ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXI, Issue 83, 8 April 1911, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

CACTUS CENTER'S JINGO. A feller blowed among us, from across _ the Texas way, Ho claimed to be a cowboy, but war talk was his lay ; He'd harp upon the chances of a big war with Japan Till he had us plannin' battles and enlistin' to a man. He sure was most oonvincin' when upon his special line; He had the_ strength of navies and the fightin' unite fine; We clean forgot our poker, and the run \of drinks was light, When we sat around and listened to this jingo talkin' fight. But the stranger got to fussin' with old Chinee Jim one day. And the Oriental Blapped him, and just took his gun away. Whereupon Bear Hawkins murmurs: "Boys, I sure am plum surprised That this imitation Hobsou ever got us hypnotised." So we organised a Peace Club, and we all swore to the pact, And to shoot the jingo's bootheels waa our first official act;; And he faded o'er the castus in the fallin'jmades of night, And we know the joy of livin' now that no one's talkin' fight. — Arthur Chapman, in Denver Republican. MODERN DISCIPLINE. Jimmy ia an awful boy, He's full of sinful tricks; I really don't know what to do His moral self to fix. I've had his adenoids cut out, His tonsils are gone, too, • His 'pendix vermiform'e retnoved— Now what can I do? I've tried a dozen breakfast foods, But sad as it may be, They do not work — I'll have to do What father did to me. Milwaukee News. ~ITT COUNTRY WIT. Native to Cornwall he went to London and was gazing into a shop window and obstructed the footpath. A cockney stumbled against him, and seeing that he was from the country, said to him: "My man, have you seen a wagon load of monkeys pass down the street?" ""No,"o — o," Cousin Jack replied; "faaled out of the wagon, ded'ee?" THE WHY AND WHEREFORE. A young attorney not noted for his brilliancy recently appeared in court to ask for an extra allowance in an action which he was so fortunate as to have been retained in. The court not discovering anything unusual, 'complicated, or extraordinary about the litigation, enquired of the young man: "What is there about this case that to you seems extraordinary?" "That I got it," blandly and innocently replied the youthful aspirant for fees. THE PENALTY. On bis visit to America, Father Vaughan 61 London was asked: "Would you give votes to women?" "I would make no difficulty about giving votes to women," he answered. "But you understand," he added with twinkling eye, "once you give votes to women the- Suffragettes will be wanting them also." LATEST GOLF STORY. They were out together in the early morning and had the golf links to Ihemselvos. A curious pair — a portly city merohant new to the garho, with an immense idea of his own skill and importance, and his caddie, a typical street gamin, small, but sharp as a needle. The desperate efforts of his employei" to make a record drive caused the caddie some amusement, mingled with pity and contempt, yet he held his _ peace. At last, however, after the novice had ploughed up the turf around the ball without moving it, the gamin blurted out: "Guv-nor, if I'd known you was coming to dig for worms I'd ha' brought a spade. .We'd ha' done it quicker." HER THOUGHTFULNESS. After weeks of waiting and longing toe the sport, rode, reels, gaff, creel — everything was in readiness for a week's troutfishing. The young wife, smiling joyously, hurried into the room, extending towards her husband some sticky, speckled papers. "For goodness sake !" he exclaimed, "what on earth are you doing with those old flypapers?" "I saved them for you from last summer," she answered. "You know you, said you always had to buy flies when you went fishing!" "Why don't you try to make yourself one of the intellectual ceiebrities of your time?" "What's the use?" answered the . bright but indolent young man; 'the firm whose patent food I have been eating would come along and want all the credit." "What is your idea of a heroine, John?" asked the wife of his bosom, as she looked up from the novel she was reading. "A heroine, my dear," answered John, "is a woman who could talk back, but doesn't." Miss Chatterton (on Atlantic liner)— What will you do when women invade your field? Wireless Operator (smilingly) — They'd never be successful at the business. Miss Chatterton— lndeed ! And why pray? Wireless OperatorThink of the time they'd waste reading messages not intended ior them ! An old lady, who had been leaning over the rail to watch the passengers as they came up the gangway, suddenly approached the captain. "Please tell me, sir," she asked timidly, "what time the boat starts." "It starts, madam, when I give the word," was the haughty reply. "Oh, indeed. I though it started when the engineer pulled the lever. Thank you very much."Mrs. Highupp— Your husband has changed so that I didn't recognise him. Mrs. Blase— lt isn't that. I've changed husbands. She (as thes lights suddenly wont out in the crowded car)— Oh, George! You shouldn't kiss me hero! George— But— but I didn't. (( "But why do you cry «o, Frau Maier?" "The sight^of Vesuvius reminds me so of my poor dear Henry; he, too, was always smoking. Weary Walter— l lost 'arf a crown yesterday. Tired Timotheus— Did y' 'aye a 'ole in yer pooket? Weary Walter— No; the bloke wot dropped it heard it fall. "I flatter myself I've made a hit with this song. Er, by the way, who was the gentleman that was moved to tears and went out?" "That was the composer." "They tell me," said the fair widow, "that you are a student of human nature?" "Yes," admitted tho old bachelor, "and I have learned a few things about women also." "Your wife has received some sudden shock. What has happened?" "I don't know, doctor. I came homo early last night-;—" "Ah, that presumably accounts for it." ' "In three months from now," said the man, cheerfully, "I expect to own my own home." "How long," enquired his cynical friend, "is your wife expecting to be away?" i "Were you nervous when you proposed to your wife?" asked the sentimental person. "No," replied Mr. Meekton, "but if I could have foreseen the next ten years I would have been." Feminine Voter (at a meeting) — I'm not prejudiced at all. I'm going with a perfectly open and unbiased mind to listen to what I'm convinced is pure rubbish ! "What is your boy learning at college?" "I don't know. I can only t«tt *ftu. xbafe h» its ate4jiaf f '!> ]