"THE TOPIC OF THE HOUR."

Evening Post, Volume LXXVIII, Issue 129, 27 November 1909, Page 10

"THE TOPIC OF THE HOUR."

"Mr. Dooley" (F. P. Dunne) is in his element on the subject of the CookPeary controversy, as the following passages will show :—: — "He nfve<- wint there," said Mr. Hennessy. "He cudden't have gone. How did he get there?"' "It's perfickly aisy if ye know annything about Artie exploration* which ye don't," said Mr. Larkin, the blacksmith. "Look here. We'll call this bar th* Artie regions. This here matchsafe stands f'r What's-itß-name, th' Eskynio methropolis where he Btarted. There ye ar-re. Now, we'll put this box iv cheese an" crackers an' coffee with Martin's consint down at th' other end iv th' bar an' call it the North Pole. We'll call th' beer fassit Cape What's-its-namc, an' th' cash raygisther is a large promontory where he thinks there's game. Give me a knife, an' I'll mark off th' meridyans iv latichood." "Not on my bar," said Mr. Dooley, hastily. "Well," said Mr. Larkin, "mver mind. We'll imagine thim. D'ye follow me so far, or must 1 go all over it again ?" "Go on," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'll make out ye'er gin'ral dhrift." "Well, thin, what's to prevint'him fr'm goin' fr'm here to here, tell me that," said Mr. , Larkin, wetting his forefinger and drawing it down the bar-, Mr. Dooley following with a bar-rag and wiping out Dr. Cook's trail. "He_ thravelled on sledges over th' ice until he got to Cape Wh&t's-its-name. Arrivin' at th' cape, he thravelled on sledges over th' ice to th' Pole." "But how did he know he was there whin he got there which he didn't?" said Mr. Hennesßy. "He didn't have no adynoid baromether. An' he'd lost his watch." "There -ye go," cried Mr. Larkin. "What wud he be doin' with' a watch? D'ye think a watch wud be army good to tell a man whin he was at th' North Pole ? D'ye suppose he cud look at his watch an' say : 'It's eight-thirty. We must be at th' Pole?' A watch ain't army use in thim frozen lands. Ye don't need to know • what time iv day it is. All ye ask is what's the month or week. Ye go around with a little almanack on a chain or a fob in ye'er pocket. Whin somebody ' asks ye to take a dhrink ye pull th' almanack out an' say : 'Why, glory be, it's a quarther to Janooary, an' me supper will be cold. Well, if ye insist, I'll take a quick wan, but.tlns must be me last.' As f'r a baromether, it'd be worse thin useless. A man give me wan wanst an' it near dhrove me crazy. I always used to think that whin th' baromether wirit down it meant rain, and whin it wint up it meant fair weather. But I lamed be consuitin' this here parlor ornymint that if th' baromether was chuned ivry day be a profissor fr'm an obsarvatory, an' it wint up, an' th' wind Was in the east an' th' smoke hung low over tb' houses, an' ye had a pain in ye'er leg where ye sprained it in eighty- three, an' some wan had borrid ye'er umbrella, an' th' weather prediction was f'r fair weather, an* ye were goin' to a picnic, it might rain. I thraded this deludherin instrument 'f'r a rain-coat wan day whin , th' hand pinted to a 'drought,' an' I was just in time, or 1 wud've caught a could on me chest. No, sir, small loss was a baromether to Dock Cook. He was betther off without wan." "Th' pa-apers said he didn't have no hypsomether," said Mr Hennessy. "There ye go again," said Mr/ Larkin. "A hypsomether is it? Why "th' man wud be a fool to carry wan with him. Suppose he slipped on th' ice an' it wint off in his pocket, an' maybe killed a faithful Eskymo, or busted his fountainpen." "He niver was farther north thin th' throlley barns," said Air. Hennessy. "Th' Eskymos told Loot -Peary that Dock Cook spint all his time in his shirt sleeves in a hammock in wan iv their suburbs." "Th' Eskymos ar-re th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld," said Air. Larkin. "Ye can't believe a wurrud they say. Besides, they niver said atinything of th' kind. Dock Cook is goin' to sind a ship up to bring thim back to prove ivry thing he says." "That's like ye," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye know they're liars an' yet th' on'y way ye .caif prove ye'er base fabrycation is to'^et thim , to swear to it. Peary says that they'd tell army lie to oblige a friend with money. An' he's prepared to prove be thim that Dock Cook niver was army nearer to th' Nprth Pole thin Ree Janeero, b« hivens. Ye're frind is a faker." "He is, is he?" said Mr. Larkin. "P'haps ye'd like to say that same outside." "Hoi' on there," said Mr. Dooley. "We'll have no rough wurruk here. Plaze to remimber that ye're in a respictable saloon, not in th' columns iv a New York newspaper, an' that ye ar-re gintlemen, not Artie explorers. This here discussion has gone on long enough.* I'll settle it right here an' now. The other day, Hinnissy, I told ye that I thought both iv these here inthrepid explorers had discovered th' North Pole. I've had to change me mind about it. After lookin' over the tistymony iv both gallant souls, studyin' it carefully, an' makin' all allowances f'r topographical errors an' poetic license, I'm foorced to say that th' weight of ividence goes to show that nayther of thim was at th' North Pole. It's aisy to^figure out. Peary is a man of unblemished charackter. Ivrybody admits that. He settles Cook. He says Cook niver was nearer th' North Pole thin th' stove in an Eskymo's home that was named afther him. On Peary's onsupported statement I am prepared, Hinnissy, to say that Cook is an imposter. But, on th' other hand, Cook says Peary did discover th' North Pole. He's his principal witness. But Peary says Cook is a liar. An' there ye ar-re. "Peary has proved conclusively to me mind that Cook was nivver at th' North Pole. I'd take his wurrud f'r it alone, but he backs it up with ividence. He'll be able to show that th' speed th' dock says he made was impossible. H* thravelled more than half as fast as Peary. He says he'll* show be th' ividence iv thruthful and veeracyous Eskymos that th' dock was niver out iv sight of land. Who ar're th' Eskymos, says he? Th' same reliable witnesses as Dock Cook brings for'ard to establish his claim to bo th' first in that gr-reat Canajeen suburb ! No less ! Th' very men that accompanyed him on that dhread journey, his liie servants, his faithful companyons, who rode over th' frozen seas with him, shot th' musk-ox nnd th' poiar bear with him, divided their last gum dhrop with him, pinted out th* Pole to him, an' give him a certyfieate to take back with him ! "But Dock Cook's indictment of Peary is ayen more crushin'. The malignant spirit iv th' man is shown in his rejoindhcr. He endorses Peary's claim ! "Well, sir, th' lord save mo fr'm discoverin' annything. If I can believe what both these here gin'rous foes soys about each other, th' Govermint ought to stop ihim at Ellis Island as ondesirable iminygrants. "

"Were you a bull or a bear?" asked an acquaintance of a speculator. "Neither," ho replied ; "I was an asb." Little Rollo — If I hadn't hoard her nrovo that there is no such thing as pain I would suspect her of feoling that taok I placed on her chair.