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Evening Post, Volume LXVI, Issue 152, 24 December 1903, Page 13

CHRISTMAS WITH SOME CELEBRITIES

I am not quite sure what I said, but 1 know that I distinctly groaned when the editor told mo that I would have to do another Christmas with more celebrities. Chnstmase3 are all alike, more or less — generally loss, outsido tho Christmas numbers of the illustrated papers; and as for celebrities — thero ore no moro than there were last year, although thero may have been an increase in notorieties. There is a Latin adage to the effect that no one becomes downright bad all of a sudden, and the same rule applies even moro forcibly to porsons who are climbing up instead of slipping down. This limitation I felt to be embarrassing, for I had in previous years gone round to most of the popular, or at any rate familiar, celebrities, and to go over the same ground once moro was monotonous. Still, I had to do it, so it was no use making difficulties. But how was Ito do it? Wizards, spooks, or motor-cars? Wireless telegraphy waa useless for my purpose unless in combination with a biograph ; besides, some one might tune up a radiator or re* ceiyer, or, whatever .thoy call it, and tap my copy by a process of scientific) hooliganism. I decided at last that I would go first to my last year's friend Santa • Claus, and oak him to give me a lift round again. But when I got to the Noah's Ark, Toy Avomie, Stotkington, where he lived, I found a disappointment. Santa Claus was very sorry, but his motor-car, h« told me, had got nmtushed up,' and there would b« no room ton me in his old reindeer sledge, "Why not try Old Father Time?" he enggeated. "He could whia you round in no time; and if ho can't help you you can come back, and I can lend you • very nice fast reindeer." He took ma to the stables and brought out the animal in question. It looked angular and uncomfortable, and I did not alto-

gether relish the idea of riding it; but a seat in Father Time's racing-car was certainly attractive, so Santa Claus gave me his address, Hour-Glass Hall, Scythe Lane, and off I went to see him. But I found that he was not at home. Would he bo bock soon? I enquired. There was some hesitation 'about the answer, but eventually the boy in buttons, who hod come to the door," confided to me that his master had been locked up for furious driving to the public danger. , "Bo's in tho gaol just round the corner. Would yon like to have a 'look at him?" the boy asked, with a wicked twinkle in his eye. I eaid I would, «o the boy hurried me Ttruna to a> gloomy-looking building and directed me to a littlo window barred With iron, y

I peeped through the grating, end there! nlrVenough, ww Old Father Time titting chained to ft pillar in exactly the tame attitftde ax the M>d Hatter whom Alice saw in the Wonderland on the other side of the Looking-glasi. His hour-glass was lying on the stone floor of the cell, and his soy the was banging on the pillar behind him. He looked the picture of. dejection, and I must confess that, although I ought to have pitied tho prisoner, the first impression at 4.he sight waa ft feeling of malicious natißfaction that for once at lew»t in his monotonously long life he •was not flying. But t concealed this rather ungenerous thought, and courteously offered my condolences to the old fellow. "How did it happen?" I asked. "Scorching!" was the candid but growling reply. "I've got to ecoroh— how can I help it? My motto is Tempus fugit, and 1 must live up to it." 1 vontured to suggest that in the old days he did not fly quite 00 fast us ho had been doing Utely. "That 1 * true," he sighed, "but even I Lave to move with tho times, although

I am Timo himself. I never could please everybody. When 1 walked I used to bo always jostling somebody ; then I had to take a bicycle, bocauso ib became unsafe to walk. The next thing .was that motor-earn mado it junt as unsafe to cycle as it hod previously been to walk, and so I had to go fiustcr than 'uny thing else on the road, and I was always running over people and emoshing up things until at last the police caught mo and I was Bent here, without even the option of a fine." 1 eaid 1 was sorry, and told him why I had called to see him, hoping that perhaps he migiii> offer himself to lend me hia motor-car for my journey. "I cunt help you," ho replied. "I don't know where my car is. The last I saw of it it was all in bits, and mixed up with tho mangled remains of a beanfeast party, and I don't want to see' the beastly thing again." Hero was another disappointment. "I shall have to fall back upon that reindoer," I said to myself; but I spoke my thought aloud. "A reindeer 1" Old Father Time eagerly txo'.aimed. "That's a splendid idea! It's so nice- and folk-loroy and old-fashioifod. I think I'll get one myself when they let mo out again, a nice slow one, for I'm tired of rushing about scorching and breaking records j it gets on my nerves." It was evident that there was so help to be got from this quarter, so I 1 wished Old Father Time good-bye, with a polite wish that he might toon be released, and I went "back to Santa Claus to close with his offer of tho reindeer. The next day would be the one before Christmas Day, so I arranged to call for tho animal late on Christmas Eve. Santa Claus himself, he told me, would b« away with his toys, but the reindeer should be ready saddled for me and in a telepathio condition, ao that I would only have to make- up my ■ mind where

