ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVIII, Issue 134, 3 December 1904, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

HOMO-GENEITY. [Ay critic holds that novelists have played out the courtship episode, and should portray man in the whole of his career.] The proper study of mankind is man, Not only wheH he's courting, And saying pretty things to Mary Ann, Not worth reporting, But when his infast face the smile of joy Exultantly is wreathing, And when a colic seizes on the boy, Or pain of teething; And when the seminary trams his mind On Euclid's proposition^, With promptings by the tutor from behind On. all omissions; And when in manhood's days the train he loses, And struts the platform, puffing ; Or, coming home to dinner, finds the goose is Devoid of stuffing. Or when the quarter's bills arriving thickly, ' , His inmost .thoughts are spoken ; Or when, because he tries to dress too quickly, A stud is broken — These are the scenes that make a stirring novel, And yet our authors sully Their fame with common love affairs, and grovel In courtships dully. I — A.W., in the Daily Chronicle. MADE A SALE. "Sir," said the book canvasser, whisking the prospectus from beneath his coat, "I have here 'The Complete Reference Book of Handy Hints and Sapient Suggestions.' It comes in one large volume, at two guineas. You pay five shillings down and the balance in monthly" — "Don't want it," growled the man. "—in monthly instalments of five shillings. There are forty pages devoted to"— "Don't want it." " — devoted to lousehold affairs, and there are twenty-five pages of medical information" — "No; I'm busy." " — twenty pages of kitchen recipes, ten pages"— , "No ! Busy. Go away !" " — of gardening instructions, with illustrations, and a department of first" — "No." " — of first aid to the injured. Besides this, there is nothing that a man might want to know that he cannot find in it." "Does it tell how to get rid of a book agent ?" > "Yes, sir. On page three hundred and sixty-five it says" — "Here's your money. Leave the book." "Thank you. That's just what it says on page three hundred and sixty-five." MARRIED TOR SYMPATHY, "Fact is," said the one man, "I married because I was lonely, as much as for any other reason. To put it tersely, I married for synroathy. . "Well," said the other, "you have mine." THE TRUTH. "Mr. Hardup must have used a great deal of flattery to win the heiress.* 1 No ; he simply told her the truth." "Indeed?" "Yes; he said he couldn't live without her.'" EVER NOTICE IT?. Brown : "I have just discovered what it is that destroys a man's memory completely." Green: "What is it? Alcohol or tobacco ?" Brown : "Neither ; it's doing him a favour." VERY FULL INDEED. Lawyer: "You say the prisoner came running over where you were, and that he was full. Now, it see-ms to me he couldn't have been very full or he couldn't " Witness (positively) : "I say he was full and running over." HOW, INDEED? "The last fish I had from you didn't seem very fresh." "Well, mum, 'ow can you expect fresh fish to come out o' salt water?" MIGHT HELP SOME. He: "I am marrying her for her money." She': "But money does not always lead to'happiness." He: "No; but I thought it might facilitate the search." OVER THE 'PHONE. "Can't you come', Alice?" "No, Laura, I can't." "Oh, I'm so sorry. I expected to enjoy your visit so much. I wanted to tell you all my troubles." ]>oxley (coldly) : " And what are your prospects, may I ask ?" Jack Hansom : " Pardon me, sir. I merely love your daughter. I have not been so mercenary as 1 to look you up in Bradstreet's, and, therefore, I cannot answer your question."

"Suppose I were to tell you you must not go to the matinee to-day," said Mr. Naggit. "How would you like that?" "0 !" ambiguously replied his yoiujg wife, with a steejy glitter in her eye, "I wouldn't mind." Wife : "Do you believe that marriage is a lottery ?" Husband : "No, I don't." Wife: "Why not?" Husband: "Because when a man draws a blank in a lottery he can tear it up and take another chance." She: "Did you send verses to the girl you were engaged to?" Ha: "Yes; that was the whole trouble." "I see, she didn't like them?" "On the contrary, she did like them. But she discovered that another fellow wrote 'em, and she married the other fellow!" Not Designed for Lovers. — He: "I am sure Cupid had nothing to do with the alphabet." She: "What gives you that impression ?" He : "If he had been doing it he would have placed U and I much nearer each other." Mrs. A: "I bought some of that mixture the agent said would cure my husband of drinking if I dropped it in his coffee." Mrs. Z. : "Did it cure him of drinking?" Mrs. A.: "Yes— of drinking coffee." '" Have no tear," said the sheriff to the negro prisoner, "you will be hung according to law." "Thank de Lawd !" exclaimed the prisoner, "I is ter die a r.at'ral death!" i

The Instalment Collector: "Are you sure your mistress isn't in?" The New Maid: "I hopo you don*t doubt her vrord, sir." Getting Back at Him. — Member of Congregation: "Doesn't your husband sometimes find subjects for discourses when he is on his vacations?" Mrs. Fourthly: "Often. I remember the sermon he preached after he had come back from his firsj; voyage on an' ocean steamer. It was on the parable of the unjust steward." In Good Order. — "John Henry," said the patient wife, "if I ever marry again I shall marry a Russian." "Well, wha£!a -■c trouble now?" John Henry wanted to know. "When you came in last night," explained the patient wife, "you went to bed with you hat and shoes on, and you bang your coat on the gas fixture and carefidly placed your watch and necktie under the bed. A Russian can at least retire in. good order." "Why is .Hadrins rushing around so-«x-citedly?" "Why, he says his baby is financially embarrassed." "Get out ! How could a baby be fiaaaciaHy embarrassed!?* "Oh, he Bwaflewed & aalfpenay,, you know." "I certainly was gratified at Mr. Crittick's comment," said D'Anber. "What did he cay?" asked Knox. "Why, you heard him. He said I was unquestionably a deft colourist." "I understood him to say 'daft.'"