Page 16 Advertisements Column 4

Evening Post, Volume XC, Issue 63, 11 September 1915, Page 16

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY • — ♦ DIFFERENT. That is a touching poem, Now many cycles old, About the hairs of eilver That mingled with the gold, But yet for royal splendour, For wild barbaric strength, For richness and for fullnes*, For height and breadth and length. It can't with Mrs. Gray's remarks An instant brief compai*e When on her husband's silver head She 'found a golden hair. ' <S* — Boston Courier. TIT FOR TAT. Donald, the boatman, had been taking the minister, a total abstainer, out fishing, and was asked on his return if he'd had a good day. , "Na, na." returned Donald. . "The mean-speerited . body had nae whusky, sao I took him. whaur there wis nae fish." SAVED HIS MATCH. . - Robbie met a neighbour who was smoking some fine, fragrant tobacco" sent by his son in America, He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Ha'e you a match, Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. » "I d obelieve," said Robbie, "I ha'e left ma tobacco at' hame." "Then," said Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht give me ba6k ma match." ■ A POINT THAT MISSED. A politician who was seeking ihe votes i of a certain community in Ohio to the end that he might be sent to Congress thought it worth while to make mention of his humble origin- and early struggles. ' "I got my start in- life. by serving-, in a grocery at three dollars a week, and yet I managed to save," he announced. Whereupon a voice from the audience queried : "Was that before ,the invention of cash registers?" ' OPEN CONFESSION. Sheridan was one day annoyed by a fel-low-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out, "Hear, hear." During the debate he, took occasion to describe > a political opponent. "Where," he exclaimed, with great emphasis, "where shall we. find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?" "Hear, hear," shouted the troublesome member. ' . Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. "Have you no friends V,\ asked the recorder. "No, Judge; nothin' but relatives." (1 \ Katie (very earnestly)— lf you had never met me, darling, would you have loved me just the same? George (fervently) — Ye 6, deario — more. Mr. Mudd — Now where the deuce is that carburetter? Mrs. Mudd — Why, John, I heard you swearing at ft, so I threw the horrid thing in the ditch. "What makes you think Dauber will succeed as a painter?" "He has the'soul of an artist and the perseverance of a book agent." Hokus— What's the matter with Flubdub? He looks as though he didn't hay* a friend in the world. Pokus — Oh, he's still keeping- his New Year resolutions. "Doppel hates to spend money." "Til tell you how much. If it were possible to take gas every time he port* with a dollar, he'd take it." The Lady of the House (to gas company collector) — Yus, an' the only difference between the Germans' bad gas an' yours is Germans don't charge for ifc ! Magistrate — It appears to be your record, Mary Moselle, that you have been thirty-five times previously convicted of drunkenness. The Prisoner — No woman is perfect. "My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat." "Did you laugh him to scorn?" "I did at frrat; 1 but when he sent in his bill I found. he* was right." Music Dealer— And here's the "Lucia" sextet— a very popular record. Mrs. Rox (virtuously) — No, not for a family machine; there's too much of this ccx business nowadays. The Sultan— l want to speak to 'you about the light of the harem. Grand Vizier— The beautiful Fatima? The Sultan — No, the gas bills. They're getting too goldarn high. ; Madge — Have you really found thai %h-' •ence makes the heart grow fonder ? Mar* jorie — Indeed I have ! Sine* Charlie went away I've learned to love Jack ever «o much more. English Visitor — Did you ever know of an American, having an old family servant? American Hostess — Of course. Why, I have a cpok that has been with me over a month ! "Don't hate a man because he haa lots of money," counsels a Eureka philosopher. "Cultivate his acquaintance and see if there isn't some honest wayyoUiCan. separate him from some of it.*' ; London Householder — Not rtaiiy people away holiday-making in war time, I sup pose, milkman? Milkman^-Weli, mum, you'd be surprised; at lean five gallons of my customers /were away 'last weekend. "See that man over -there?" "Ye» — very ordinary looking ' What's he ever done?" "Well, he ain't much for looks, but he oan come nearer findin' » drink in a dry town than any other' man ye ever seen." ' Tourist— How far i« it to' til© villas* °* Slocum? — Native — Fo3ve mile, sir. But you be walking away 1 from it. Tourist — But the «ign-post directed me this war! Native — Ah, yes! But we've 'ad all the sign-posts turned round to fool the Zeppelin*. '' ,- Young Lady (on first visit to Western ranch) — For what' purpose do you use that coil of line on. your saddle ? Cowpunoher — That line, as you call it, lady, we use for catching cattle and horses. Young Lady —I dare cay. Now 1 , may I a«k, what do you use for baft? ' ' "You ccc that old chap? The war's oost 'im a pretty penny." "'Ow's that?" "Well, 1 c used to 'ang round our works money-lending. Lend a bob to any man 5005 00 'ad a nnddle-of-the-week thirst, and get eighteenpence 'back from 'im on Saturday. And all the chaps 'oo'vo gone to enlist took it out of old Tom by borrowin' a bob on their last day. _ Hesay^s that this war's a disgrace to civilisation. "We must 'have an organ to support us," said the practical politician. "Just what I" was saying to my monkey," observed the itinerant musician. Mrs. Brown was entertaining- friends, and somewhere between angel cake and chocolates' the fair guests began to pay tribute to their respective husbands.' "When wp were firet married," said Mrs. Brown in her turn, with a reflective sigh, "Billy used to kiss me every time the train went through a tunnel." "How deliciouely beautiful !" ecstatically exclaimed one of the young women. "Does he still do it?" "Well, I should cay not!" responded Mrs. Brown, sadly. "Every time we hit 'a tunnel now he takes a drink." Rose had called on her afternoon out to see her friend, Arabella.. Arabella's mistress had just purchased a parrot, and Roso was much interested in the bird. "Birds w shore sensible," she observed. "You kin learn them anything. I uster work for a lady that had a bird in a clock, an' when, it was time to tell de t.ims ob day it ustor come out an' say 'cuckoo' just as many times a« do time wan." "Go along. Yo' doan' say so," said Arabella, incredulously. "Shore thing," replied Rose, "and de mos' wonderful part waf <Ut ii wua «vilT-«-wood«B bird, to»»"