to go, and my steed would need no guiding. This was a comfort, for I hadn't the remotest idea what to do if the reindeer should happen to entortain views as to route different from mino. A horrible thought had flashed across me that I might possibly be carried right away up .into Lapland, or somewhere inside the Arctic Circle, and dumped* down amongst Aurora Borealises and polar bears. Twelve o'clock on Christmas Eve saw mo at the Noah's' Ark, whore I found the reindeer tied to the front gate and patiently awaiting me. It had a sort of saddle arrangement ol rugs, with hido loops for stirrups 5 and round its neck, instead of the cow-bell it wore^when I first saw it, was suspended a lighted lantern. I untied tho animal and with some difficulty climbed up on the tacldle, which appeared to be placed uncomfortably far back. I should have preferred sitting more forward, nearer his head, so as to have been able to hold on to the antlers in case of need, but I thought it would not be safe to alter tho arrangements. As soon as I had settled my fcot in tho stirrups I jorked the single guidingrein, which was fastened to ono of the horns, and said "Tchk!" The reindeer took not the slightest notice, and stood stock still. I repeated the "Tchkl" without any effect, and then I- ventured to give a gentle kick with my heel* on tho sides of the beest. The only response was an impatient fling of the horns and an angry stamp with one of tho forefeet. I was mortally afraid -that if I used stronger methods the- strange creature I was mounted on might indulge in some weird and alien form of retaliation, so I simply said 'Tchkl" again. • But still tho reindeer refused to move. The situation was getting to bo ridiculous. I could not spend tho whole night in this absurd position, but what was I to do? It suddenly occurred' to mo that I had not made up my mind yet where I wanted to go, and possibly tho animal was waiting for a telepathio inspiration. By a nappy thought I determined in my mind that if I could ever -tart for anywhere I would first of all pay a. Visit to Mr. Arthur Balfour.

The idea had hardly settled itself in my mind when the reindeer was off with a rush that nearly flung me back over his tail end. Fortunately I had a good grip on the rein, and soon succeeded in hauling myself into a safer seat. I had never ridden a reindeer before, and at first I wna decidedly uncomfortable, but I clung on somehow, us th« animal with spiny-footed legs that moved like the piston-rods of an engine went swiftly and silently forward across country in a black darkness fitfully lighted by tho erratic gleams of the swinging lantern hung round the creature's neck. For what particular part of the

United Kingdom my mount M ? ua heading I had! no idea, but thero was no hesitation on its part. Evidently I only had to think of the celebrity whom I wanted to interview and the reindeer did all the rest. Bub I fancy it must havo been Whittinghiiino whmo 1 found mysolf on Christmas morning, and I must have slept on tho way; at any rate, I discovered myself sitting face to face with Mr. Arthur Balfour. Ho was lounging back in an easy chair, with his legs arranged in dtstaohed and almost impossible positions. He had a book, a child's book it looked like from tho largo print, in his hand, and thero was a bored expression on his fuce *s he looked up and greeted mv. I "It's an awful nuisance," he was saying to me, "to have to start from the

