ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXI, Issue 136, 9 June 1906, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THE NEWEST ART OF SELFDEFENCE. [" Prisoner used such strong language," said a constable 'at Clerkenwell Police Court, " that I was obliged to get the assistance of another officer to take him into custody." The idea has been seized and developed by some one with an eye for its possibilities, as the following circular, which has fallen into our hands, shows.] BAR-GEE-JTTSU. '« " — King John, iv., So. iii., 57. "The- most wonderful system of selfdefence in th© world. Its study does not interfere with any other pursuit, and can be practised afc any odd moments, while searching for lost collar-studs or watching your train go; while waiting for a telephone number or chasing your hat; in fact, the busier you are and the more pressed for time the more opportunities you will find for perfecting yourself in Bar-gee- jitsu. BAR-GEE-JITSU is the most easily learnt art ever discovered, and, being largely founded on natural impulses, after a little practise it becomes a natural habit. No physical strength, irksome training, or expensive apparatus is necessary. It is a strictly verbal science, and a pure accent (which can be acquired in three or four lessons), and a knowledge of Bar-gee-jitsu are all you require to flabbergasfcer the most powerful opponent on earth. The accomplished Bar-gee-jitsian, man or woman, is able to meet and defeat at all points the strongest adversary dependent on physical force. BAR-GEE-JITSU is the triumph of mind over matter, and is "based upon a system of scientific cussological culture. Its use not only insures you against personal violence, but develops your vocabulary, imparts ruddiness to your expression and vitality to your opinions. Apart altogether from its value as a protection to life and limb, it possesses certain valuable qualities as a medicine. Tn all cases of nervous irritability, from ten to forty-five words for an adult (one to half-a-dozen for females and children) dropped upon a piece of your mind will act as an immediate sedative. Thousands of sufferers from such ailments as hammered thumbs, fractured boot lace, sore head, over-heated blood, impoverished luck, sluggish horses, twins, bile, cholera, blackballs, punctures, and diseases of th© liver and bar-rel-organs have already found benefit from a course of Bar-gee-jitsu, which is nature's method of relieving all kinds of suppressed inflammation, without the employment of medicines or drugs. TAUGHT PERSONALLY BY TELEPHONE. The proprietors have secured the services of Professor Gow-Smith (open champion of the fish market, and holder of tho world's- record for consecutive adjectives), who has invented an ingenious method for completely and successfully teaching this wonderful system by telephone without injury to the instrument. ONE LESSON FREE! in order to show how marvellous this science is we will teach, | free, any one of the following exercises.' The half-Nelson, half-Barg&e, polysyllabic shock, a most powerful composition guaranteed to reduce a London cabman to a state of stupefied admiration. The full-Billingsgate knock-out : Produces gasping paralysis and, if the pressure is maintained, the victim is soon suffocated. The Who the ! Why the ! What the ! cuss-as-cuss-can style : Suitable for close quarters, and especially when surprised from behind. The double-blankety-blank flumuxer : An all-red combination of frightful brilliancy. Inflicts colour-blindness on the donee, rendering him perfectly harmless. The Blimey-cum-Blighfcer-cum-'Streuth back-throw. With twenty different endings. Has all the effect of a piece of orange-peel on the pavement. The Graeco-Hell-eno-Damno-etcetro attack : A diluted but effective counter. In .three strengths. Medium, mild, and ecclesiastical. Suitable for family use. Bar-gce-iilsu jujubes : For purifying and disinfecting the mouth. One or two to be taken after each exercise. Is. l£d and 2s 7gd per box. Can also be had in the form of a gargle. Tho following testimonials are selected at random from hundreds which we have received : — Mr. Orlando writes :—": — " I think it only right to tell you that in my recent encounter with the Mighty Muscovite, I used your ' full-Billingsgate with such effect that the curtain fell and knocked j my opnonent clean out." | Mr. Mean says :—": — " Last week I ten- ] dered a cabmnn his legal fare, with the usual result. Upon my countering with your celebrated 'tv kwoque back-slum,' the horse was seized with the ' staggers,' and I secured an easy and comparatively bloodless victory.' Mrs. Meek writes: — "Last night my husband attempted to turn me out of the room. I called him the things specified on page 5 of your valuable little brochure, and applied the three-quarter-blighter strangle hold. He released me instantly, and it actually made him cry. I can truthfully say I don't know what I should do without Bar-gee-jitsu. Kindly < send mo a large box of your jujubes." Tho Countess of Limehous© has aptly summed up tho virtues of our system in three words. Sho telegraphs us : — "Blood ■mil tell." Write at once for full particulars, pamphlet, and terms. Special attention is given to beginners, and a liberal reduction is made in our terms to golfers. THE SUBLIME SCHOOL OF BAR-GEE-JITSU, Cursitor-street, W.C.