ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIII, Issue 70, 23 March 1907, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

A "BOOKFELLOW" LIMERICK. A Welshman struck Woolloomooloo ; "I'll spell it," he, said. "W, Double o, double 1, Double o" — then ho fell In a fit, and his jaw cracked in two. JACK'S WIFE. Of all the wimmiug doubly blest The sailor's wife's the happiest, For all she does is stay at home And knit and darn and let 'im roam. Of all the husbands on the earth Tho sailor has the finest berth, For in 'is cabin ho can sit And sail and sail and let 'er knit-. — Wallace Irwin. HOW PAT RAN THE ENGINE. One day the yprdmaster asked him if he could run an engine. "Can oi run an engine? If there's anything Oi'd rather do all day long it's run an engine." ' "Suppose you run that engine in the house. ' "Oi'll do it," bluffed Pat, and climbed into the cab. Ho looked around, spat on his hands, grabbed the biggest lever atid polled it wide open. Zip ! ■she went into the roundhouse. Pat saw the bumpers ahead and, guessing what woul3 happen, reversed the lever clear back. Out she went — in again — out again. Then the yardmaster yelled : "I thought you said you could run an engine?" But Pat had an answer rea/ly : "Oi had her in there three times. Why didn't you shut the door." A PEETTY MIXTUEE. The 'baboo English* of India is usually commercial ; but recently a baboo lawyer offered a delicious example in his defence of a woman. She was • r aacused of an assault, but hp endeavoured to show that she herself had been assaulted and had suffered damage of the most conspicuous feature of her countenance. "My learned .friend with mere wind from a teapot thinks to browbeat me • from my legs," he asserted. "I only seek," he continued, earnestly, "to place my bone of contention clearly in your honour's eye. "My learned friend vainly runs amuck upon the sheet-anchors of my case. My poor client has been deprived of some of some of her valuable leather (skin) the leather of her nose. Until the witress explains what became of my client's nose-leather he cannot be believed ; he cannot be allowed to raise a castle in the air by beating upon a bush." CLEARLY RECOGNISED. "Now, my friends," said the candidate, making another effort to rouse the enthxisiasm of his hearers, "what do wo need in order to carry this county by the biggest majority in its history?" The response was immediate and enthusiastic. "Another candidate!" yelled the audience as one man. GENTLE EXERCISE ONLY. The new owner of a Scotch shooting preserve had piloted a number of entirely harmless gunners about the ground. "Look here, Mac," he said to tho keeper as they, came back. "These gentlemen 'avo to return to town end of the week. Would it do tho birds any 'arm to drive the ground again day after to-morrow!" "Mon," replied the Scot, "ye might drive it the moiai's morn. Fleein 1 aboot canna hurt them." SCHOOLBOY~"HOWLERS." Amongst the gems of a collection of schoolboy "howlers" given in the University " Correspondence and College Magazine are tlie following: — The 'name of Caesar's wife was Caesarea; she was above suspicion. Simon de Mont fort formed what was known as tho Mad Parliament — it was something the same as it is at the present day. The Star Chamber was a room decorated with stars in which tortures, were carried out. From this we have tho modern expression "to see stars" — that is, to be m pain. The Tories objected to the passing of the Reform Bill bocause they thought that the House of Coramons would soon htf ffllod with republicans and sinners. Tho Duke of Marlborough was a great general, who always fought with a fixed determination to win or lose. THE QUEEN AND THE TELEPHONE. A good story in connection with tho introduction of the telephone is told in Great Thoughts, in an article on Sir William Preece, lately chief electrician of the General Post Office. Tho new method of communication was getting into order for the first time, and, Queen Victoria, having expressed a desire to test its capabilities, arrangements were made whereby Osborne, Portsmouth, and London were united by telephonic connection. That Her Majesty might have a good opportunity of hearing the telephone under favourable conditions, it was arranged that a band should play in London at nine o'clock. Some slight accident, however, occurred to the Osborne section, of tho wire, andtno Queen's coming was delayed. The musicians, after having played for some time, were dis1 missed. Shortly after, groat consterna- • tion was caused by the receipt of a wire from Osborno stating that the Queen had arrived and was ready to hear the music. What was to be done? The band had de-parted, and to get another in decent time was well-nigh impossible. Not,. to be beaten, tho gentleman in. charge |. decided there and then to see what he could do in tho way of a band, and hummed "God save the Queen" through the telephone. .He then enquired if Her Majesty recognised tho tune. "Yes," was the reply; "it was tho National Anthem, but very badly ployed !" Mr. Preeco, as he then was, was the "band" which played so badly on that occasion. THE T.ORD ADVOCATE AND THE KEELIE. At a banquet in honour of a former Lord Advocate of Scotland, the possessor of a prominent corporation, the gnest of the evening told a comical story against himself, relating how he had been "taken down" by a little gamin of the Edinburgh slums, known locally as a "keelio." He was accosted by the urchin, who asked him for .1 "spunk" (match). "What do you want a match for?" "To licht tho end o' a coegar," said the boy. "You impudent young senmp, bo off with you. D' ypu think 1 can countenance such a pernicious and filthy practice-? Be off I'vo no mntch for you." "Then," said tho narrator, "ho coolly surveyed my vather pronounced rotundity, arid with patronising but cheeky leer, said : 'Eh, mon, I'm gaun t' a picnic tho n.orn ! D'ye think ye could Ten' me yqur wamo?'" Tho audience was convulsed with laughter, as well it might bo, as tho humorous Lord Advocato gave point to the incident by appropriate action." Senior Cleric — How is it you never take a holiday? Tho bos? could get along without you all right. Junior Clerk — I know, but I don't want him to find it out. It was in a magazine issued from a certain public school that tho following seemingly heartless announcement appeared a short time a^o; — "The editor will always bo very pleased to hear of the deaths of any old boys*'* ' " " '