ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVII, Issue 132, 4 June 1904, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

A NOCTURNAL SHOT. He threw his small clock at a cat— Flo nmsed her, you can bet ; The clock it stopped nt half-past threo, Tho cut is going yet. — Yonkers Statesman. STRANGER TO Hliß. Ho wrote: "It's my hope For you there may be Much joy in this year, MCMIV." Sho looked at the card ; Said, "Sure ns I live I don't know a soul Whoso name is McMiv 1" — Ex. A SOLEMN THOUGHT. It is ft solemn thought,' Most solemn, of a verily, With prugnunl meaning brought, That wo were once posterity ; The people we've forgot, Even tho vciy pink o' them, Wore once unduly hot To know what wo would think o' them. From this a lesson good W« learn nbout futurity ; Cease vain solicitude < And rest in full security. — Now Orleans Times-Democrat. At school; littlo Charlie, being ono of the geography c.ass, was. deeply interested in learning tho points of tho compass. Said tho teacher: "You have in front of you the north ; on your right, tho east j on your left, the west.. What have you behind you?" Aftor a rr.oment'a leliection, Chnrlio exclaimed ; "A pntoh on my pants." And to make (he informmioi. moro buttling, Charley continued in iv shamefaced mnnner : ' "I know you'd see it; 1 told nintnma you would. Horace T. EaMmtm, the inventor of tho lotomotivo pilot, said tho other day: "This morninjr I was sitting in a drug stoic waiting to get a prescription filled when a younf liishman entered. The Irishman pointed to » stack of soap, nnd wild ; '0! want n loomp o' thot.' 'Verr well, Kir,' said the clerk; 'will you havo it scented or unhcontcd?' 'Oi'll tnkout with mo.' said the Irishman." , "My dear," said Mrs. Newlywed, her fnco flushed vith tho oxcilemont *of her afternoon in the kitchen, "1 wnnt you to ba perfectly frank with mo now. What would you' suggest to impiovc these doughnuts I mudc to-ila.> ?" "Well," replied Mr. Now'lvwqd. lifting one with a slight effort, "I think it might ( be better if you made the hole bigger."

"Sometimes," said Uncle Eben, "a man gives hisso'f credit foh bein' resigned to fato when he has simply settled doM'n to bein' good an' lazy." Mrs. Muggins — "I don't liko the expression of her mouth." Mrs. Buggins— "And I don't like tho expressions of her tongue." "Hero's an advertiser," said the Western oditoi-'s assistant, '"'who offers us ono of his 'Patent Sadirons for Shirt Bosoms' in exchange for advertising space." "Accept it, of course," replied tho editor ; "some day wo may acquire a shirt in tho same way." "Sonny," said tho good old man, "I'm surprised that you aho'uld tease that cat in that way." ."Why," replied the boy, pausing in* his inhuman work, "do yer know any bettei way?" ghe— "l am • very sorry, but circumstanoes over which I have no control make me refu«n to b" vonr wife." Ete — i imt are they?" She— "Yours." "Whatever lire you children doing?" "Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to flt them to the baby, 'oot he hasn't got any!" Friend — "If your washerwoman charges by tho piece it must be rather expensive." Young Housekeeper — "Oh, no. Sho loses so many things that her bills arc. never high."