ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXX, Issue 79, 30 September 1905, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

A. SIXPENNY TRAGEDY.. (For the Post.) By Jove! What a find! Fate sometimes is kind, I wonder who dropped you like that? Weie you lying there long, unobserved "by tho throng, My sweet little opportune sprat? Tired, hungry, and dry, nob a penny had I, ' When I spotted! you there on the ground ; Of you I think more than in good days of yore I have thought, of ten bob or a pound. Between you and me a resemblance I see, For neither is youthful nor bright ; We have both, beyond doubt, had a knocking about, And the sky was our ceiling last night. You are welcome, indeed, in this hour of need, A friend w hen real friends are so few ; And ib puzzles mo quite when I think with delight Of tbc things I could purchase with you. Tobacco I need, I could do with a feed, Tho' I've trained "little .Mary" to wait ; Or I might get a. bed (rheumatism 1 dread, And the nights have been, dewy oi late). Now, what's it to be? I will toss up and see ; A tail — for weed, lunch, and domain ; Head — bed of repose, righto! Up she goes! 0, Gosh! It has dropped down the drain. — J. Jlarding Tucker. A CHOICE OF INVESTMENTS. J. Hampton Moore, the new chief of the Bureau of Manufactures of the Department of Commerce and Labour, is noted in Philadelphia for his perspicacity. A young woman the other day said to Mr. Moore : "I have inherited £5000. I hesitate whether to invest this money in Government bonds, which pay only 3 per cent., or in Zaza Gold Mine stocks, which pay 15 per cent. What do you advise me to do?" Mr. Moore smiled. "If you want to dine well," he* said, "choose the gold mine investment. But choose the other one if you want to sleep well." THE WITTY CANON. Mr. Lionel Tollemache, in the Spectator, gives a witty saying ascribed to Sydney SmitTi by the late Miss Swanwick. She told me (he writes) that two of his nieces, who were staying with him, begged him to give a ball. "No, ho replied, playfully shaking his powdered head. "You" can get plenty of powder from the old canon, but no ball." Another Sydney Smith story appears in the Hon. Henry J. Coke's "Tracks of a Rolling Stone." Sydney Smith was a frequent visitor at the home in .which Mr. Coke's mother resided. "Ho had been very ill ou one occasion, and would not eat anything. My mother suggested the wing- of a. chicken. " 'My dear lady,' ' he said, 'it was only yesterday that my doctor refused niy ' request for the wing of a butterfly.' *" AN OLD SALT'S WAY. A good story is told of an old sea. captain who keeps a little hotel in a northern village on the Feariiore celebrated for its sands. His wife was very anxious to have a horse, an animal in which the old man took but little interest, and the old lady finally won her point, and got her horse. The oteed was of a playful disposition, and used on the least provocation to tear madly along the shore, and succeeded in "s>pilliug'[ tho old lady several limes. At last, the captain, who had never driven the animal, volunteered to break him of his vicious habit; so, getting another old "salt" to aid him, lie procured a kedge anchor with a stout line attached. Fastening the end of the line around the axle, and putting the anchor into the phaeton, the "fiery untamed" was harnessed, and the two men started for a drive along the shore. Soon the vicious animal espied something which gave him an excuse to ran away, and immediately dashed off with frightful vivacity. The captain dropped the reins, and summoned all hands to "let go the anchor." The anchor was let go, and' caught firmly in the .sand. The unsuspecting quadruped pranced joyously along until he got to the end of his "tether," and then he paused — paused so suddenly that the phaeton was demolished and the two men shot up into the air like a couple "of skyrockets, coming down in a fearfully dilapidated condition. The horse is now for sale. A little boy being asked' if he was the oldest in the family, replied — "No mum ; my granny is." Mamma : "I won't whip you. I'll leave you alone with your conscience." Flossie : "Oh, don't, ma ; I'll be awfully lonesome." "T don't like the way every man we meet stares at you, Ethel." "Well, you don't expect them to stare at you, surely, ma !" Sunday School Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me what caused the flood?" Johnny: "Yes, ma'am; rain." The Landlady: "Will you have coffee, tea, or cocoa, Mr. Slopay?" Mr. Slopay:' "Anything you wish to call it, ma'am !" Gerald : "Am I the first man who has ever kissed you?" Geraldine: "You are the first man who has stopped to ask foolish questions." Gerald: "I was once shot in the face." Geraldine: "How far did the bullet go when it glanced off?" "Does your husband take as much interest in horse-racing as he used to do?" "Yes ; Charlie can always tell the day before a race which horse is going to win, and tho day after why he didn't.' Scene : A street corner." Shortsighted old lady in a hurry to get a tram, holding up umbrella to passing hearse — "Stop! Stop!" Diiver: "Don't bo in a hurry, missus! It ain't your turn yet !" The Bride: "I suppose housekeeping has its annoyances?" The Experienced Wife : "It's never without them, "i'ou cither have seivant girls or you haven't." • "Don't you feel foolish peddling these nonsensical toys ?" a6ked the man of severe ideals. "Yes," answerd tho streot faker, "I feel rather foolish. But what do you think of tho people who buy 'em?" The burdened income-tax-payer, in the course of making his leturu, might dorive a crumb of comfort from leading Theodore Hook's account, embellished no doubt, of the way in which Kelly evaded the collectors when he ivas owner of the Haymaiket Opera. House. They called to protest at his having given his income at £500. "Sir," said Mr. Kelly, "I confes3 I have ened iv my return j in fact, I have not five hundred pence." "Are you not stage manager at the Opera House?" enquired one of tho Commissioners. "I am," said Kelly, "but there is no salary attached. I do* it to gratify my love of music." "Well, but you teach?" said another. "I do, but have no pupils," was th<» ready answ er. "I think you mo a concert singer," persisted a. third. "You are right, but I have no engagements." "At least, you have a good salaiy at Diury-hme?" cried the lat,t. "A very good one." *uid the iinpertuibiible victim, "but it- is never paid." It is gratifying to know that he was let ofi, J