WIT AMD HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXIV, Issue 131, 29 November 1902, Page 10 (Supplement)

WIT AMD HUMOUR.

ESSAY ON WOMAN. (The Late Alexander Pope brought up to dale.) Beiiold the female child, by nature's ] aw, Pleaded with a rattle, tickled with a .straw ; But she loves best of all her her bric-a-•brdc JstsS-in-the- Box— because, you see, he's i Jack. Swne livelier plaything gives her youth i delight, A little louder, but as empty quite ; This Jack — or Tom — can. talk and chew a cane ; 'Tis all the evidence he shows of brain. Then, as she treads a loftier social stage, Titles and millions please her riper age ; j\or does the glamour of such baubles pale Because they're humbly offered by some male. "Woman's my plaything," proudly man avers, r But he's mistaken quite, for he is hers, j — New York Liie. '. THE FAINT HEART. , The proverb, " Faint heart never won 1 Fa) re Ladye," one v.as truth mbiirne ; - But changeful Ftte new threads hath ) Bpun — 1 And, now, the faint heart is the one r The lady capture*, every time 2 1 — Collier"* W«e!dy. r THE BAD BOY. I haven't TvaFhe-J my £&.oe, Ob, 3iol! ' r I haven't bru/hci vxy Lair, " I haven't changed i,,y fowt*, JOTI Jokjw, j Because I didn't ca:e, r I'm going down to }}«ye my tea, ; o Where all the Is&fc* a«: ; :- And won't they potssi awi s--r«je wfc aae i- And frown at dear iupeusox? g And all the men will BKdg« an<s (j&ai"", But I don't care, lisntj'- — ' For let them joke and Ist iLt-iu la»ja»!! 'j I'll not be Kissed to-dar- . —Eden. Hay. UNDER DIFFICULTIES. 0 Oh. 1-lovely one! h-h-hear m-mmme * Is a-a-lt I ask; •' L " I long to b-b-be with the© y ~ That I may b-b-bask ,v, u Within the w-w-warmth divine 10 Of th-th-thy caress. 0 W-w-wilt thou be m-ni-mine? iT Oh, answer, "Y-y-ye&!" ie Good thir, alath! I canot thay ;d Thith thing thou athketb me. hi Thop ! lithen ! haihtea not away ! a The reathon'th plain to thee. to If J for theven ageth thlrove le My antlrwer to ekthpreth ig To thith the thtory of thy love, 10 That anthwer'd thtill be "Yeth!" ti- — Arthur Crawfoid, in the Smart Set. je REPARTEE. er " This golf is far too tame for me !" c c Heroic fires burned in her eye. :d "To hunt, to fight, and to rove the sea, le The daring deeds I long to try! Ie I'm sure I was meant for a man !" said le she. io "You were, and would I were he!" s- quoth I. :h — W. F. Dix, in $he Century. :!i !i " THE NE.W CURATE. The curate had just arrived. He was young, good-looking, and single, anct consequently very popular with the ladies of the parish whose appreciation took the usual form of worked slippers. Rely cently the following episodeiv occurred:*— id Fair Caller: "You see. I wanted to ie work Mr. Chasuble a. pair of slippers, sy and I thought you might lend me one rs of his old shoes to get the size." ;e Curate's Landlady — "Law, miss, the ie shoes is all a-given out four days ago. is And it was only yesterday morning a >y lady, as had heered his shoes was all beic spoke, came here a-imploring of me to ir let her meisuie the wet footmarks in :d the reverend gentleman's bathroom immeis diately he had gone out!" °a A CAUTIOUS LANDLORD. "}> A nervous commercial, who carries } v with him wherever he goes a coil of in rope, was asked by the landlord of a ul small fcolel near B what the roj« :a flas foa\ " "That's' a fire-escape," explained the ln visitor, " and I always ha^e it with me, so ihut in case of iiro I can let myself '" down from the window." * c " Seetns like a ra-ther good idea," said !U tho landlord, "but guests with fire-es-c'e ' dapes pay in advance at this hotel." m ct PRACTICAL. Tiiere is a great difference between nations on the score of practicality. 'Even a race of' thinkeis may not possess a grasp of affairs. The htory js told ) that an Englishman, traveling in Germany, kept constantly putting his head out of the window of the railway carId riage. He did it once too often, and a pt gust of wind blew away his hat. Quick £-0 as thought he took down his hnt-box £s and hurled it also out of tho window. Ie His German fellow-travellers roared -ii with laughter, and one of them said : 8- " You don't expect your hat-box to bring it your hat back, do you ':" ie "I do," said the Englishman. "No name on the hat — full name and address V" on the box. They"H be found together, "j- and I shall get. both."' °1* Then