ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXI, Issue 112, 13 May 1911, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

j HIS LAST APPEARANCE. | A cannibalking met a thespian la the wilds of Timbuctoo; He invited "inside that actor man In tho way that cannibals do. "A capital roast," remarked a guest. "Don't you think bo, your majesty?" The king's reply was this ghastly jest :, "He was good in parts," said he. Boston Transcript. THE TERROR AND THE TENDERFOOT. It was out in Oklahoma that I saw Comanche Bob; He had made himself a terror, having ably done the job; When it happened that a stranger set a foot on Robert's rang© Things invariably happened to the pe»son who was strange; He had killed three men in Texas, terrified New Mexico, And amused himself by shooting up a dozen towns or co. It was out in Oklahoma that a tenderfoot, one duy, Innocent of evil motives, chanced to get in Robert'e way ; Oh, I never shall forgot it; I was filled with sudde^ dread, And I could not think" of telling you the things the terror said ; With a roar that any lion might have well been proud to roar He proposed to leave that stranger not a feature that he wore. As I think of it I tremble, even after all these years; There was lack of woman's nursing, there was dearth of woman's tears ; It was out in Oklahoma, as I'vo previously said, That Copianche Bob the terroi made himself a thing to dread, And I grieve to have to mention that the stranger ran, because He was not a college athlete, us you've doubtless thought he was. — S. jS. Kiser. Chicago Record-Herald. SHE WANTED AN INJUNCTION. A big negress came before a Virginia judge the other day, seeking redress for domestio troubles. "I's a "wronged woman," she declared in a give-me-back-my-child-you-yillain tone, "an* I wants redress fru dis yere cot." "Tell me about your trouble," eaid the kind-hearted judge. "It's about mah ol© mun. He's done been ca'yin' on plumb hcannalous wif a lot of deese yeh young niggah gals, an' it's got so ba'ad twill I don' see him no inoah'n ouce a week. Sompin's gottah be did !" "H'h ! I 6ee," said the judge. "You are seeking & divorce— a legal separation — is that it?" "Go 'long, ini»n! Divq'ce nothin' ! Think Ib gwine t' gib him what he wants, and 'low dat man who, 'spite all his cussedness, is de han'somest niggah in Coon Tree Holler, t' go skyhootin* 'roun' 'mong dem little yaller gals? N', stth ! I doan' want no divo'ce, n'r dat legal sepitution you'all's talkin' about. N\ sah, jedge; what I want is an injunction." HIS- MOTTO.' "You go around borrowing money, and yet you Beem to be prosperous." "I am." "How do you manage it?" "My motto is, 'Always put off till tomorrow those you have done to-day.' " A CLAIM TO DISTINCTION. Sheridan was once, asked by a gentleman, 'tHow it it that your name has not an 0 prefixed to it? Your family its Irish, and no doubt illustrious." "No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an 0 than ours ; for, in truth, we owe everybody." A NICE DISTINCTION. Ned Shutter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned : "A hole," said he, "may be the accident of a. day, and will pass upon the best gentleman ; but a darn is premeditated poverty." A parson was reading the Scriptures to an old sailor. ."And Solomon," he said, "had 700 wives and 300 concubinos." "Dear, dear!" gasped tho old salt, "what privileges them early Christians did have, to ba sure, sir." Scientists _ are curious husbands. Once Mrs. Agasaiz screamed on finding a snake in her shoe in the morning. Her husband asked what was tho matter. "Why, a littlo snake has just crawled out of my 'boot." "Only one If There should have been three." He had put them thero to keep warm. "I never worry or hurry." "What department of the Government service are you in?" "I'm afraid your wife will loae her voice." "I wish I could share your fears, doctor." "Do you know what a crisis is?"— "Yes; a telephone call to go to the theatre, and nobody home to button up your dress." "Is there anything you can do better than anyone else?" "Yes," replied the email boy. "I kin read my own writing." She: "How do you like my- new dress?" He: "It reminds mo of a popular theatre." She: "What do you mean?" He: "Standing room only." Ella: "I'm to bo married to-morrow, and I'm terribly nervous." Stella: "Yea, I suppose there is always tho chance of tho man getting away at tho last minute." "I made five hearts glad to-day," said the minister. "I married two couples before noon." "That's only four. Where's the fifth happy heart?" asked Eho parishioner. "You don't suppose I married them for nothing, do you?" Masher (as pretty girl descends from tram car): Aw — or — may I—c1 — cr — help you — aw — to -alight? The Pretty Girl: No, thank you; I don't smoke. Policeman: Do you have to take care of the dog? Nurso Girl: No; the missus says I'm too young and inexperienced. I only look a.fter the children. "For tuppence," cried the policeman, angrily, "I'd run you in." "Good thing you said two," replied the bad man, coolly, "foi^ one copper wouldn't bo sufficiont." "You young soamp! I've caught you emoking my cigars !" "Yes, ppca — cr — cr — you sec, 1 heard ma say that you were smokin' yoiu'self to death, and — or — I'm tryin' to save your life!" Prima Donna: I have here a certificate from a doctor to the effect that I can't sing to-night. Manager: Why go to all that trouble? I'll give you a certificate that you never could sing! "Tho time will como," cried the Socialist oxator, "wher^the labouring man will havo tho wealthy under his feet. And what will happen then?" "He'll bo walking 1 on his uppers," camo & voice from the crowd. Family Physician (to very cadaverous patient): Il'ml D)3trcss in your stomach and a pain in your back, oh? \vell, I'll fix you. up with a plaster, and you can clap on either in front or behind. Tho two pains are so near togothcr that ono plaster will do for both. Prisoner at the Bar — Now, I nsk yer, gents of the jury, if I'd got away with till that swag, like they say I did f d' yer s'po«e I'd have hired this here little fif-teen-dollar lawyer t' defond me? She— So you are sure Unit your now play will be a success. He— Positive; ■why, even the mauigei; kAy*ked «hsu he read iU