A B 0 of it and work up such a horribly dry subject as political economy. Fancy a soul grinding 1 at political economy." "But why do you do it?" I asked. A sweet expression of childlike bewiU derment stole over his features. "I \yonder why?" he murmured. He (started from his little reverie as footsteps, quick and incisive, could be heard approaching the door of the room. A look almost of terror succeeded the abstracted gaze of the moment before, and Mr. Balfour eat up and waited uneasily. The door was flung wido open, and a figure clad in what appeared to me to be a black-loaded suit of armour stood on the threshold. TJuo keen face, with the short, sharp, aggressive- nose and the glittering eyoglos», were unmistakable. It wus Mr. Chamberlain. He beckoned to Mr. Balfour. . along, look sharp, Arthur!" ho snapped out. "I don't want to look sharp, and I can't 1" wus tho petulant reply. "Why ' can't you leave me alone? I'm busy studying." "Political economy, still?" Mr. Chamberlain asked, with a eardonio imile. Mr. Balfour blushed, and admitted that It was so. ' "Why need you bother yourself to j study it?" was tho sliurp reply. "I know all about it, and thoro'« no necessity for us both to know. It's much safer for you not to have settled convictions, you cau leave all that to me." » "But people are getting a little tired of my being a child tn co many mutters," said Mr. Balfour plaintively. Mr. Chamberlain smiled another grim ami la, and beckoned again. "The motor-car's outside, and I'm going to take you for a run." A look of apprehension passed over Mr. Balfour's face, and he visibly shuddered. "Not to-day," ho protested. "I'm certain you'll get me into trouble. You scorch awfully." "You've had to pay several fines yourself for exceeding the regulation speed," Mr. Chamberlain cauaticiuly remarked. "Yes, that may be so," Mr. Balfour replied, "but then tho regulation speed is to absurdly low and the only, way to get the law altered was to——" "Go in for passive rwistanco," sneered Mr. Chamberlain, Mr. Balfour blushed again and looked angry, but ho said nothing. The tempter flashed his eyeglass angrily, and beckoned once again with an imperative gesture. The sceno reminded mo somewhat of Svengali hypnotising Trilby. Slowly, and moving as if under the influence of a strong will dominating his own, Mr. Balfour roso from his chair, passed out into the hall, and began to don Arctio paraphernalia. When he had transformed himsolf into tho semblance of an Esquimaux suffering from a bad cold he submissively followed his chauffeur to where, outside the hall door, a large motor-car, which boro the word Zollvexein in flaring red letters along tho side, stood quivering and rumbling like a volcano, in tho throw of a restricted eruption. Mr. Balfour turned to me and courteously expressed his regret that our interview »hcu!d havo beon so summarily, or rather, as he corrected hie phrasing, suddenly, interrupted. "Perhaps you would like to join us. in our drive," he went on, "and possibly we 'might find on opportunity for • a chat on tho way."

I must confess that the look of the monster machine panting for a dash, and the somewhat Mephtatopheliun appearance of tho driver, rather frightened mo, but I plucked up courage and accepted the invitation. ' I got up into thoback .eat behind Mr. 15a If our, squeezed my oap as far an I could down over my head, drew a long breath of apprehension, and held on like grim death. Mr Chamberlain sprang into his place, bent forward like a jockey over tho > neck of a racehouae, turned a wheel, or I moved a lever, or something! and off we

When I recovered my senses after the spill I found myself in the midst of a group of policemen. At least, thoy wore police uniform, but there could be no mistaking tho familiar faces of the Duke of Devonshire, Lord Qoschen, and Sir Michael Hicks Beach. "How did you got heroi" sternly asked Sir Michael. I replied that so far as I could remember I wu left there, dumped down by a motor-car. "Run over?" he enquired. "Chucked out!" I replied. "Whoso motor was it/" ho wanted to know, and I told him. The three policemen glanced significantly at each other and nodded their heads. "I knew they wore out on tho rampn«o," one oi them remarked. "Poor old Arthur . .aid another. "He'll have a hot time of it with that driver." Then they disoumod as to how they could succeed in Arresting the car. "They'll wreck the whole country if they are- not stopped," said Lord Qoschen ; "but how can wo manage it? Joe would run .us down «a soon as look at us if we got in hia way." Sir Michael suggested to th« Duko thnt, na ho ww» tho biggest man, he might get 111 front of tho machine and try to stop itj but the Duke said thnt hu would prefer some method that would entail less personal inconvenient -c. Tin*

1 "Then Joe was driving," said one of tho party ; and he added, "Poor old Arthur I"— which was just what one of the policomou had «aid. I aoked how thoy could be sure that the car would come along this particular road. ' "Oh, they're bound to pass this way sooner or later, and then wo shall catch them." - I suggested that they might havo taken provisions with them, and could therefore prolong their journey indefinitely. "Possibly," suggested one of tho party, •they havo a supply of Mr. Beddon's frozen mutton on board" ; to which some one else, added that their store would hardly include "cold shoulder," and thoy all laughed. I could hot wait to see the result of tho spado work, for timo was pacing, and I felt that there was nothing particularly Christmasy in the "copy" 1 had got so far, so I started my reindeer off again. Of course I had mentally to oolect my destination before 1 fixed my thoughts on the Comniander-in-C'hief, as I wanted tc know how tho army was getting on this Christinas. But it seemed as if I were doomed to get only very scanty material bearing upon tho Christmas home life of celebrities, for

shot with a Rpring that nearly upset and completely demoralised nie.

