ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIX, Issue 55, 6 March 1915, Page 11

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Magistrate-^Can'fc this case be settled out of court T Mulligan— Shu re. That's phat we wu« thrym to do, yer honour, whin the polis interfered.— Brooklyn Life. . The portly lady had taken accidentally a fear seat in the car reserved lot smokers. With unconcealed indignation she saw the man beside her fill his pipe. "Sir,", finally oame in frigid tones," "smoking always makes me siok." "Do it now, ma'am?" said the fiayvy as he proceeded to smoke his evil-smelling pipe. "Then take my advice an' chuck it." Pat had been engaged to take a trunk across the lake. He placed the trunk in the bow of the boat, with the result that the boat tipped forward. "What are you rowing with that trunk in the bow of the boat for, Pat?" asked a friend. "Sure, an' if it was in the stern wouldn't I be rowin' uphill all the time? An' this way I'm rowin' downhill all the time," he announced. "Tommy," said the Sunday school teacher, who had been giving a lesson on the Baptismal Covenant, "can you tell the two things necessary to baptism?" "Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby." — Western Mail. Pat — Vis,_ Borr, wur-rk is scarce, but Ooi got' a job last Sunday that brought me foive dollars. Mr. Goodman — What— you broke the Sabbath? P,at (apologetic* ally)— Well, sorr, 'twas wan ay us had t' be broke. — Judge. The number of automobile accidents due to carelessness Or incompetent driving causes a great many people to talk like old Cornelius Husk. His little grandson said to him one day, pointing to the horn of an automobile that had halted for repairs: "What's that there thing for, grandpop?" "That, eonny," the grandfather answered bitterly, "that is thb durn thing they toot afore they run ye down." A minister one day got into conversation with aji' Irish soldier who happened to be stationed in Liverpool, and of whom he asked several _ questions as to what regiment ho was in, and so j forth. Ultimately Pat thought it was his time to ask a few questions. "Now," said he, "I'd like to know what you are?" "I'm a soldier, too," said the minister. "And what regiment are you in, and where is it stationed ?" The minister, pointing towards the sky, 6aid : "My regiment is in heaven." "Oh, mart," replied Pat, "shure ye're a long way from the barracks." "By the aid of electricity, it says* here, 6000 photographs can be got out per second." "Well, this Ought to be fast enough to satisfy average stage beauty."— Florida Times-Union. THE DIFFERENCE. Marks— What is the difference between lunch and luncheon? Parks— Well, my idea is that "lunoh" is masculine and "luncheon" is feminine. — Bofctoa Transcript. Kate Douglas Wiggin's choicest possession, sho says, is a letter which sho once received from the superintendent of a home for the feeble-minded. He spoke in glowing terms of the pleasure with which tho "inmates" had read her little book, "Mann Lisa," and ended thus superbly : "In (act, madam, I think I may safely say that you aro favourite author of the feebleminded ("—Woman's Home Companion. Mr 9. Exe— "Can't afford to let me go to the seashore. Why not? My board there wouldn't cost much more than it does here." Exe— "l admit that, my love; but think of all rhe money I'd have to spend entertaining myself in your absence." "Why does Jinx hate _ you so vindictively?" "Because I did just exactly what he asked me to do." "What in tho world could that have been?" "He told me to be honest with him and tell him just what his faults were, and I did."