ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXVI, Issue 122, 21 November 1908, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THE SENATE SENT IT BACK. (Dedicated to nearly any State Legislature.) The members of the House one day were working on a Bill; They filled it chock with poppycock just wild enough to thrill, And when it was completed, and nothing seemed to lack — They sent it to the Senate, but the Senate sent it back — Said the thing was out o' whaok. So the House piled more amendments to the hurly-burly stack; Viewed their work with calm conviction, and with nerve more strong than knack They sent it to the Senate, but the Senate sent it back. The Senate sent a message that was tinctured with a slur — "In these absurd amendments the Senate can't, concur." But the Hous© grew "wild "with fury, and said: "We'll have no slack." So they sent it to the Senate, but the Senate sent it back — Said the House was out o' whack; They hoped that some Samaritan would put them on the traok. But the House, as mad as fiddlesticks, just wouldn't stand the crack— They sent it to the Senato, and the Senate sent it back. Life (New Tork). THE "REST CURE." She wished a rest and sunshino For nerves so overwrought, Pursuing which idea A gay resort she sought. Sho got a little bedroom Devoid of sun or ray, Tho sizo was nine by seven, The cost two pounds a day. By way of rest from working, Of toil and trouble done. She wore eleven costumes From dawn to set of sun. And then for calming silence The band with crashing peals Gave forth two concerts daily And also played at meals. — M'Landburgh Wilson. WHAT ELIZABETH DID. A teacher in a New York public school where tho pupils aro mostly foreigners never took much notice of a certain boy until she discovered that there «vas constructive imagination and unsuspected humour hidden behind his quiet demure face. Here is_ a sample : — In the English work I often give my pupils half of a story, and ask them to finish it in their own way. Ono day I told them about a iittie girl named Elizabeth, who started out ono morning with tho resolve that she was going to be as good all day long as if it were Sunday. Her Sunday school teacher had told her that liltlo girls should behave as if every day wero Sunday, not put on their kind and polite manners only when they put their Sunday dresses on. So Elizabeth put on her school dress, she resolved that she was going to bo very good all day. Sho had not gone very far— only to the first comer — when she saw another little girl standing there, crying. That is where I left tho story for them to finish. They were to tell what Elizabeth did. This is tho way the most serious boy in school completed the olot: — "Elizabeth saw the little girl crying, so sho ,rent up to her and asked her what was the matter. . '1 had two pennies,' sobbed the little girl, 'and a big boy took one of them away !' 'Oh, that is too bad !' said Elizabeth. 'What did you do ?' 'Oh, I , cried, 'Help ! Help !' just like that, said the littlo girl. 'Why, is that all the loud you called it?' exclaimed Elizabeth. 'Yes,' replied the little girl. 'I havo a bad cold, and can't call any louder than that.' So Elizabeth took the other penny away from her." TOO FAR APART. Two olergymen wero once discussing the process of sermon writing, when one of them remarked that the difficult parts for him were tho introduction and the conclusion. '-You remember," he said, '"tho sermon 1 preached at the installation of BrotherMorley not long ago? Well, I nattered myself that the exordium and the peroration of that sermon were pretty well done. "X es >" responded the other divine, with a faint smile, "but, as I remember, they were very far apart." THE MOST ESSENTIAL FEATURE. A ; millionaire of the stamp of Dv Maurier s "Sir Gorgias Midas" patronisingjy commissioned Mr. Sargent to paint his portrait, and attended at the studio to give the necessary sittings. When the work was finished, the wealthy patron examined it closely, and then said with a frown, "Not bad, Mr. Sargent; not at all bad, but you've left out one most essential feature." Mr. Sargent bit liis iips to hide a smile. "Excuse me, sir," he said, "but I thought you wouldn't caro to have tne— er— er— warts produced." ihe millionaire, purple with rage, shouted: "Confound it, sir, I'm talking about the diamond rings and pin— not tno *yarts V JACK'S THOUGHTFUL GENEROSITY. Geneious and considerate in thought and deed aro the seamen of the United States navy. v ?* ne , ? f these > fresh from the lon ff battleship cruise, entered a bank in San Diego, hailing tho teller boisterously as follows : J "M el \°> m atey ! How's business ?" Business isn't any too brisk," replied the teller, indulgently, "but maybe it'll P^k up. What can Ido for you?" *v- r3r 3 j B . eam &n produced a check for thirty dollars, payable to bearer. How will you have it?" asked the tolldr. ti^rgSd:*" hGSitated a mm ° ment ' and a^ a T 6y> S u ei u' , that busi ness ain't so good, I won't be hard on you. Gimme £ a 0a 0 m a on S thT'' **' th * ™^ HE KNEW THE LAW. A cabman found a dead cat in his cab and in his anger he was going to throw it on the street when he saw a polioeman coming along. Then the following conversation took place:— \ Constable— What is this you are up to now? Cabby (holding up the cat)— Look here this is how I am insulted. What am I to do with it? Constable— You know the law, don't you? Tako it to the police-station, and if it is not claimed in six months it wil] become your own property. CARD ETHICS AT TIN CAN. Tin Can is a mining township in a Western State, and queer stories are told of its methods and its morals. It is related that a" "tenderfoot" once visited Tin Can and watched with interest the poker pfey. From saloon to Baloon he passed. Everything was wide open, and very gay and lively. But as he looked on at a poker game that had no limit, tho tenderfoot suddenly frowned. He had aeen tho dealer slip himself four aces from, the bottom of the pack. "Gracious powers," whispered the tenderfoot, excitedly clutching tho sleeve of the man next to him, "did you notice that?" "Notice what?" asked the other. "Why, that scoundrel in the red shirt just dealt himself four aces." Tho other looked at tho tenderfoot calmly. "Well, wasn't it his deal?" he haid. From a new novel : "The 6cene was picturesque. The temple bells rang out their summons, and the hillside was block with white-robed priests." She — You- married me for my money. He — Yes, that's the real trouble. 1 didn't take you enough into consideration,