"Don't go too fnstl" heard Mr. Bulfour shout to the driver, but tho admonition hiul no cifect. The machine lure mndly along, increasing in speed every moment. Conversation was imSossible, it was as much an I could o to got my breath as we whirled through tho air like a roaring meteor. The people we met on the roada evidently were divided iv opinion aa to our proceedings. Some jumped into the ditches or clambered up on the hedges, shouting angrily and shaking their fists at us m wo whizzed by. Some threw Btonw. whilttt others cheered. One of these in particular attracted my attention. lie was an elderly agricultural labourer in an old-fashioned wmock, and he sat on a gate and waved an iinciout hat ecstatically at tho fleeting vision. It wns only a momentary glimpse I got of him, but ho was mmukubiy liku Mr. Henry (JliilUllll. v

•Will I .* ' -" ;s Tho journey, bo far as I was concerned, was a short' one, for it «oon camo to an abrupt termination. Wo mtmt havo run over some obstruction, it might have been a policeman fotf oil I know/ and tho jerk flung mo clean out of my neat head over hcelo on to tho road, and* in & moment the car was out of sight.

ing that tho motor with Mr. Chamberlain and Mr Balfour hud recently gono along a road not far away. They wcro eager for information as to whether thoy wore going very fust, and who was driving. "Thoy were going, liko mad," I told thorn.

tnckß to punoturo the tjrew, lopes drawn across tho loud, nnd mindiy other dovices wcie suggested and dismissed. But I did not wait to lie.n- their decision, for just then my reindeer tlotted up. I had really foigoltcn all about it, but its appearance, reminded me "of my mission, so I mounted and fixed my thoughts on tho Liberal Leader**. The reindeer hesitated, as if the telepathic suggefltiou wero a little indefinite, but presently it seemed to get a midden inspiration, and off it wont at full speed. Wo did nob go fnr thi<» time, for a few momenta' tiofc brought me to a group of men busily digging a tiench

across the road. In spite of the season they wero all in their shirt-Bleeves, and they were plying largo spades with groat energy and apparent unanimity. They were co engrossed) in their work that, although some of tho figures seemed familiar, I did not at 'first recognise who they were. But when I pulled up close to tho group I noticed amongst them Lord Rosebery, Lord Spencer, Sir Honry Campboll-Bannerman, Sir William Harcourt, Sir Edward Grey, and other prominent Liberals. "This ought to smash them," remarked Sir William flnrcourt to me, ns he paused for a- moment from his labour to flap warmth into his hands. I ventured to ask the meaning of tho operation they wore engaged in. "Joe is ramping round with Arthur Balfour on a motor liko a ronring lion," ho replied. "lie's tearing up all our Free Trade paths, and upsetting our system, and mining and turning upside down tho wholo country. Tho police are after him " I remarked that I had just left three of them. He wanted to know who they wero, and I told him. "Hal" he chuckled, "Joa and Arthur will find it difficult to got over tho Duke and Qoschen and Hicks-Beach. Rip Van Winkle may get a little sleepy over it, but tho ekoleton will givo him a rattling; and as for Bluck Michael, ho'll talk very straight to them if ho comes across them." "You seem to bo all working well togother, Sir William," I remarked, for I thought I would say something pleasant. " "Easier work than building tabernacles?." The latter suggestion was a very tinwise addition, for all tho workers turned angrily towards me and said, "Sh I" in a chorus of protest. I felt voxed with mysolf for having introduced a jarring note, and so I tried to chuuge tlio subject by remark-

wlien 1 had gone soino distance — where and in whut. direction, whether AlderMlmt, Salisbmy -Plain, or Pall Mall I lutvo nnt. tho leniotcsL ideu — I suddenly met what looked like a Young Gentleinen'.s Academy, walking two and two. 1 noticed, however, tlmb they looked rather too gruwn up for schoolboys, and many of them woia mouM aches. They wero all dressed in a soit of German militiiiy uniform, and they walked with almost exaggerated sednteness, and caniod large hymnbooks. Their faces wore a stereotyped expression of sanctimonious corrcctitude, and they -were oeilainly tho. "goodest "-looking young men 1 had ever seen — tho sort of young men who never on principle play cards

for money, or bet, nnd to whom "rngging" would mean unthinkable rudeness.

