SUSPICIOUS ALPHONSO.

Evening Post, Volume LXXVIII, Issue 135, 4 December 1909, Page 11

SUSPICIOUS ALPHONSO.

"Now, I wonder," thought Alphp.uso, "what Arabella is doing at this precise moment ?" (Arabella and Alphonso weremarried last May, and Alphonso, being a commercial traveller, was far from home). "I wondor," ho repeated, "what she is doing?" Then a brilliant idea struck him and ho visited the nearest spiritualist medium. "What," said Alphonso, for the third time, "is Arabella doing?" "Sho is looking out of the window," replied tho medium, "evidently expecting somebody." . "That is strange !" said Alphonso. "Whom can sho expect?" "Ah !" continued tho medium, "some one enters the house, and sho caresses - him fondly." "It can't be!" cried the excited husband. "My wife is true to me." "Now sho lays his head on her lap and looks tondorly into his eyes." "Villain !" roared the jealous husband. "Now she kisses him." "It's false!" yelled Alphonso. "I'll make you pay dearly for this !" Tho .medium saw that ho had gone far enough. "Now," ho said, "he wags his tail."

HE MEANT WELL. Bobby's father is not a brilliant sort of man; it has been said, in fact, that he errs decidedly in the other direction. He took Bobby tho other day on a short visit to some friends, and thinking to make a good impression, he started a conversation. "I had quite an adventure the other evening," he said. "At the corner of a dark street a man suddenly sprang out on me, and said that if I didn't give him my watoh he'd knock my brains out. Fortunately, a policeman oamo along, and the man took to his heels !" "And weren't you afraid?" asked his hostess. "Afraid!" echoed Bobby's papa modestly, "Well, I hope not." "But," went on the lady, "if he had carried out his threat?" "Well," answered tho visitor, "if he had — " And then the loyal little Bobby struok in. "I'll bet there's nobody who could knock any brains out of father !" he said proudly. UNANSWERABLE. It was in the aldermen's reviewing stand during the military parade. A sailor from the battleship Connecticut had climbed over tho back of the stand, and from the limb of a tree against which the structure was built hurled merry badinage at the marines from his ship as they halted opposite. He made himself the centre of attention fort the time being, much to the annoyance of somo important looking Tammany men in the front seats. "Here, you, Jack!" shouted one of them finally, with a disagreeable intonation. "Why aren't you aboard ship, scrubbing decks, where you belong?" Without the slightest hesitation or indication of bitterness, Jack replied : "Oh, mo? I'm a politician. I don't work." There were no moro comments from the front row.

LEARNED BY EAR. Tho dear little girl then arose, bowed, and recited in this manner: "Lettuce Denby up N Dewing, Widow Hartford N. E. Fate; ** Still H. E. Ving still per Sue Wing, Learn to label Aunty Waite." Then, with tho tumultuous applause of the audience ringing in her cars, she eat down in happy confusion. A certain well-known member of Congress has a houec down in Washington. One of the fixtures of the placo is an old negro servant named Sally Ann. In the congressman's presence one Sunday morning ehe broke a big cut glass dish at the sideboard. "What have you broken now, you black mushfinger?" yelled the member, who possesses a very expressive vocabulary. Bauy Ann was quite unnerved, but she replied, very humbly, " 'Taint de ' fcrta oomm*ndm.«nt, breea de L&wd'l"-