ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 23, 27 January 1912, Page 13

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

* YANKEE BEERS. Miss "Pabefc" co fair, "Blue Ribbon" in hair, Fell into a "Buech of Anhaeuser," She tore "Schlits" in her dress, Which caused Her distress. She returned "Extra Pale, "Budwei6er." THE WILLOW-PATTERN PLATE Betty in the kitchen broke a willow-pat-tern plate. I spoke to her. severely, but I Spoke a moment' late To save' those little people from a very dreadful fate Whose fortune's told in blue upon the will6w-patfcern plate. Two blue little people come running, together, Across a blue bridge, in the sunshiny weather, They run from a garden, where, stands a blue tree -^ Above the blue house of a wealthy Chinee. The one i» a maiden, * the other her lover — A blue weeping willow hangs half the bridge over. Behind, in pursuit, comes papa, with a whip, But they're over the bridge, and aboard the blue ship That her lover has moored by the strand of the sea — With a shove off the shore, from hii wrath they are free. Now deep in the water the oars they Are plying, While high in the heaven the blue doves are flying. To his blue island home her lover will waft her, And there they will happily live ever after. This is the story of the willow-pattern plate, So please be very careful— though it's only one and eight — And remember that you have in hand a very precious freight When you carry from the kitchen a wil-low-pattern plate. — Horace Hutchinson. Westminster Gazette. \ THE FAMILY TREE. A brand-new family tree adorns The home of Croesu« Pickles; With tales of titled ancestors His fawning friend^ he tickles. To all the world that tree proclaims -Descent from lord and lady, Betwixt the branches and the ground . Of course it's rather shady. 1 —-Josephine Coan. Smart Set. ' . j DAUGHTER LAUGHTER. With increasing' amusement he laughed Because of his daughter's wild laughter; He said: "Though I ieem tobedaughted, I'm sure that my daughter is daughter." New York Lite. A REFORMED NEGRO. A shiftless coloured boy in Alabama, after being caught in a number of petty delinquencies, was at last sentenced to a 6liort.term in the penitentiary, where he was set to learn a trade. On the day of his return home he met a friendly white acquaintance, who, asked: "Well, what did they put you at in the prison, 'Rastus?" "Dey started in to make an honest boy out'n me,, sab." "That's good, 'Rastut. , I hope they succeeded." "Dey did, sah." "And how did . they teach you to be honest?" "Dey - put me in de shoe shop, eah, nailin' pasteboard, soles onto de shoes, sah." THE G.O.M.'S HARD HAND. Mr. Gladstone is said to have -found the Inverness cape in which he made his Midlothian campaign of immense assistance, and nob only in keeping off the cold. Once, at a railway station, he stood at the carriage door, ostensibly shaking hands Nvith his admirers. But the hands of the G.O.M. were snugly hidden beneath the cape, while an obliging porter knelt behind and thrust out his hand to the Gladstonian worshippers. "A hard hand has Gladstone," said one of them, as_ he walked away, and his companion replied, "Ay, and did ye notice his nails?" THE RULING PASSION. At a funeral in Glasgow a stranger had taken his seat in one of the mourning carriages, clad in decent black. Hie presence excited the curiosity of the other three occupants, one of whom presently could stand it no longer, and thus addressed him : "Yell be a brither o' the oorp?" "Nol" replied the gloomy etranger; I'm no a brither o' the oorp 1" "Weel, • then," pursued tho curious mourner, "yell be his cousin?" "No, I'm no that!" was the still tantalising reply. "No?"' went on the insatiate queerent; "then yell be a freend o' the oorp?" "No that either !" admitted the 6tranger. "To tell tho truth, I've no been that weel mysel', and ac my doctor has ordered me some carriage exercise, I thocht this wad be the cheapest way to tak 1 it !" HIS ONLY BUSINESS. A barrister, cross-examining a witness who had a very red nose, asked : "Are you addjoted to drink?" The witness indignantly replied : "That is my business." "Ah!" said tho barrister, "is it your only business?" "Could you lemme look in yo 1 dictionary a minute, kuhnel?" asked Mr. Coopal. "Jest want t' find a couple of words to add to mah lodge-office title what Ah was elected to last night. They dun chose me Grand High Most Worthy Exalted Imperial Plenipotentiary, but it strikes me dat sounds jes' a little bit cheap 1" "How about this fare?" demanded the etranger in New York. "I haven't overcharged you, eir," deI clared the cabman . "I know you haven't, and why haven't you ? What sort of a deep game are you up to? Answer me, now. ' Mrs. de Mover-;-Good gracious! This is the noisiest neighbourhood I ever got into. Just hear those children screeohl Maid— They're ' your own children, mum. # Mrs. de Mover— Are they ? How the little darlings, are enjoying themselves? Willie— They s*y Dobbler hw sold hi« painting, "The Retreat from. Bull Run," that he has been trying 'to sell 'for years. How did he manage it? ' Gillis — Easily. Simply changed the title to "Automobolists Returning Home." "Anything going on this evening?" "Yes; there's to be a performance at the Athletic Gardens. A fellow will undertake to subdue an automobile that h»s & record of having killed six men. He's to do it in one hour or forfeit & thousand dollars. " King Firefly (with much feeling) — I once loved a woman — but alas, she marriedBaron Rubberneck (sympathetically) — Whom did she matry? King Firefly (in a deep tone of manly grief)--Sho married me. "Poor Jane is in despair." "What's the matter with Jane?" "Why, 6he has juet begun to .realise that she\'s too fat for an actro&e, and not fat enough for a prima donna." _ "The postal v banks ire great institutions," said the prudent man. "I don't see that they're any great improvement," said the improvident person. "They're Ekrder to borrow money from than the other kind." Farmer (to horse dealer) — No; I don'tbear ye no malice. I only 'ope when you're chased by & ea£k of raviihiir 'uogry wolvei I you'll bi ft'driri&g th§t '.oria you cold ttt (