ALLEGED HUMMUN. A RITA METER.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIX, Issue 12, 15 January 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMMUN. A RITA METER.

Rita, Rita, Growing swita Every day ; Will you never, Never, ever Come my way ? Rita, Rita, / When you mita / Chap like me, You should copper Such an opporTunity. Rita, Rita, Why, pray, trita Fellow so ? ' Won't you ever. Ever, never Not say : "No" f Lippincott's Magazine. 'TWAS EVER THUS. I bought myself an aeroplane; 1 had a dream ot bhe;.. I thought the lovely \wnged thing this! like up right soar Would * But every time 1 started out, ' Though I .had lots of spunk, The old thing balked, and kicked, and broke, \ And fell to earth kor plunk! —Carolyn Wells. Harper's Weekly. NOT HIS VOCATION. A coloured man was brought before a police judge charged with stealing poultry, tie pleaded guilty and received sentence, when the judge asked how it was he managed to hit those ohickens right under the window of tho owner's houae when there was a dog loose in the yard. "Lut wouldn't be no use, judge," said the man, "to try to 'splain dis thing to yo'-all. Ef you was to try it you like as ' not would get yer hida full of shot an' get no chickens, nuther. Ef yo' want to engage in any rescality, judge, yo' better stick to de bench, whar yo' am tamiliar." TAKING HIS "SPELL." A short 'man with the ramains of a "jag" wandered into the Midland and asked for a typewrites studio. He lives in Kansas, and* had been winning bets on the football games. He wanted to stay anocher week, but his wife expected cxm liotue, so lie wa« in scaircti o£ 3. type*writer to send home a letter to serve as an apology for his non-appearance. ".Kansas City, this date," he muttered to the typewritist.. "I have that.'* "My dear wife." "Yes." "Very important business will requirn my presence in Osawatomie for a few days " '"Let's see," interrupted the artist; "how do you spell that Osawatomie I" "Spell it yourself. It 's your typewriter." "I can't." "Can't spell Osawatomie?" he asked, in disgust. "No. 1 ' "Then I'll go to Fort Scott." ONE OMISSION. When Mr. Jenkins went to his bedroom at half-past one, it was with the determination of going to sleep, and with another determination that he would not be interviewed by Mrs. .Jenkins. So, as coon as he had entered the door, and deposited his lamp upon tho drcssing-tablo, he commenced his speech : "I locked the front door. I put the S uhain on. I pulled the key out a little bit. Tho dog is inside. I put the kitten out. I emptied the drip-pan of the refrigerator. The cook took the silver to bed with her.> I put a cano under the knob of the back hall door. I put tho fastenings over the bathroom windows. The parlour fire hus coal on. I put the cake-box back in the closet. I did not drink all the milk. It is not going to rain. Nobody gave me any message for you. I mailed your letter as soon as I got down town. Your mother did not call at the office. Nobody died that we axe interested in. Did not hear of a marriage or engagement. I was very busy at the office making out bills. I have hung my clothes over chair-backs. I want a new egg for 'breakiast. I think that is all, and I will now put out the light."Mr. Jenkinson felt that he had hedged against all enquiry, and a triumphant smile was upon his face as he took hold of -the gas-check, and sighted a line tor the bed, when he was earthquaked by the query from Mrs. Jenkins: •'VVhy didn't you take off your hat?" Vain ambition: "It seems impossible to break into -society," moaned the parvenu; "this is the fourth time I have been operated on for appendicitis, ■ and the only invitation I have received is one to call and settle with the surgeon." "Now," said the teacher, who had been giving an elementary talk upon architecture, "oan any little boy tell me what a 'buttress' is?" "1 know," shouted Tommy Smart. "A nanny-goat." < School Governess — Why, Vera, your es- — gay is copied word for word from Macaulay. Vera— Well, I thought I couldn't do a better one myself. — Punch. "After all, there's one thing absolutely certain, in this world." "Indeed. What?" "That fashion will never increase the size of women's shoes as it does their hats and sleeves." "Two heads are better than one," quoted the Wise Guy. "Yes," agreed the Simple Mug, "until it comes to discovering the North Pole." ' Briggins (a wily one)— No, I shall never marry. I loved a girl once and she made a fool of me. The Widow (disappointed of her prey) — What a lasting impression she seems to ' have made ! Pupil— They say Tony's injuries were the result of a practical joke. Professor— Yes. The chappies told him that a big burly fellow in the smokingroom was deaf and dumb,' and Tony walked over to him with a sweet smile and told him he was a bally fool. Pupil— Well? Professor— Tho man wasn't deaf and dumb. With hisses and groans the audience greeted the principal scene of the new drama. All hope, then, was at an end. "It's hard l to tell just what the publio wants," murmured the heartbroken playwright. "It's easy enough to tell in this case," said the manager grimly. "It wants its money back!" He was dining at a French restaurant, and while he was sipping his black coffee and firing 500 glances to tHe minute at a girl in a fluffy pink-and-white dress, a stranger gracefully commandeered his overcoat. He had just reached the door when the owner tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me, sir," he said, weekly, "but would you allow me to get another cigar from my coat-pocket, in case I do not meet you again?" An exact definition 1 of a gentleman has boen tried many times, never perhaps with entirely satisfactory "results, but this, reported by the Woman's Home Companion, betrays its pource. Little Sadie had never heard of any of the definitions, but she managed to throw a gleam of light on the subject. The word was in the spelling lesson, and. the teacher said : "Sadie, what is a gentleman?" "PUiuq, Did'm," iho tniwowd, "a gentleman i a man you don't know yerj well."