those Germans subsided, and said ]c they had always considered the English r - a practical nation, ie • , *' s WASTED ADMIRATION. le Woman (snappishly) : " Well, what do ii. you want?" o f Handsome Harry (sweetly, almost piously): "Ah, mum, I stopped ter adie mire da-t remarkable child uv yours. If ip I ever saen a perfect picier wv Napoleon tl- Bonyparte in his prune it's dat kid — It same shaped head, same noie, eyes an' i- mout*. De "only rfftferenco is, da kid's — glance is a trifle more piercin' dan Bony!s wnz." • Woman : " I never saw that boy before in nay life. If you don't movo on I'll unchain my bulldog." — Leslie's Weekly. ill ACCOUNTED FOR. [ s Maude : " Charlie Wiggins sent mo a c handsome mirror for a birthday present." ' Clara : " That accounts for the lunuy ** Question he atked me the other cvenj* in 8-" ■j Maude: "What did he ask you?" " r Clara : '' If a woman ever got too old t j to bo pleased with a looking-glass." f_ EXPLAINED. Visitor: '"You don't mean to te"ll me that that poor fellow there is John Rascomb'a son? Why, I can remember when he was considered the brightest, most promising fellow in town." Native : " Yes, so he wss ; but, you *" see, he got to spending his time read18 ing articles on 'how to succeed.'" »s AN EVENT. n With loud hurrahs tho populace ape proacb the rostrum*, where stands a modlf est man who seems to deprecate theii enjj thusiasm. " I thank you," he says, " for this medal, but I did no more than any . other man should have done in my place."' With renewed cheers the popuo lace bear him away on fcihair shoulders. n "Whoso life did he save?" asks t> strang- . er of one ou the edge of tho crowd.

"Nobody's," is tho reply. "He js the first newspaper hian who ever ft rote an article about the opening of the oyster &ea&on without refeiring to it as tl*o luscious bivalve."' A NEW CONVENTION. Little Elsie was a faithful attendant" at Sunday-school, and had listened earnestly when plans for a coming Umstiaa Endeavour convention were dibcusaed, hec interest increasing to enthusiasm over the mysterious affair when t>ae learned that her auntie was to attend as n delegate. Coming into the library, auntie saw the htile muid engaged m writing a letter to a cousin. She scrawled industriously for a, moment, then slopped. Theie was a puzzled exjjiresaion on her iujk-btamed face. 'Auatio," she said, "how do you spell 'devil?'" "Oh, itfisie," said her auntie, "I am ! Why are you übing such a, woid as that in 3'our letter? Nice little girls never bay such things !" It was Elsie's turn to "bo shocked. . "Why, auntie," she cried, "I'm only telling her about the Christian and devil convention !"— Harper's Magazine. THE JOKER IS KOW MISSING. 'lhe olaei 1 u«*y a ma.ii, hitherto without a bpui oa xiis character, enquired WM.h \\ eii-ieigned innocence — "Jl»\v can uve persons divide live eggs so that eacli man will receive one, and will one remain in the cliah?" oilier U« company went all but di» traded in ihc niuzt* of this proposition, tee ie-iow niw.my s>aid — ■- "Oac takes the di&h with the egg." SMAfcT OF IKE ELEPHANT. *'i~jJtJLu3 saoji, animals, to my cxperl> «tiey liit -u'-piwat vs. the imaneit ol the viiUi-s y.^i^j &<*& tse ex-canva&mau. "i j-pia^juOw lyadt la 63, when L was wjiili JkJm-uuaa. w« Kripror showed one &y ht wniC Jiavt 1 ./' "Oi, giTe it up!" I vun'i yu u> Utt^w-?, I'll prove jt it) }w mi nw\* aw® cunutes. Well, v* 1 vut t'cM-jfjj j^' fellow got into ji t>a%pv wjwa; tui* jwyat Bengal tiger, aud 'K>j.\' v* w;uS> jut eta separated* he £.w ita, toutr pa-iay fceiity c-iawed up. •j Alixi iwi* vaija»aiJii.st ■waar orer Emp'roi iw v&lXa jck*<& p <, 4 t<S starts down tho rus&A iuu si4is lisa"! ma. *He's goin' nrj^ffi-," *Msa*asuiy feoltts. 'Dmi'l you be;3tT« a, i*jt I. ivow, where do you tupi.-'j^ lair, tient *knhant vent to':" *-V.