ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVI, Issue 136, 5 December 1903, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

MOST OF THEM ARE. Do not' booat your pedigtee, Proud and haughty lady. Folks may find your family tree Just a bit too shady. — Philadelphia Press. WHAT MARY HAD. Mary had a little lamb, Likewise an oyster stew, Salad, cake, a piece of pie And a bottle of pale brew—* Then a few hours later She hod a doctor, too. — Chicago Daily News. A LATTER-DAY LULLABY. Hushaby, lullaby, go to sleep now . There is your patent self-rocking crib, dear! You've ha.d your milk from a sterilised cow, From microbes and germs you have nothing to fear Hushaby, lullaby, Shut your blue eyes, A babe of to-day j Never whimpers or cries! Hushaby, lullaby, th' food that you had Came straight from the chemist — prepared just for you. Fed by machinery, are you not glad That science has taught all these methods so new? Hushaby, lullaby, Baby so Bweet, (Crying is out of date, I must repeat!) Hushaby, lullaby! If you are good Mother will call on you once everyday So you may recognise her, as you should — Ah, she is rearing you in -the right way 1 Hushaby, lullaby, Dear littlo man, I hope you appreciate This splendid plan! —Cincinnati Commercial Tribune. ADVICE. "I cannot stand the heat," he said ; " Twill kill me I much fear," "Oh, try to live," the maiden cried, <f You're so much cooler hero." ! — From Life.

A WEDDING AU NATUREL. There was a wedding yesterday; Jft Graceless Church. Lord Baldknob, of jKiltshire, England married Miss Sallio Panhandle, of East Pitteburg. The bridal party, including the attorneys for both sides, formed in the alcove promptly at 11.30. At 11.45 the real estate in the bride's name was transferred to his lordship. At 11.50 a million dollars in legal tender changed hands. At high noon all the railroad first mortgage bonds known to be in tho bride's possession were handed over. A vote of thanks was then passed to his lordship for leaving the bride's father enough to, live on comfortably until the next rise in Wall-street, which is predicted for next spring. At 12.15 two bishops, four clergymen, two real-estate lawyers, and a barrister, representing the plaintiff, pronounced the benediction. The groom will pass the next thre* weeks with his bride at his estates in England, after the roof has been repaired. After this, it is understood, they- will separate and enter 6ociety.— Life Probably: His pa — "BobT)y, I merely punish you to show my love for you, my boy." Bobby — "If I was only bigger, pa, I'd return yonr love." Stella— "Why did shs rofuso Jack?" Bella — "Because he couldn't support her in the style she was unaccustomed to." Little Willie— "What is the difference betwen character and reputation, Pa!" Pa, — "Character is a luxury, my son, while reputation is a necessity." Clerk — "Is this to be charged madam?" Lady — "Oh, yes ; you'll have to. My husband has just lost his position." Mike — "They say Tim Cassidy died without th' aid ay a doct-hor." Pat — "Well, Tim was always a handy lad at anything." Overheard in Court: — Counsel (to witness) — "How can you prove that the prisoner stole six of your handkerchiefs?" "Why, because they were my handkerchiefs that were found on him. Look at them for yourself. They are exactly th« same as mine." "That proves nothing. I have some handkerchiefs like those." "That's quite possible," replied the- witness, "several more of mine are missing." "This commercial trouble is terrible," said the man who takes everything hi reads seriously. "What's the trouble?" "The patent food people are tryine to make everybody so healthy that there will be no one left for the patent medicine people to cure."