ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIX, Issue 150, 26 June 1915, Page 20

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

A GOOD HAND. If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I'd littlo caro what others sought — That hand I hold lang syne ! That hand! So warm it was and soft! Soft ? Ne'or was so soft a thing ! Ah, me ' I'll hold it ne'er again — Ace, ten, knave, queen, and king 1 A Roptilo Arithmetician.— The adder. A Most Important Qualification for a Young: Author — A small «,ppetite. Guzzler — "I once lived on wa.ter for ten days." Flubdub— "Why didn't you take a fast boat?" Proof — "How do you know that Chaucer dictated to a. stenographer?" "Look at the spelling." Physician — "Do you talk in your sleep?" Patient — "No; I talk in other people's — I'm a. clergyman !" Eugene — "Of course, you understand, dear, that our engagement must be kept secret?" Mary— "Oh, yes, dear. I shall tell everybody thai !" Its Usual Remark. — Master Bilton — ''Pa, what does money say when it talks?" Bilton, Sen. (speaking from personal experience) — "Good-bye." Dramatic Art. — "They say she is splendid in amateur theatricals." "She's a wonder — she can make the most painful tragedy a source of genuine amusement !" Modern Modes. — Marcella — "Her husband says she spends money for unnecessary clothes." WaverJy— "l didn't think the ladies were wearing any at present." The Light that Failed.— "What is the trouble between Van Cleve and his wife? I thought she was the light of his life." "So she was ; but she went out too much." Lawyer — "So you want to make a ease of it?" Client— "Yes. I offered to settle by fair means, an' he wouldn't. So I decided I'd hire a lawyer an' have him took into court !" Beauty in a Beastly Mood. — Doctor — "Do you suffer from morning headaches?" Debutante— "Certainly I suffer. If I enjoyed them as I do a brandy and soda. I certainly shouldn't have consulted you." Ho Had. — "Did you ev&r play cards for money?" '"Yes; but I never got it." Lights Out ! — "My dear, you look sweet enough to kiss!" "That's the way I intended to look, Jack." The traditions of tho drama are secure. They are beginning to throw eggs at mov-ing-pictures. One Way of Seeing it. — She — "What are somo of the world's greatest inventions?" Herself — "My husband's reasons for coming homo late." Rider — "Why didn't you sound your horn when you saw the man in the road ?" Driver — "I thought it would be more humane if he never knew what struck him." Relieving Her Mind.— Mother— "Why, don't you lave some of your candy till to-morrow, dear?" Helen — "I'd rather eat it now. mother ; and get it off my hands." Futurist Painter— "Hero is a portrait of the woman I adore." Frank Friend — "Yes? Then don't show mo the portrait of anybody you hate." What She Would Say.— Bashful Student — "What would you say if I were to throw a kiss at you?" Miss (blushing) — "I'd say you were the laziost fellow I've ever met." Superfluous Information.— While crossing a city street, a farmer happened to see a si^jn — "Cast Iron Sinks." lie looked at it a moment, and thon said — "Any fool knows that!" One Good Reason. — Corpulent Individual — "But you can't give me any reason why I should not enlist." Spouse — "Well, I should miss you, dear, but the Germans couldn't." Nowly Married. — Bilton— "What is the rea«on for Jinks's sudden pseudo-pompous, dignified manner ?" Tilton — "He recently ma.rricd, and he's trying to live up to his wife's opinion of him." Jimpson's Retort. — Sho — "No, Mr. Jimpson, I'm sorry j but I wouldn't marry the best man living." He — "No? Well, at auy rate, you will ha-vo tho satisfaction of knowing that ho offered himself." A Biaf Undertaking. — Miss Sweetthing — "When we aro married we must have no secrets from each other. You must tell me ev&rything." Mr. Sapheddo-^'\But — er — roally, I don't know everything." Self-Abasement. — "Every man should know himself," remarked the parlour philosopher. "Perhaps," said the mere man ; "but in doing so he wastes a lot of time that might bo spent in making moro desirable acquaintances " His Translation. — "I understand, Cuddy hump, that your wife is convalescents" said kindly Mrs. White. "No, mum, if yo' please, and t'anky for do 'terrogation," politely replied the coloured man ; "but 'stickler which she's gittin' better, mum !" Paternal Suggestion. — lr My dear, I think you are- starting that child wrong." "How so?" bristled tho mother. "Instead of all those narratives about littlo princesses who lived in goldon palaces, why don't you include a few stories about littlo girls who helped their mothers with the housework ?" Hter Plan.— Mrs. Youngwed— "Well, dear, I've found a flat, and the cars go right past thte door." Youngwed — "Won't the noise of tho electrics disturb your rest, my love?" Mrs. Youngwed — "Oh, the landlord assured me that I wouldn't mind it after tho first two nights, and you know, dear, we can sleep tho first two nights at mother's." Customer — Waiter, this is the first tender steak I've ever had in your shop. Waiter — My goodness! You must ha\e got tho guvnors. Grocer — Good morning, Mr. Popple. How is tha.t butter I sent you ? Popplo — Better, thank you. It is gaining strength every minute. Rich Undo Ebenozer — So you arc named after me, are you ? Small Nephew — Yes, ma said it was too bad, but we wanted your money badly. Query — Do you believe in vaccination every &even years? Reply — Rather! The operation keeps the girk from playing the piano for nearly a week Ikcy (to owner of the boat, who has gone overboard and sunk for the second time) — Barney, me boy, if you don't come up again, can I havo the boat? Disgusted Diner — You ought not to have killed this fowl. Restaurant Proprietor — Why, eir? Disgusted Diner — You've robbed it of an old-age pension ! Pat — I hear your woife is sick, Moike. Mike — She is Ihot. Pat— ls it dangerous she is? Mike— Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more! Dressmaker (slundmg off and admiring new dress) — What a beautiful fit ! Customer — Yes. and what a beautiful fit my husband will havo when he sees the bill. In the course, of an animated conversation tho journalist, noticintr that the great man's eye-glasses were porchod perilously near the tip of his nose, remarked — "Your glasses, sir, aro almost on your mouth." "That's all right," was tho quick response. "I ua.nt to sen what I'm talking about " She : The waiter is hanging around as (hgii)fli he oxpqofeil somothjog. He I 01), Xesi. he's c. tipiucal waiter.