ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXX, Issue 37, 12 August 1905, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

DISAGREED THEREAFTER. Harry loved Grace and Grace loved Harry, And so at length they agreed to marry; And that, as is often'the case, indeed, Was the very last thing upon which they agreed. — Philadelphia Public Ledger. Parents (says the Onlooker) are complaining that the more expensive the public school tho worse the boys are fed. The public rightly shakes its head To see such shocking greed, The less, it seems, the scholar's fed, The inoro the master's fee-ed! BEAR SHOOTDJG. The President of the United States was lately off on a bear-shooting trip in the west. The papers made "Limericks" about it, and this is one: — There once was a President (Ted) : A hustling existence he led A bear he would shoot (Or some similar broot) Every night before going to bed. A FREE TRANSLATION. Sir William Gull, the famous physician, was once .the victim of a smart piece of repartee on the part of a fellow-prac-titioner. The occasion was a dinner party, at which, several distinguished medical men were present. The conversation happened to turn upon the subject of quackery, and Sir William Gull expressed his conviction that a certain amount of it was essential to success in practice, adding : — "It is an example of the old saying, 'Populus vult decipi!" (People like to be deceived.) "Quite so," said the host. "Now, can anyone present give an English equivalent .to that?" "Nothing easier," drily remarked a well-known physician of one of the Manchester hospitals. "The public like to be 'gulled.'"HE STOOD DOWN. The witness looked youthful, and appeared to be rather uncomfortable, too. Consequently counsel assumed his most imposing manner. "You describe yourself as a writer?" he began. "Yes, sir." "What kind of a writer ? A sign- { writer?" | "No-, sir." "A ticket-writer 1" "No, sir." "Not an author!" "Partly, &ir." "What do you mean, sir, by 'partly?'" "I'm in father's office, sir. He's a money-lender, and I'm the author of all the sharp letters to backward borrowers. If you remember, I sent you on© last week, sir." End of cross-examination. IN THE WITNESS-BOX. During his boyhood Benjamin F. Butler was a frequent visitor in the town of Nottingham, N.H., where an uncle resided, and among the many stories related of him is one concerning his examination of Pat Murphy, a local character. Tim Doolan had been accused of selling liquor, and the prosecution summoned Pat |to testify in the case. Now, Pat was a job teamster, and Butler endeavoured to make him admit thajb he had delivered liquor to the defendant. Butler asked : "Did you ever take any freight from the railroad office and deliver to Tim Doolan ?" "Vis, sor." "Part of this' freight was a barrel, wasn't it?" "Vis, sor." "Pat, what was in that barrel?" "I don't know, sor." "Don't know ! Wasn't the barrel marked?" "Vis, sor. "Then how dare you tell the court that you don't know what was in it?" "Because, sor, the barrel was marked Tim Doolan on one end and bourbon whisky on the other. How the divil did I know which was in it?" ALL THE DIFFERENCE. • Not long ago one of the chief of the paid officials — the general manager, so it is said — of a certain important railway alighted at a little junction station away in tfie heart of the country. The railway dignitary was returning alone "from a fishing expedition; and was well burdened with luggage of various kinds. The porter at this station proved a very paragon, and waited upon the traveller with the utmost possible politeness. He immediately gathered together all tho traveller's traps and said that he .vould look after them well until the departure of the branch train, when he would see that they were duly nanded over to their owner. Impressed with the porter's alacrity and courtesy, the general manager handed him a fairly good tip, which was accepted with expressions of gratitude and evident pleasure. / After a little while the official went up to the porter and introduced a conversation. "I say, my man, do you happen to know who I am ?" he enquired. "Indeed, I don't, sir; I haven't the slightest idea," was the ready reply. "Well, I'm the general manager of this railway, and I suppose you know that there's an order in your rule book. which speaks in" the plainest possible terms against taking tips from passengers." "Begging your pardon, sir," responded the quick-witted porter, "it says we sro not to take gratuities from the public, but there's nothing in the rule book at all against taking such a gift from it £i«l-low-servant." "He doesn't display ' much originality in his poems?" "Doesn't ho? He wrote a sonnet with twenty-three lines the other day. If that isn't original, what do you call it?" I "I suppose you will be glad to see your congressman back v home again." "Yes," axiswered Farmer Corntossol, "we'll be glad to see him. But the chauces are he'll insist -on our listenin' to him as well." Kind Lady : "You can get work beating carpets two doors from here — they are cleaning house." Homeless Holmes : "Thanks, mum. I mighter bumped right inter it if youse hadn't warned me. I'll steer clear of it, mum." Little Girl, innocently to new Minister •. "Will you please see how many times you can run round the garden?" Minister (surprised) : "1 couldn't, m,, child. But why do you ask?" Little Girl: "Because dad said you were so long-winded." Mrs. Hi Flyre. "They say that Mrs. Al De Mustard's beautiful new house is simply crowded with Murillos and Velasquezes." Mrs. Justin De Bunch : "Mercy! Has she tried pouring gasolene iii the cracks and fumigating with formaldehyde?" "Say," asked tne first messenger boy, "got any novels ter swap?" "I (jot 'Snake-Foot Dan's Revenge,'" replied the other. "It. it a long story?" "Naw! Ye kin finish it easy in two messages." An Irishman, taking home a goose for his Sunday dinner, went to an inn for refreshment. Laying down the bird, he wns proceeding t<> salisiy his thirst when a seedy-looking person, 1 seizing the goose, made oK. Pat at once gave chase, and ere long had his man by the neck. "What did yez take the burrd for?" queried the irate Irishman. "0h,." said the seedy-looking individual, "I took it for a lai-k." "Did yez." returned Pat. "Shurc yp'd make a bad judge at a poultry show,"