ALLEGED HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume LXXXVII, Issue 56, 7 March 1914, Page 13

ALLEGED HUMOUR

THE ANSWER. The suffragette stood grim and firm, The crowd around haranguing ; And masculinity came in For nothing but a whanging. "I want," she cried, "the wages of A man. That's all I'm osking." As out the door a heartless wretch Who d in her light been basking. Went forth, hespent his Parthian shaft; " Tis well with us you've tarried, Your wish I have the answer for— Dear lady, just get married." Livingston Lance. THE SOUL KISS. She sent me a kiss by telephone ; That's all very well for a start j But I don't think much of a kiss, myself, With lips so far apart. v v » *>t -Hugh Morist. New York Life. GOLF AND MUSIC. (The 'winner of the contralto prize at tho GuildhaH School of Musio attributed her success to golf.— Daily Mail). When strains from J»uccini are whistled by caddies, n The muscular maid and the masculine minx Must hie them in tears to compassionate Daddies, For musical maidens have captured links. Perohanco you may find ono improving her putting And trilling oh C in a tremulous shriek, Or warbling a trifle by Lambert or Nutting Whilst trying for "distance" with brassie and cleek 1 Full oft you, may hear her arpeggios sweeping Like songs of a thrush from a thicket of trees, For even when bunkered, be sure she is keeping Her temper and tempo with consummate ease 1 And, free from the fetter-like vapoui'3 that shackle The wan neurasthenic who raves of her . Art, The girl who can handle a niblic will tackle Debussy and Strauss with resolute heart ! Ye embryo Melbas, intent on "arriving," Be sure that our "stars" are robust as they're keen; If- you build up your strength with "approaching" and "driving," You won t lose your nerve when you get on the green." T„ . ... —Arthur Stanley. London Opinion. SCOTTISH ORTHOEPY, The action at law came up in London. The lawyer wa* Scotch and the Judge was English. The case in argument concerned certain water rights, and the lawyer had frequently to use the word "water," which he pronounced very broad. "Mr. Maopherson," at last interrupted the Judge, do you spell water with two t's id your country?" "Na, na. my lord," quickly retorted the lawyer, "but "we spell manners wr twa n's!" SUPERLATIVELY BAD. t A well-known composer, now in the full' vigour of his established reputation, was at one time, when; he was comparatively unknown, engaged in writing the musio for a production fathered by two managers who knew exactly what they wanted, in addition to knowing next to nothing of the musical classics. After having burned much midnight oil and worked himself into a state of semicollap6o ma vain endeavour to produce a finale which would please them, the composer ftore up page after page of rejocted manuscript, and in despair took to tho theatre an entire Eection of "Faust" t-6 which he had somehow managed to fit the words assigned to him. Ho played the classic music over^ and one of tho managers said quite feelingly: "Well, Gus, the others wore pretty bad, but thiß one is tho rottenesfc of them all." NO MERCENARY' LOVER. "Sir," said the young man with much respect, "I know that you are a millionaire, and that I am poor. It seems presumptious in me to asnire to *lie hand of your daughter. But 1 have thought the matter out, and with some diffidence I have resolved to make my request. Love, sir, is not bound by sordid considerations or by more social convenience I have a very real attachment for your daughter, and I pray that you will put no obstacle in tbe way of our early marriage.'V The old man seemed interested in the young fellow, and inclined to listen. "Quite so," said he. "As you Know, 1 amo not in the habit of sticking at trifle?, providing the main purpose is straight. But which of my girls do you want? Tho yountf man breathed a sigh of relief, and courteously replied : "Oh, I'll leave that to you, sir;"— Pall Mall Gazette. 1 IN THE RING. A young Irishman was sent by h'w backers to a neighbouring city to box with an athlete living there. He was getting the worefc of it, as his friends soon realised. "Come, brace up, Jim," cautioned ons of his friends. "Stop moro of his blows." "Stop thim !" the unfortunate Jim cried. "Do ye see army ay thim gettin' by me?" PRICE OF" HUSBANDS. Some time ago a London man was awakened in the night to find his wife weeping uncontrollably. "My darling 1" he exclaimed, "what is tho matter ?" I'A dream !" she gasped. "I have had such a horrible dream 1" _Her husband begged her to tell it to him, in order that Tie might comfort her. After a long persuasion she was induced to say this: "I thought I was walking down tho street and I came to a warehouse, whero there was a large placard, 'Ilu6bands for Sale.' You could get beautiful ones for £1500, or oven £1200, and very nice-look ing ones as low as a hundred. Tho husband asked innocently ! "Did you see any like me?" The sobs became strangling. "Dozens of them," gasped the wife, "dono up in bunches like asparagus, and sold for 10 shillings a bunch. TERRORS OP HELL. Cahon Hannay maintains that nowadyaa tho most dramatic sermons are preached in Ireland (says tho Daily Chronicle). A friend of his heard a preacher in a Connaught village expatiating on the terrors of hell. * "The lion will roar at yez." he told the congregation. "The owls will hoot at yez. The earpints will hiw at yez, and tho hyenas will ■• laugh yez to scorn." Bridegroom— "Didn't I look like a fool when I wa,s at the altar rail?" Best Man — "No ; but anyone could see that you were" not yourself." The man who is ashamed of his grandfather's business has bo business to have had a grandfather. "Oh! Ethel, why don't you use your finger bowl?" "What's tho use o' wasting this good jam, mother, when I can lick my fingers?" "Uncle, wo want you to give the bride sway." "Very well. I'll atioiinco to the gathered assembly that she's thirty 'two. " Sunday School Teacher-- "Why was Daniel forced to cntel the lion* den?" Bright Pupil— "Why. he'd 'a' spoilt a whole film if he didn't 1" Conductor (of motor 'bus oh the aivenuc) "Passengers, all out. We've punctured a tire." Old Gentleman— "By Jove I It's as bad as riding in your own car," Irate Motorist to farmer— "What d'you mean by making me slack up? You needn't get funky about an old horse liko that shying." "Maybe, but he's » bit thftky on the legs, and I had to think of $b.e draught"