ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIV, Issue 138, 7 December 1912, Page 15

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

REQUIESCAT. Johnny, in his restless roving, Found a pot of liquid glue; John, the maple syrup loving, Thought the glue was pyrup, too, J. no longer now is roving — He is stuck upon the glue. IN NEW YORK. Hank E. Noodle came to town With whiskers odd and funny. A hold-up man he knocked him down And ran off with his money. He called a cop and bade him stop The raokless spoliator. "Oh, there's no hurry," said the cop, "I'll get my divvy later." "But what'll I, Hank Noodle, do? And what'll- 1 tell Mandy?" "Tell her to come" to the city, too; Her money'll come in handy !" —Walter G. Doty. Puck. THE IRISHMAN 'AGAIN. , In Dublin a car driver wa« caught by a zealous policeman in the act of driving furiously. The policeman stopped him and said, "Ye must give me yer name." "But I won't give ye me name," said the driver. "Yell get yersilf into trouble," said the policeman, "if ye don't give me yer name." "I won't give ye me name,'' said the driver. ' "Phat is yer name, now ?" asked the angry policeman. "Ye'd better find out," said the driver. "Sure and, I will," said the policeman. He went round to the side of the car where the name ought to have been painted, but the letters had been rubbed off. "Aha !" said the policeman, "now yell get yersilf into worse disgrace than ever. Yer name appears to be obliterated." "Ye're wrong I" roared the driver. "'Tie O'Brien!" PROGRESSIVE SYMPATHY. One of the American meat kings is widely famed for the quantity and quality of his sympathy. "Don't you sympathise with the people who are complaining about the high cost of living?" a, stranger once asked. "I do," the multimillionaire replied sardonically. "I sympathise with tho people you mention most profoundly, and if things go on as I expect, in three or four months' time I hope to sympathise with them twice as much." LIMITS TO KINGLY POWER. James the First, being requested by his old nurse to make her son. "a gentleman," answered emphatically : "I'll mak' him a baronet gin ye like, luckie, but the de'il himsel' couldna' mak' him a gentleman.'' James the First was the first to create baronets (1611)., He it was, also, who said of the wives of his law lords : "I can make the carls lords, but I canna' make the carlines ladies." A SMILE TRAGEDY. The new vicar was paying a visit among the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward 2 he came across a palelooking young man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, ho remarked in cheering tones : "Never mind, my man ! you'll coon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's the way in this world." "I'll never emile again," replied the youth sadly, x "Rubbiehl" ejaculated the vicar, "There ain't no rubbish about it," exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's through smiling at another fellow's girl that I'm hero now." It was Sunday afternoon, and the curate, calling ' unexpectedly to visit a member of his flock, found him out— in two senses. Tho gentleman's young son came to the door and announced his father's absence. "He's gone to the golf club, 1 ' said he, casually,' and then, reading perhaps some shade of disapproval in the parson's eyes, he extenuated thus: "He's not gone to play golf, you know, not on a Sunday; only 'to drink beer and have a game of cards." Having thus cleared his father's character, he shut the door on the dumbfounded cleric. A youth of about 18 wae walking along the promenade leading to the pier, when all of a sudden he slipped and fell into the water, and, finding he couldn't swim, he shouted at the top of his voice, "Help, help ! I can't swim !" An old gentleman standing close by remarked, "Now's your time to learn, young fellow. "Has his family got a skeleton in its closet ? "I don't know about what they've got in the closet, but they've got one in a hobble skirt." Teacher— Now, Teddy, is. "Jerusalem" a proper noun or a common noun ? Teddy — "Taint neither. It's an ejaculation, mum. Claude— They say Miss Justine is going into a convent for life. Jack — Yes ; she has promised to be a sister to bo many of us that she is going to adopt it as a profession. Heckler (to' orator)— Hi ! guvnor, do you support early closing? Orator— Certainly I do, my friend. -- x Heckler— Then shut up. Sillicus — A woman never knows what she wants. Cynicus— Oh, yes, she doe 3; but not till she realises she cah't get it. Little Boy (to gardener) — Jones, why do you always pull your barrow behind you, instead of pushing ? Jones^ — 'Cos I 'ates the sight of the beastly thing. "If I were you I wouldn't be a fool," said one man, to another, with whom he had been having a heated discussion. "True," replied the other, calmly. "The unfortunate part of it is that you are yourself." Smart, meeting Slack at the Post Office the other day, remarked : » "So poor old Stamps, the postman, has got the sack." Slack — What on earth for? Smart — For carrying letters. Lady — I didn't x know your little boy wore glasses, Mr.«. Smith ! Mrs. Smith — Well, yer sea, miss, they belonged to 'is pore farver, and I thought it was a pity to waste 'em. "He invented a dandy story to tell his wife when he got home after midnight." "Good one, was it V "A poach ;it would satisfy any woman." "Did it satisfy her?" "It would' ve., bul he couldn't tell it." Yankee (boasting of American heat)— It's so hot, it burns the wings off the flies. Pat— That's nothing to Ireland. We have to feed hens on ice-cream to keep them from laying boiled eggs." Mrs. Muggins — Your husband dresses rather quietly, doesn't he? Mrs. Buggins— You wouldn't think so if you could hear him when he can't find his collar stud. The local bigwig's presence in the chair at an entertainment was desired, and two of the organisers waited upon him with a deferential request. The required promise was duly obtained. J "You onn rely upoc me,'' said the big man. "Friday, tho 25th, in the anteroom. It's quite an unscctarian affair, I suppose?" "Bless your heart, sir," came the reply, "the placo was only lime-washed labt week. You won't tind nothin' of the kind on the piemises." He— Does you father object to my staying so late? She— No; he say* it serves me right for Vt*i*iw in when vrtil mII.