*ai *tr<u^at u> tfc* "surgeon's, I supp&«. Hay, aon's, xoa get, up a bett«r y*rn ** "S%w. He didn't go to the tarjLuxis, neither. He vrent straight to a little pornsu.r.i«&u thop which had -a «iga oat liac f^id— l'runks repaired ■wtile you Trait.' Of cxrar&e, he had made a m«t?ke, bat what do you expect of a poor dumb brute?" A CAREFUL SERVANT. Some years ago the captain of one qf H.M."e ships, whilst in quaiantine at Auckland, owing lo one slight case of fever, received some valuable carrier pigeons. He gave his coloured ' servant strict oklers to take gieat care of them. A few days afterwards the captain, wishing to make use of the birds, enquired of his servant if he had takeu great care of them. "Oh, yes," replied he ; "me nab taken berry great car© ol dam. Dey no fly I away, 'cause I hafc clipped dere winggl" HE KNEW ALL ABOUT IT. He came into the office looking greatly worried. "I wish," said he to the advertising man, "to advertise a lost dog, and I want you to put it in big type— the bigger the better— and say I'll give a 5 sovereign for the, return of the animal. l * Now I^think of it, you can double the * reward, for I've got to have the dog J 1 back." "When was he lost?" enquired '■' the advertising man. "Yesterday. Ho went away with one of my boys and 0 failed to return." "Couldn't the boy !>! > tell you where he lost thb dog-?" "No ; c he was lost with the dog, and I haven't found him yet." "What!" exclaimed the c newspaper jnan. "You don't mean to >• say that the boy is lost and you are a only advertising for the return of the J - dog?" "Certainly I do. The boy will 0 be returned fre.; of cost, but it takes n mwiey to get a dog back. I know al] } " about it. I've lost them both before.' 1 • And the, newspaper man had accumulated some moro knowledge. is HIS PESSIMISTIC VIEW. >f Uncle Josh— lt seems to me thertft a jest two things you kin do if j'ou've got * rheumati&m. Uncle Silas— What's tbem. c Uncle Josh — "You kin grin an* bear it, s. or you don't need ter grin. QUIET. • d Proprietor of boardinghouse— We aim '* at quiet above all things. Guest— Yes, I've remarked £hat> the tablo never groans. n "What will you do when you are a -. man, Tommy?" 'Til grow a beard, bes cause then I Avon't have neariy so much 1 face to wash," s&id Tommy. Hicks: '"Did yoi get the peaceful rest ft m camp that you expected!" Wicks: - 'P^o ; you see, mv sat up all night playing a jokes on one ar.ot.vsr." k On the banks of a rivulet near Su-abane s is a svona be&riHg tkis inscription: "Take notice, that when this stone is out of I sight it is not safe to ford ilie river." : Jinks: "Most things tiiat sre bought go g to the buyer." Jenks: "Yes. all except coal; that goes to the cellar.'" 0 What More?— Ho: "You might at least s have given me some warning that you were going to tiirow me over." She: "Well, haven't I been nice to you for over j a week?" \l Mrs. Haxtt: "Yes, I have no doubt there are unhappy marriages, but really I cannot understand how they are possible. Now; there's George and I, we «are so devoted. He says he could not 0 exist without me, and Fm sure I live only for him." Mrs. Greene : "You are to be t congratulated, both of you. How* long ' •- have you been married?" Mrs. Hartt: f '"Just a week day after to-morrow." a "liow well I remember," said Dumlcy, - as he proudly brandished the sword, "the t' first time tnat I ever drew that once shins ing binder* "Wftere did you draw it, s Dumley?" enquired Featherly; "in a raffle?" b A Diplomat. — Gladys : "If she doesn't 1 love him, why does she encourage him?" Edith: ''"Well; she's hoping her fathei will suspect she loves him and send her a trJp to Europe to overcome her iufatua- ,, tion !"*— Puck. > Mr. M'Call : "Good evening, Bobby, is ( , your sister at home?" Bobby: "I don't . know. I heard he tellin' Ma she expected a proprosal to-night, an' if you ain't the feller I guess she ain't home." j Mrs. Smith : "I dedare this leg of mutton has shrunk away almost to nothing." Willie Smith : "Perhaps, mamma, it came oft" the same sheep as my flannel did." Mr. Meek, m - lio had gone to the front 1 door to anßwer the postman's knock, pufc - his head inside the door of the room 1 where his wife was sitting. "It's a letter for mo, dear," he said. "Shall I open it?" 1 Stage Director: "What shall 1 do with ' the wealthy young amateur you engaged this morning?" • Manager: "What can ha do ?" Stage Director : "He says ho is willing to play the smallest parts." Manager : - "Cast him for tlie armour in the baronial- - castle scene." Day: "Has old Timelock forgiven you r for eloping with his daughter?" Weeks : ' "Forgiven me? I haven't atkod him t since I discovered he ordered the car- - riage in vrhich we ran away.'" "Papa, what is 'inertia?'" "Well, if ■ I have it, it is pure laziness, but if your , mother has it. it is nervous prostration."