— Bernard Parry in London Free Lance. . "SAVED!" The latest exploit of the Red-tape Department of the British War Office has inspired a- Daily Chronicle poet as follows :—: — It was the Woolwich Arsenal Had pot itself a-fire; So potently Che flames shot up That all did much admire. The Fireman clattered to tho gates With Purgatorial din; " Fling opo your doors, 0 Arsenal, 'Twero well that we came in." "But whafc is this that ye demand? No permits can ye showj Roll up, roll up your snaky coils, Shut ofi your steam, and go." Quoth he, "The ways ol Firo aro strango, And it might surely be, Did I return, fcliat yo miffht burn, And all your coinpanie." But still replied that steadfast one, " Produce your permits." Then The Fireman sighed, and went his waya. The Sentry Breathed again ! STEADILY FALLING. Captain 'Hamilton, Chief of the London Fire Brigade, has a ready sense of humour. When in command of a small vessel ho hurried up one day from his lunch-table on account of threatened bad weather, and almost immediately afterwards sent down a midshipman to look at the barometer. Walking aft, he hap pen«d to look down tho skylight, and 6aw the middy coolly fortifying himself with a glass of his best brown sherry. When the youngster came on deck Captain Hamilton asked him how tho glass stood. " Steadily rising, sir," was tho reply. "Ah. said the captain; "and ihovf ifl tho sherry!"- Like a shot- came

the answer, " Steadily falling, sir." Hamilton so much appreciated the joke that he allowed the incident to pass without further notice. SIR WmFRID'S LIQUOR BILL. After much persuasion Sir John Astley allowed himself to be put forward some years ago as a Conservative- candidate for Parliament for Lincolnshire. H& confessed he knew little about politics, but entered into the campaign as rare 6porfc. One day he addressed a meeting of electors afc a village in the Isle of Axholme, and when ho had finished boldly challenged his hearers to fire questions at him. Presently there came the query : — "What do you think of Sir Wilfrid Lawson's Liquor Bill?" For a moment Sir John was nonplussed, but only for a moment. Pulling himself together, he replied :—: — " I cannot answer for tiii Wilfrid Lawson's liquor bill, but I do know that last year my own was a deuced sight too ] big!" j "Here," said the clerk at the Skinnem Hotel, "we have eight hundred servants." "Well," said the departing guest, "1 must have overlooked four or five.. I'm quite sure I haven't tipped so many as that." The Right Hon. Joseph Chamberlain (so runs the story) was the guest of honour at a dinner in an. important city. The mayOT presided, and when the coffee was being served, the mayor leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, 'saying : "Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now'/" The hostess had been trying in vain to coax a young lady to sing. "What do you think of a girl who can sing ami won't?" she asked a bachelor guest. "1 think," he replied, "that she's worth a dozen girls who can't sing but will." "For the last two days I have been attending a curious case,' remarked a doctor. "It's that of a bpy who insists that he swallowed a shilling, two hulfpence, and three farthings. I confess his condition puzzles me." "You'll probably find some change in him soon," was the j comment of his friend. | Charlie : There was a splendid trick dt>ne last evening. I saw a man uclu .illy turn a handkerchief into an egg. Billy : That's nothing. I saw a man only about a weeE or two ago turn a cow into a field. Mrs. Kratchett: Bridget, 1 don't like the looks of that man who called in to see you last night. Bridget : Well, < well, ain't it iunny, ma'am? He eaid the same about you. "To what do you attribute the Sultan's long life, despite his illness?" asked the prominent Turk. "Bad marksmanship principally," answered the Court physician brusquely. A milkman while- serving a customei tho other morning, was asked if lie could guarantee the milk was pure. "Oh, yes," he replied. "It has been paralyzed by th« pubnc anarchist." A story is told of a. lady who, whi'e making a visit of several weeks, to her hostess, as the time of her dei parture drew near: "I think that tlu nicest thing about making a visit is the returning to one's home, where you en do just as you please again." One day a little boy came to school witJi very dirty hands, and the teacher said to him : "Jamie, I wish you would not come to school with your hands soiled that way. What would you cay if I came to school with dirty hands?" "I wouldn't say anything," was the prompt reply. "I'd be too polite." Recently a certain candidate for municipal honours was addressing the electors of the ward, and was engaged in pulling to pieces the claims to election put fop- j ward by his opponent. To sum up, he remarked : "In fact, gentlemen, my j opponent has not a leg to stand upon." From the back of the hall came an answering voice : "The more reason that ho should have a seat." A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter report ha-d occasion to catechise his hearers on the 2 3ara °le of the Unjust Steward. "What is n, steward?" he ; asked. A little boy, who had arrived from England a few days beforei held up his hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on his face, "who brings you a basin !" A young lady assistant in a millinery shop, who had just sold a quantity of goods to a, lady, asked ; "Will you have the goods sent, or take them with you?" "Do you expect that I am going to carry a bundle like that?" asked tho lady, indignantly. "Oh, no, madam," answered the young woman, mistress of herself. "I supposed your carriage was afc the door, and that you might prefer to take your purchase with you." Sho scored. Mr. Parakay (afc the theatre box office) : These two seats you gave mo aie in different rows, one behind tho other. Ticket-seller : Ono seat is for a lady, is it not? Mr. Parakay : Yes. Ticketfeller: That's all right, then. You arc expected to sit behind the lady, and if you bring one with a, big hat it's your own fault. That's the way we sell 'em