ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIX, Issue 144, 19 June 1915, Page 16

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

FATE. I never told a maji a joke, Expecting him to roar, But what the bloomin.', blarsted blok* Ha-d heard the thing before. I never mot a pretty girl And in her presence tarried, Whose image set my brain awhirl, But what she wasn't married. I never owned a blooded horso That filled my soul with pride, But he, half-way round tho course, Just lay right down, and died. I never hold a four-lead swing To land mo in first place, But what, the first and foremort thing, Somebody trumped my ace. — Cleveland Plain Dealer. NEW LIGHT Oft OLD PARABLE. Tho following ta,lo was born in a school in Dumfrieshire : — Tho Scripture examination was in progross, and the local parish minister was doing tho quizzing. In tho course of the test tho good man, after having "boxed the compass" of the Old Testament, passed to _ tho New with the encouraging observation: "Now, my dear children, you all know the etory of the good Samaritan !" "Yes, sir," cam© the instant assurance from the "innocents" in front of him. "Well, can you toll me why tho pTiest passed by, on the other side-?" Somewhere in the back bench— as usual — a, grimy fist was shot up, and five little fingers flickered in tho air. "Please, sir," said tho owner, "ho kent the man was robbit already. 1 ' No record was kept of the reverend gentleman's surprise at the unorthodox anawei. * NO PACIFISTS AMONG THEM. Mrs. O'Flahorty and Mrs. Finnerty were ' having a littlo talk, Mrs. O'Flahorty bo- ' longing to the newly-rich. Mrs. Finnerty said to Mrs. O'Flahorty, "Who wore your ancestors?" "Ancestors, what d 1 yo mean?" ' "Whys who did you sphring from?" "I \yud have you know Mrs. Finnerty, tho O Flaherty's sphring from no wan ; they ephring at thorn." PERILS OF PIONEERS. An Alaska settler was telling how crowded a certain ship was during the gold rush. He said one day a man came up to tho captain and announced : "You will have to get mo some place to sleep." 'What's the matter with whero you ye been sleeping?" "Well," explained th© passenger, "I've been sleeping on a sick man, but he's getting better now, and he won't stand for it." A PESSIMIST. Timothy M'Nulty was boss of a section of a suburban railway which included sovoraL tunnels. Tijnothy and his guest, , Barney Mahonoy, a now arrival from Iro- j Jand. were making an inspection of tho ' road. I As they neared one of tho tunnels they Were greeted with the piercing whistle of tho tram, and stepped aside until it had , passed. Barney stood in open-mouthed wonder as the fast train neared, passed, and entered the tunnel «t the rate of fifty ' milos > an hour "Ain't that foino!" said Timothy, as tho last car finally disappeared. "Talk about yer wunderful invintiong ! Whero'll find anythin' ter bate that?" Barney was awestruck, and it was some moments before ho could adequately express his thoughts. "Vis, Timothy, 'tis foine," said he, finally, "but I was jist thinkin' what a terrible thing 'twould bo if dt should miss th' hole !" GETTING IN EARLY. A Scotchman came upon an automobile overturned at a railway crossing. Beside it lay a man badly smashed up. "Get a doctor," ho moaned. "Did. the train hit you?" asked the Scotchman "Yes, yos. Get a doctor." "Has the claim agent .been hor« yet?" "No, no. Please get a doctor." "Move over, you," said th© Scot, "till ' I Ik down beside you." A POSER. The schoolmiitress was instructing heT pupi'& in tho mysteries of etymology, when 6ho had occasion to question a boy pupil with reference to tho word "recuperate. "As an example," said the teaoher, "wo will take the ca6e of your father. He if>, of course, a hard-working man." "Yes'm," assented Charley. "Then," continued the instructor of youth, "it being night, his work being over, and he being tired and worn out, what does he do?" "Thut'a what ma wante to know," said Charley. GULLED. "No," complained the Scottish professor to his students, "ye dinna use your facultios of observation. Ye dinna use them. For instance -" Picking up a jar of chemicals of vile odour he stuck one finger into it and then into his mouth. "Taste it, gentlemen," he commanded, as he passed the vessel from student to student. After each one had licked his finger and had felt rebellion through his whole soul, tho old professor exclaimed triumphantly : "I told ye so. Ye dinna use your faculties. For- if ye had observed, ye would hae seen that tho finger I stuck into the jar was nao tho finger I 6tuok into my mouth." A HOME-MADE RIVER. The following story is said by an American contemporary to emanate from the naval architects of a Scottish shipbuilding firm : — The River Clyde, he is said to have stated to a Yankee friend, has beon brought up to its present depth by means of dredging, and so Scots are very proud of it. Weil, a party of Amenoan sightseers turned up their noses at the Clyde one day. "Call this a river?" they said ."Why, it's a mere ditch in comparison with our Mississippi or St. Lawrence or Delaware." "Aweel, mon,'' said a Scottish bystander, "you've got Providence to thank for your rivers, but we made this oorsels." "Was it a bad accident?" "Well, I was knocked speechless, and my wheel was knocked spokeless." Cholly— l'm afraid that glass of wine has got into my head. Molly — It must bo awfully lonolv. Mrs. Dyer — Can your new cook make fancy dishes? Mrs. Ryer— Not as well as she can break them. .. "Married yet?" "No, but I'm engaged,- and_that's as good as married." "It's better, if you only knew it !" "Somehow you seem to have grown shorter instead of taller since I last saw you." "Well, I'vo married and settled down." Bertie — Uncle, what's the best thing to do when you want to buy a guinea camera and havo only fifteen shillings towards it v "You are to bo executed for your crime," said the Irish judge to tho prisoner at the bar; ','1 trust it will bo a warning to you." The Doctor — You should diet — eat onions; they are the secret of life The Patient — Yes; but how do you keep it a secret? Bcoley — Talk is cheap. Capper — Humph ! That remark shows that you never employed a lawyc- or subscribed for a telephone So Sudden — Young widow : "Mr PreaohIy, will you marry me ?'' Mr. Pronehly : "Well, really, Mrs. Blank, this is po sudden, and — ■" Younir widow : "Oh, well, take your time to think it over Mr. Hawkins and I thought we'd like to have you perform tho oeremony for us,"