ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIX, Issue 132, 5 June 1915, Page 16

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

VICTORIA'S VANITY BOX. Wherever the lovely Victoria goes, She carries a vanity box, Which she opens invariably after a dance And always most carefully locks; By stealing behind her, I ventured to peep O'er her shoulder so pinkily fair, And saw in the scented receptacle all The secrets she guards with such care. A mirror, a vial of costly perfume, A pencil to darken her eyes, A very small silver-topped bottle of rouge, Quite_ frequently _ used, I surmise ; A lipstick of carmine, a hairpin or two, A powder-puff, fluffy and' fine, And a picture— and, oh I forgive her the rest, For the face in the picture was mine. UTILISED ENERGY. A friend of Thomas A. Edison tells a story of the days when the great inventor lived at Menlo Park. A friend from New York, who bad called upon T.A., remarked to him one day: "Your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could > do to get it open. You ought to have it trimmed, or greased. It works too hard." , The great man laughed. "Oh. no," said he, "that wouldn't do at all. "Why not?" "Because everyone who comes through that gate pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof." NO BILLS, PLEASE. The stranger ascended the front steps and rang the door-bell. Little Helen, bix years old, opened the door. "Is your father at home?" the stranger asked. "Tell him his old friend Bill has come to Bee him." "Then papa isn't at home," came the lisping reply, '"cause I heard him tell mamma that if any bill came he was out." HIS FIRST WRECK. Wet weather and the absence of the needful are not conducive to the best of spirits, and Mr. Oldboy was certainly feeling a little grumpy. Trying to find relief for his wrathful temper, ho began on a train official. "You have a beastly lot of wrecks on this line, don't you?" he said. "What do you mean?'" "What I say. Ugly accidents and tha like. "Oh, no, sir," the official drawled out. "To tell you the truth, sir, you're the first wreck I've seen on this lme for 20 years !" TOO LOW ALTOGETHER. , An amusing little oomedy was enacted in one well-Known London club a few days ago. It was discovered that the thermometer in # one of the principal rooms was missing. The next day the following appeared on the club's notice board:— "Will the person who fails to apprehend the significance of the Eighth Commandant return the thermometer taken from room immediately. It will be of no earthly use to him where he is going, as it registers up to 120 degrees only !" ' THE POETRY OF EGGS. Green had been in new lodgings just one week, and had arrived at the conclusion that his tenancy would not be of long duration unless there was a material difference in the quality of the breakfast egg He did not like to tell the landlady point-blank, so he adopted a roundabout method of communioating his opinion on the subject. "Didn't you tell me yon were fond of reading Macaulay, Mrs. Bluff?" he aßked her, as he broke the shell of the "egg. t "It was my lamented's favourite reading, Mr. Green," returned, the widowed lady. "Ah ! Now I understand why yon have your eggs from Italy." "Whatever makes you, think that, sir ? They come from a farm near here." "Really I" exclaimed Green, with a very pronounced sniff. "These eggs remind me forcibly of 'The Lays of Ancient Rome. \j • Hokut.— "Yes; she ia pretty; but she doeen't ttear well." Pokus.— "Rubs off, eh?" He — "Men are descended from monkeys." She— "They haven't descended yet." "Are you familiar with the motives of Bliake's new play?" "Yes; he needed the money." - Friend— "This ia a, nice studio you have. Is the rent high?" Artist— "l don't remember." Stndent (to house-party queen): "Shall we dance or talk?*' Queen— "l'm to tired! Let's dance." Daughter— "What does old-fashioned mean?" • Mother— "Anything that I think ib right and you don't, dear." ' "My husband is just like our furnace," sighed Mrs. Blinks. "All day he smokei, and at night he goes out." Nora— "Why did you accept him the third time he proposed?" Dora—"Because he said it would be the last time." Miss Withons— "Do jou think you could oome anywhere near guessing my age?" He^ — "Not with any degree of safety " Hostess — "People are very dull to-night Adolph. I really can't get them to talk." Host— "Play something, dearest!' Teacher — "Have you ever seen bananas growing?" Archibald— "No, ma'am; I never had time to stand and watch them." "Here's a fellow patents a, contrivance to keorj girls from falling out of hammocks." "More machinery for displacing men." Miss Well Dressed— "What a sweet new gown you have on I" Miss Very Little — "Yes, but hasn't your last year's suit worn well? Inkblotz — "The fuzzy taste in my mouth this morning is something awful." His Wife — "That reminds me. I must have a j new fur coat this winter." ' "All the world loves a lover, you know, said the young man. "You'll find out your mistake whon you speak to father," replied the sweet young thing. Hawker— "Any old rags to-day, sir?" Oldbury — "No, no ; my wife's away in the oountry r* Hawker, rubbing his hand* and smiling— "Any empty bottle* ?" i Rankhi — "Have you never been to Niagara Falls?' Phyle— "Yes; but I want to go again, some day, and see the ecenery The first time I went I waa on my honeymoon." Hostess — "I sometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is anything vainer than you authors about the things you write." Highbrow— "There is, madam; our efforts to sell them." Examining Medical Officer— "Now, sir, tell me how you would treat a oas« of typhoid fever?" Student— "Well, sir, I should first— l should first — I " E.M.Oa, impatiently — "Yes, sir; go on!" Student— "ll should first call you in for a consultation, sk !" Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in even more than his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked by his mother if he would not like to bo a little city boy and always be nice and clean in white suite and chocs and stockings. Tom answered, scornfully, "They're not children; they're pets. Sandy Maclvor was "no' juist feelin' weal," so he went to the doctor "What do you drink?" demanded the medico. "Whisky." "How much?" "Mayb© a bottle a day " "Do you smoke?" "Yee." "Well, you give up whisky and tobacco altogether." Sandy took up bis cap, and in three stop reached the door. "Hero !" called tho doctor, "you haye > not paid for my advice." "Ahm no' takin' it!" snapped Sandy as lie Bhufc. £he door behind