ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXI, Issue 142, 16 June 1906, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

OUR WELLINGTON GIRLS. (Original.) Did you ever note, or have you a mote in your eye as big as a candle, That our own town girls, our Wellington girls. Are the best you've seen in your ramble? Their heads erect and poise correct It s no difficult matter to find them ; * w?x I / le ,V neat > they are hard *° beat, With the light a shade behind them. Well, now, you mark, whether fair or dark, Her "tout ensemble" is charming ; tt m touch 1S luite1 uit e too much— I shall certainly give up farming. Her eyes delight, those pools of light Fair windows of so much learmnoAnd on the street, where life is cheap She calmly moves, discerning. Q"o be left in the lurch, when you co to church, ~ 6 To help to find the places, Is just a bit hard, but it mustn't retard Your quest in the sea of faces • For after all, you know, it's all 'in the show, And life is but a drama ; To be nearer her is pleasure dearer— I simply won't bo a farmer. Now if among the fair there's one with silken hair, Dainty golden hair, that makes you feel inclined To dare — all on one cast — why, there The chance you find — don't lag behind ; Sure it's no disgrace to love a pretty face, A face divinely fair ; efface it If you can, but do not leave a ban To prevent you hoping, sometime, to embrace it. Then you should stand afar, and try and rush a 'car, At a certain favourite corner, And if you survive, at a quarter past five, You may chance to sit beside her ; And this I say without fear of '"nay," If you do, you'll wish for ever To ride in 'ife's coach, quite sans reproach, And "ne'er sigh for a change-r-no, never ! Whether on the boat, in her new raincoat, Braving the elements, faintly, Or at the gym, with physical vim, Sho is equally trim and dainty ; And if you should dance, and ]ust on chance Squeeze her hand, do it upright and squarely, For of all bright pearls, our Wellington girls Take the lead, and hold it fairly. — Ruon Bell. "THE PORTE SURRENDEKS." There is sadness in the bosom of the gallant British tar ; There is sorrow mid the fighting Fusiliers ; And tho grief of stricken Izzet, as he plumped "across the bar," Was as nothing to the British soldier's tears. For the regiments were ready, and the cruisers were in line On old Con-stan-ti-nople for to fall ; They were thanking Father Abdul, who was kicking up a shine — But there won't be any trouble after all! The fellows in the army and the fellows in tho fleet Were hitching up their belts to get to work ; They were singing "Maid of Athens" to the Cyprian ladies sweet, And winking at the houris of the Turk. The Turkish girls were scooting, from tho hushed sorag-li-os, While Abdul vowed the Britisher to' maul ; John Bull hitched up his trousers, cleared his throat, and blew his nose — And then there wasn't trouble after all! Xow Abdul's bold advisers round their neck wear hemp cravats, And the Turk' squats puffing peacefully again ; But tho navy and the army swear at busy diplomats, Who have spoiled the finest show of Edward's reign. There was fun and field allowance, there was Bosphorus forts to shell ; There was Loot in Father Abdul's munsh gall ; But the Bmiling-faced diplomatists performed tneir work too well — So there won't be any trouble after all! , — "Oriel," in the Argus. HE HAD REMEMBERED. A perspiring man, laden with bundles, bustled into a railway station, upset a small boy in a sailor suit, carried away half a yard of flounce from the skirt of a lady with a purple silk blouse, and finally stopped panting and exhausted beside a small woman who was sitting tranquilly in the waiting-room. "William ""J here now, I know just what you are going to say, Jane— that same old question. My dear, I forgot nothing." "But, William " "2\ T o ; I did not forget, to buy the fruit." He thrust a basket of plums into her lap. "Nor tho towelling." Another package followed. "Nor the seven and threequarter yards of cambric." • Another parcel. "Nor tho reel of silk. Nor " "But, William, dear, will you " "No, madam, I will not. There is no use in asking. I tell you I have forgotten nothing, nothing. Here's the prescription, nnd here's the — cr — thingumybob that your mother wanted, and here's a book for Agnes. There you are, the whole list, not a thing missing." His wife smiled up into tho triumphant face and said:— "Yes, dear, but where did you leave your hat?" And then the train came in. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. She had received a telegram, and her face blanched and her hand trembled as she held the unopened envelope before her. Giving it to her daughter, she said— "Read it." Tho girl obeyed. "Papa has had an accident — broken his leg and been taken to the hospital." the girl announced. The mother's face brightened. "Thank goodness it is no worse !" she said. "I feared ho might bo going to bring some one home to dinner." TIT FOR TAT. A well-known lady novelist tells a stoi<y against herself. ' While speaking at a working girls' club she gave the members some good advice, asking them how much they earned, and counselling them to put by a certain amount from their weekly wages. A few nights later there was a ring at the novelist's own door-bell, and a visitor was announced. It was one of the members of the club, who had come to enquire what the novelist's own income was, in order that she might advise her how much of it to set aside. The- novelist was, for once, at a loss for words. ■Miss Jane- (watching a particularly rough game of "footer") : Gracious heavens! Wliafc do my eves behold? My brother! My poor brother! They aro carrying him off tho field of battle. Ho is hurt. Blinkers (a football maniac) — Oh, don't you worry! They've got ;i substitute quite ah good. We shall win ret*