The headmaster of this very proper nnd supcrnaturally well • behaved Academy brought up the rear of tho procession, 110, too, was dressed in German Btyle ; but I recognised in tho ehort, spare, upright figure with the' Greet head nnd whito unir and moinstndie the Cora-mtuidor-in-Chief, Earl Uobflrto.

I pulled up and saluted him respectfully, tusking whether ho could possibly spare me just n minute for an interview. Ho returned my taluta courteously. "I nm just taking my young officer* to church," ho said, "and I «m sorry that I am therefore unable- to give you an interview j but if there is any question you specially wieh to nnk me I shall be very pleased to answer briefly." "Your lordship ia extremely kind," I said, "aud I will not trespasr on your timo for moru than a moment. I only wish to know how the young officers spend their Chrifttmastide.'*' "Well," Lord Roberts replied, "I will toll you. Last night, being Christmas Ere, I allowed them to play snapdragon, which they enjoyed, but with — h'm — extreme decorum. We ar» now on our way to church, after which wo shall return to a Christmas repast, and if they all behave well I havo promised them as a treat that they 'shall have a modicum of lighted spirit with their pudding. I have promised this relaxation in tho full assurance that they will not abuso -tho exceptional indulgence " I remarked that they nil seemed to mo to .bo singularly well behaved. "I need not ask," I added, "whether they ever indulge in what is known as "ragging 1 ?" " Never 1" emphatically replied his lordship. "They are absolutely incapable of anything of so unruly a character. Thoy are extremely particular in all matters of conduct, and they will even firmly but gently insist that thoso wifh whom they are brought into contact shall not neglect their ablutions." '• I thanked him gratefully for his kindness in giving me this interesting information, and with mutual Christmas good wishen ho rejoined him pupils, who had marked timo whilst their headmaster waa engaged in tho conversation. As I turned away, after Lord Roberts had passed on, I wa» surprised at my reindeer's action in 'immediately resuming his trot without any special suggestion on my part • but the mystery was solved before we had gone far in tho person of Mr. Brodrlck, w,ho came riding

along dresaed, liko Lord Roberts and his officers, in a sort of German uniform. He looked anxious and worried. " Have you seen anything of them?" he asked me, as \>q drew near and pulled •'Do you mean the Army Corps?" I enquhed. Mr. Brodrick said something in German that sounded like a bang-word. ' "I beg your pardon, Mr. Brodrick," I mtid upologeticully, " 1 didn't quite underBland what you meant by ' them ' ; I thought that possibly you were looking for those Army Corps.'" - "Oh, bother the Army Corps! I get worried enough about them in the House and in the papers, without having them dragged in on Christmas Day 5 and just now, he went on in un aggrioved tone, " when, thanks to Mr. Chuniberlain, peoplo wore beginning to forgot all about those littlo departmental details." " But, excuse me, Mr. Brodrick," I remarked, " you haven't told me what you "were enquiring about." " I meun the young officers," he replied. "You don't happen to have met any of them about the roads, rugging, or putting people into ponds, or rapping them with sticks, or anything of the kind?" Mr. Brodrick seemed so very troubled, and I felt it wa« such a pity he could not enjoy his Christmas Day at home without anxiety, that I felt quite glad to bo able to reassure him. I did this completely by describing how beautifully all the young officers whom

I had met on their sedate way to chiirch were behavine. The worried look vanished from hi* face, and he positively beamed. " Actually going to church, did you say? — and with hymnbooks!" ho exolaimed. "Well, wuo would have thought it possible 1 I really must try to overtake them and see for myself. It'll be so useful to be able to tell those troublesome fellows in tho House of Commons, who badger me about everything that happens in the Army," and with a hurried goodbye Mr. Brodrick galloped on. I was petting a little tired and hungry by this time, and I began to think of when I should get home. This idea evidently harmonised with the views of the reindeer, for in a moment he was off at full speed. We went so fast that I don't quite remember how wo got back, nor what became of my steed. All I know is that late in the uftornoon of Christmas Day I found myself quietly sitting by my own fiieeido. And thoy all said that I had been asleep a long time!