ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXX, Issue 62, 10 September 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

IN CASE OF MISTAKE. (There is not a word in the Eskimo language to express annoyance. That is expressed by silence. — Dr. Eliot Curwen.) Whenever his too modern squaw Parboils the seal he longs for yaw. Or tasteless is his sperm oil, The Eskimo, inspiring awe, Makes no complaint or turmoil, _ He holds his peace, no word is said. But through the hut is terror spread. When on the weary weeks have run Without one moment's glimpse of Bun, My wrath is unrestricted, Or when the mutton's underdone, Or I am contradicted, When also tho exchequer's void, I'm, like the Eskimo, annoyed. Then roar and shout seem everywhere 1 What wild winged words, .they well could spare, My startled hearers beize on Strange soundc affright tho listening air— And this is all tho reason — I really would not bo, you know, Mistaken for an Eskimo. *-31.5. Daily Chronicle. SOME QUESTIONS. Do you come nearer day by day To the port where your dreams all anchored lie ? Or do you sail farther and far away In an angry sea with a sullen sky ? Do you come nearer the Ought-to-be In the wagon you hitched to a distant star? Or do you drift on hopelessly, Content to bide with tho Things-that-are? Are you a Drone or Do-it-now t A xlurry-up or a Wait-a- while? A JJo-it-so or an Anyhow ? A Cheer-up boys or a Never-smile ? It's none ot my ousiness, that I know, i)'or you are the captain and mate and crew Of that ship of yours, but the Where-you-Depends on the What-and-how-you-do. Are you a Yes or a May-be-so? Are you a Will or a (j ues B -you'll-b3 ?, A Come-on-iads or a Let's-not-go ? A Yes-i-will or an Oh-I'll-see ? It isn't the least concern of mine, I know that well, but as time endures, When they thresh tho wheat and store the wine, You'll find it a big concern of yours. Tit-Bits. THE BILLET-DOUX. An actor, named Smith for the purpose of this story, went to his club one day and found a letter for another actor of the same name. The letter was from a tailor, and read as follows: "Dear Sir Your account 13 now eighteen months overdue, and unless you pay at once we shall put it in the hands of our attorney for collection." The first Smith knew the letter wasn't for him, and he put it in another envelope, addressed it to the Smith for whom it was intended, and sat down to read his own mail. In a few minutes tho other Smith came along. He took the letter from the tailor tore it open and read it, while leaning against the mantel. Then, smiling tenderly, he tore it into little pieces, and, as he threw the scraps into the fireplace, said so everybody in the room could hear him : "Silly little girl ! How she loves me !" THE EDITOR AT HOME. The editor having written two or three leaders telling tho British Government how to manage its affairs at Home and abroad, advising the Tsar regarding his treatment of his subjects, censurinjf the German Emperor for his exce&sive "freshness;" suggesting threateningly that the Khedive had better be caroful what he is about, patrpniaingly instructing the Pope and informing France that the Editor had his eye upon the doings of the Republic, goes home to be greeted with : VNow, John, the servant has gone home with influenza, so you must get some coals up from the cellar directly, and after that run round to the grocer's and buy some soap and a cuke. I totally forgot them." INTERNATIONAL ASPIRATIONS. Gcrmaii Artisan: Ach, John, if I could only have your wages, and your hours, and your Cheap Food! British Artisan : And if I could only ha,vo your Insurance and your Thrift and yourSchools, Fritz ! AN EXPRESSIVE OPINION. Grevy; when French president, once extricated himself from a predicament with wonderful presence of mind. He was being conducted round tho salon of an eminent artist, when he saw a painting which displeased him. "What a daub!" ne exclaimed. "Whose is it?" "That picture, M. le President," said his cicerone, "is my own work." "Ah!" said the president, without any sign of embarrassment at his awkward mistake. "In our country, when we particularly wish to purchase a thing, we always begin by running it down," and, true to his part, he purchased the offending painting there and then. "I hear, doctor, that my friend Brown, whom you have been treating so long for liver trouble, has died of stomach trouble," said one of the physician's patients. "Don't you believe all you hear," replied the doctor. "When I treat a man for liver trouble he dies of liver trouble." — Everybody's Magazine. "Have any serious trouble with your new automobile?" "Not a bit. So far I haven't hit a single man without being able to get away before he got my number."—Cleveland Header. A female lion-tamer, * young and fair, beckoned to a big lion, and it came and took a piece of sugar out of her mouth. "Why, I could do that trick !" exclaimed a gentleman in the front row. "What ! You?" retorted the fair iierformer. "Certainly — just as well as the lion.'' Auntie — Do you like Uncle Harry to ride you on his back? Tommy — Oh, right well, but I had a ride on a real donkey yesterday. A negro was arrested in Atlaijta (according to Life) on a charge of vagrancy and brought before Judge Broyles. •'Why, Sam, is this you? What have they arrested you for ?" "Nothin 1 , jedge, 'ceptin' fragrancy." I Comparing notes at a Chief Constables' Association in the Old Land, an officer prespnt save kis fellows a useful wrinkle in tracking out those economic taxpayers who dodge the dog-license. "Wo get a good barker," bo said, "and send him round the houses at 10 o'clock at night. Ho ahvavs gets a reply!" Tho world is gi owing- bptfpr. There seems to be an increasing determination to make the- other fellow do what is right. An old man wa« telling somo boys that ihev ought to learn how to spell. "Why." saiil he, "people are so ignorant nowadays that they have actually spelt 'carriage' up in our village 'g-a.-r-a-g-e !' ' A woman woke up her husband at dead of nitjlit and told him a burglar wad in the houxe. "I don't want you to go after him." «he explained, "but I do want j-ou to -pmcinber that if you find anything missing from your pockets in the morning, it wasn't me.' 1 Women's Wisdom.- -He — Would you rather be beautiful or clever? She Beautiful, I think. You see there are lots of stupid men, but only a few blind ones ! The prodigal son had returned. '"Father," he said, "are you going to kill tho fiitted calf?" "No," responded the old inHn, looking at the youth carefully; •'no, I'll let you live. Buf I'll put you to work and train some of the fat off."-

PRICES: