ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXII, Issue 25, 29 July 1911, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

MODESTY. My appendix is carefully bottled— The third on the right, that's the one I It's growing, you see, a bit, mottled, Exposed to the rays of tho sun. I keep it out there for inspection, -Since otherwise people might doubt it. It gives me elation and makes conversation-— But I try to be modest about it. One lobe of my brain is in spiritsIt's yonder upon the top shelf-— 'Twas cut out by Dr. M. Tirritts, And stands there a part of myself. I show it to all of tny callers— I'd be much embarrassed without it, A fine illustration, it makes conversation— But I try to be modest about it. —William Wallace Whitelock, Lippincott's Magazine. HOW DOTH THE BUSY LITTLE GIRL. How doth the busy little girl, Improve each passing hour, By chewing slabs of tum-gum, With all her jawful power, How cunningly she wads it up, How quickly, turns it o'er; Shifts it from port to starboard, then She chews it more and more Who taught the little girl the. way To work her busy chin? Who showed her how to twist her jaws, Such weird grimaces in? Who taught her deft prehensile tongueThe lasso's work to do? To corral the elusive gum, Ahd chew, and chaw, and chew? Ah me, she learned the art at school, Matriculation day, A wu h ? d x ! ?' fc le * rned » great deal more, What time she came away. Then let tis all, with heart and will, ! Keep gum on hand to chew, And find some occupation still For idle jaws to do. i The Argonaut. ert * Burdett6 ' TOO BUSY WITH THE TURNIPS. Andrew Wilson, t an attorney, was named as the administrator of a New York estate^ It was hie duty to find the lucky but missing brother. "He was slicing turnips for the- sheep on his employ JW.IP a ? non f the jnist-clad hills of Scotland," said Mr. Wilson, "when I found him. 1, had .traced hi 8 life from the old fartn on which he- was born, atep by step through forty years of ill-paid and often most unpleasant labour, before K^T^iJTY lfc . Was h . ot difficult, for he nad held but a few positions in al those years. Every one in the countryside knew him. ■ J "Are you Alexander St&phenson?" I &fiK6u< "I am," said he, without taking his ' eyes from the turnips and the knife; „ T°, ur b .^°*. het James is' dead in New York," said I. : "Aweel, aweel, all men must c'en die," he said, slicing away. "He left you a great, fortune,'? Baid I. 1 want you to come to the house with me, co that I can establish your identity and arrange for you to enter infco possession of the estate." "I'll tak to ye at eax o'clock, young men," said he. "I'll be busy till then! Thay fortune will keep, but thay turnips .The Wife r After all, Adolphus, this visit isn't goihg to be so expensive. With the half-dozen dresses I simply had to get and your clothes cleaned ahd pressed, we'll manage splendidly. i' B « BU » w rs? er & an \t ? '\ the W^ exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am I— in heaven?" •« • d<^ f ' cooed his Wlfe i "I ani etill with you."Kalem— 'Duler seems to be looked upon as the, most famous man in your town s what, is the reason ? Sihg— He was the first inhabitant to mortgage his home to buy ah airship. "What was the. cause of that awful language I heard in your back yard yestarday?" asked the neighbour. "Thab was pa doing hia intensified gardening," replied the yoUbg maiden. Gerald— -My dog knows a« much as I do. Geraldihe—Why don't you get an intelligent dog? Harduppe— l admit I would do anything for money. Wigwag— Well, you can't do me for any. Casey-^Phwat kind ay a horte is a cob?- , Mulligan—lt's wan thot'a been raised mtirely on corn, ye ignoramus. "My husband has a terrible case of grip." "What are you doing lor him?" "Nothihg. He has hia life insured for 60,000d01. "What? You're engaged to Mr. Brown? Then you won't marry Mr. Jones, after all?" "No, not after all. But, perhaps, after Mr. Brown." Alice— l like Tom immensely, and he's very much the gentleman, but he does like to talk about himself ! Grace— Yes, dear, your knight hath ft thousand Is. Tutter— Ah, Miss Pinkerly, -you can't imagine the temptations that a young man has in a largo city. Take drinking, for instance. When your best friend comes up, slaps you on the back, and sayss "Old man, what'll you have?" I tell you it's hard to resist. No less than Beven fellows have asked me that question today. Miss Pinkerly (admiringly)— And I can vouch for it, Mr. Ttitter, that your answer was always the same. Tutter .(emphatically)— -It was, "When you saw that beastly cow, why didn't you drive her out of my garden?'' "Well you see, sir, your garden was in the cow."