ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXII, Issue 66, 15 September 1906, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

A SONG OF SPRING. It was a mistress and her maid, With a rush, and a crush, and a dustpan and brush, That, unto one another said: "It's the spring-time, the only curtain-ring-time, For the woods are green and -we must spring-clean." (I knew what that -would mean.) Between the hall and the dining-room, With a. rub, and a scrub, and a rub-a-dub-dub, I thrice tripped over a housemaid's broom In the spring-time, the only curtain-ring-time, When, the stools and chairs all cover the stairs And catch one unawares. A whitewash pail I did not sec, With a slip, and a slop, and a tenpenny mop, I kicked the bucket and grazed my knee In the spring-time, the only curtain- _ ring-time, When the painters come, and the plumbers plumb, And charge a good round Bum. And so I've made up my mind, next year (With a brush, and a comb, and I shan't be at home), I'll pack my bag and I'll disappear In the spring-time, the only curtain-ring-time; When the woods are green, if they must spring-clean, I won't be on the scene 1 ' — Punch. . THE TRIALS OP A DOCTOR. "Don't look so bored," said a young doctdr to a friend who had just made a wry face after listening to a neighbour's tale of what *'my youngest boy said the other evening." "If you want funny experiences with young fathers and mothers you ought to be a doctor for a while. I had just fallen into a. fine eleep the other evening — it was the first night for weeks 1 had gone to bed at a respectable time — when the tel-epliono bell rang. "Halloa, doctor, doctor 1" said the voice of one of my young matron friends. "Is that you?" "1 assured her that it was. " 'Well, do you know, I can't think what is the matter with the baby. I'm quite frightened. She just cries and cries, and I'm fearfully afraid she's seriously ill.' "1 didn't suppose there was anything the matter with the youngster, but I proceeded to ask a number of questions." ■ '■ 'Why. there doesn't seam to be any symptoms of sickness,' I exclaimed. 'Perhaps she's, hungry.'" " 'Well,' siid the mother, 'I never thoueht of that.' "Then eho lang off. I crept back into bed, and had 'just dropped into i another fine doze, -when again -went the telephone bell. "'Halloa!' I called. " 'Oh. halloa, doctor !' went on the same voice. 'Doctor, you were right j" she was hungry. Good bye.'" A comedian appeared in a four-act comedy in a certain mining town. At the «nd of the third act the miners rose in a body, gathered up their belongings, and started to depart. The comedian, in dismay, rushed before the curtain. ''Gentlemen," ho eaid, "there is another net yet." "Yes ; that's why we're going," said tho miners. In a country grocery store the argument, a heated one, degenerated into a dispute in which each side took the position that the others were crazy to entertain such political tenets as theirs. At this point a solemn-looking individual, who up to this time had held bis peace, suddenly interjected: — "Gents, I want to say that I'm the only cane man here that has the papers to prove it!" The crowd gazed upon him in astonishment. "It is true, gents," continued the solemn-looking individual, as •ho drew forth a document from the recesses of his coat, "here's my discharge from tho Stato Insane Asylum!" A milkman in a country town waa brought before the local court to answer a charge of adulteration of milk. "You are charged," said tho Judge, "with a most serious offence, of sellinp; adulterated milk. Have you anything to say in answer to the charge?" "Well, your Honour," replied ho milkman, "the night before it was raining very hard, and the only cause I can give is the cow must have got wet through." If anything, the quack doctor was more than usually eloquent. "Ladies and gentlemen," ho cried, at the end of his telling oration, "I have" visited this place'- for the last ten years, I have sold thousands of bottles of this miraculous specific, and I have never received a complaint from a purchaser. Now, what 'does 'this provo?" He paused for dramatic effect, and there was no doubt that his words had impressed his audience, till a man at the back of the crowd spoke. "Don't prove nothing," he said. "Every one knows dead men tell no tales." An English resident at Shanghai having made a good dinner from a tasty but unrecognised dish called his cook, Wim Hoo, and congratulated him on the excellent meal. "I hope you didn't kill one of those dogs to provide the soup?" jestingly remarked his daughter, referring, of course, to tho pariahs which haunt Chinese streets. Wun Hoo made a -solemn gesturo of dissent. "No kille© dawjr, missee," he exclaimed. "Him alleddy dead when I pickee up!" Two dialogues were overheard the other day in a London club. A young man asked a well-known dramatist if he had been to the Academy. "No," was the reply, "I haven't, and I've had a lot of trouble in my time, too." A few minutes afterwards I heard two men discussing a third, who hnd fust been compelled to file his petition. "He's a hopeless chap," said one of them. "Bound always to bo hard tip. Will you believe me, twelve months ago an old aunt gavo him «• couple of _ thousand, and he immediately paid his tailor's bill! Whßt -can you do for a fellow like that?" Weary Willio: Thcro was a, time, friend, when I had more'n a thousand mon working for mo. Tired Tim: You don't look like a man that over had control of a thousand labourers. Weary Willie : I didn't say they were labourers. Thoy wcro taxpayers. I was in the workhouse. „-,.. Tho toachcr of tho adult Chineso mission Sunday school had told her class tho story of Noah's ark and the deluge. I "I prcsumo none of you over heard that I boforo?" sho romarked. Yeh! said Chine Lung, triumphantly, Newsboy down stioet las' night ho say, 13ig floods! Many lives lost!' A visitor who was making tnennal call in a slum district, rising, said :— "Well, my good woman, I must go now. Is thcro 'anything I can do for you?" "No, thank you, mem," rophed the submerged one. "Yo mustn't mind if I don't return tho call, will yo? I havon't any time to go slummin' mesclf." A mombor of Parliament was to have mado a spooch at a country centre, and, boing unable to do so because the heavy rains had destroyed tho branch railway, sont a telegram as follows: — "Cannot como; wash out on line." In a few hours the reply camo ; — "Never mind; borrow a shirt* '■