher of vater to drink, and now ho ban gone back to york."

On New Year's Eve. just as it was getting dusk, a bricklayer's labourer walked down the main street of tho city. Coming fco a pqulfcry dealer's place he stopped and gazed admiringly at the fowls and erame displayed on tho window plab. Ono turk'oy of about fifteen pounds' weight took his fancy. After running his fingers through the coins in his trousers pockets a few times he decided on having that turkey. Picking it up ho entered the shop. The shopman was very busy. "Jest weigh this bird for me, will ye?" said he. "Why don't you take your birds somewhere else to be weighed," snappily replied tho poulterer without looking up. "Oh, I kin do that all riefht." ho replied, cheerfully picking the bird up and walking out with it

Jinks had one bed of gCraniums in his garden of which ho was very fond—they made such a fine splash of' colour. And the neighbour's cat was also partial to them; only she didn't admire them from a distance, but from in between. The result was that nearly every morning Jinks found one or more of his pet plants smashed to the ground. Repeated complaints to the owner of the cat hod no effect, so ono fine day the cat disappeared. Jinks's neighbour was very much upset tuid determined to trace his lost pet. Ho Jay in wait for Jinks's small son and askod him, "Your father hasn't said anything about cats lately, has he, George?'1 George shook his head. "Nor your mother?" went on the cross-ex-aminer insinuatingly. . "No," said t.ho small boy; "but last night father was cleaning his gun, and mother' said thank goodness we could leave the milk jug outside this morning."-