WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LX, Issue 18, 21 July 1900, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

REVENGE INDEED! "Oh, Eleanor, I am so glad to find you here! I went over to see Kit this morning," she continued, "and I ran up to her room, as we always do, you know." "Yes," assented Eleanor. "And she was crying. All round her •on the floor were letters, and on the bed more letters. I said, 'Mercy, Kit, what's tho matter? ' Every little while she would make a. vicious dig at a letter and appear to be writing. 'What are you doing V I asked. "'Well,' said Kit, 'you know Clarenca and I have had a quarrel — and I'm glad of it,' and here she sobbed the gladdest kind of sob, 'and — he sent all my letters back — and the silver hat brush and cigarette case — the lovely pipe I gave with his name engraved on it — and — oh, Daisy — I can't use any of them — hc-w can I? — and so I'm getting his letters ready to return — I'm — I'm correcting them.' And then she laughed and made another dig with the pen. " 'Correcting them?' I gasped. > " 'Yes, correcting them. You know, Clarence is -a terrible speller, so I have gone over every letter in red ink, and made him see that it was intentional. Humph ! I fancy he won't tell another man he broke it off.' "I couldn't help laughing ; but wasn't it a fine revenge?" "" OBEYING ORDERS. Even an extremely aggressive enemy can be easily conquered by strategy ; it is only a question, of employing the stratagem exactly fitted to the case. An openair preacher understood this very well, and his stratagem fitted to a charm. He waa addressing a crowd, when a soicuer who had been drinking came up, and loudly ridiculed the service. Finding that it was useless to ignore tha man, the preacher said : — "Ah, my friend, you're no soldier ; you've only borrowed those gay clothes ! No servant of Her Majesty the Queen would get drunk and interrupt a peaceful service." r The man warmly protested that he was a soldier, and invited the' preacher to test him. "Very "well," was the reply, "I will. Now then, stand at ease !" This the soldier did as well as his condition allowed. \ "Right about face I" This order was also obeyed, though with some trouble. "Now, quick marc- 1" And off went the valiant soldier, marching down the Mile End road at a vigorous pace, while the preacher resumed his discourse. "Daddy," asked little Jack, "where does a snake begin when he wants to wag his tail?" "But yours is such a narrow life," said the holiday-maker. "Oh, I dunno !" said the fanner. "It's spread over 320 acres." "I have here a neat and pretty little letter-opener," began the agent. "So have I a% home," said the business man ; "I am married. "No," remarked the bootmaker, "I'm not a doctor, nor an undertaker, nor a public hangman, but I've seen the last of many a man." At an Irish horse show. A fact. Official at the turnstile to fat lady— "Sure 'tis no use, ma'am, yell have to come in by the way out." Mistress (arranging for the dinner)— "Didn't the grocer send the macaroni"/" Cook — "Yes, mum, but Oi sent it back. Every one of them stims wuz empty." "My character," said an alderman, who had cleared himself from a charge of bribery, "my {character, sir, is like my boots— all the brighter for blacking." Teacher— "Johnny, J how many different kinds of force are there?" Johnny — "Three kinds." Teacher — "Name them." Jolinny —"Bodily force, mental force, and the police force." Manager (to actor) — In the new piece you will die in the fifth act: There will be a funeral song for three voices, and as we have only two singers you will have to help them out.* Bach — "Do^'pu think a man who has his way to make ought to get married?" Diek — "Well, it depends on the wife he gets. Some women, you know, would object to his having his way." Here is a witticism of Lord Rosebery's, told by a lady who heard him say it at a dinner — "Memory," said Lord Rosebery, "is a feeling that steals over us when we listen to our friends' original stories." "Brother," said tie cannibal chief, facetiously, "in about fifteen minutes you will be in • the soup." "Oh, dear!" groaned the missionary, "I suppose that must be what people call native humour." She— "lt's strange how the smallest things in life make the biggest difficulties." He— "That's so. Last night, for instance, I could find the 'house all right, but for the life of me I couldn't find the keyhole. " Pretty Cashier: "You might give me a holiday to recruit my health. My beauty, is' beginning to fade." " Manager : "Why* do you think so?" Pretty Cashier : "The men are -eginning to count their change." Manager (to stubborn actress) : "Well, is your mind made up to go on?" Actress: <r No sir, it is not." Manager: "Why not?" Actress : '-'It doesn't require it. Thank goodness, it's the on« thing about me that is natural."' "Now, dear," stud the kind-hearted friend to the new widow, "everything is attended' to, 1 believe— is it not?" "V— y— es, I think so," replied tha weeping willowy young thing between sobs, "except my cycle. It hasn't been reenamelled in black. Will you see to that, please?" Hicks : "Did you hear about the row at Howbig's" house? IVirs. H. discovered a letter in- his pocket" in a lady's handwriting." Wicks: "Tho dickens she did! Do you know, I always suspeoted Howbig." Hicks : "It was a letter that Mrs. Howbig wrote, ten days before and gave him to post." ' A good excuse — "Now, madam," said the crotchety judge, who had been annoyed by the digressions of previous female witnesses, "we want no hearsay evidence. Tell lomly what you know. Your name, please?" l! Mary Jones," replied the witness. "Your age?" "Well— er— l only have hearsay evidence on that point, so I won't answer." Friend (noticing the confused heap of goods of every description scattered promiscuously about " the shop) : "Hallo, what's happened? Been taking an inventory, had a- fire, or are you going to move?" Draper: "That shows how little you know about the drapery business. We have merely been serving a lady who dropped in for a packet of pins." "Isn't there something in my policy," asked a caller at an insurance office the other day, "about my having to report any change of residence?" "Yes, sir," said the man at the nearest desk, picking up a pen. "Where have you moved to_?" "I haven't moved anywhere," rejoined the caller. "I have made a cbange in my residenca by paiating it a light straw colour and putting a chimney-pot on the kitchen-chimney. I think that's all. Good-day." Somebody asked William M. Evarts, not long ago, how it was that he had contrived to reach the age of 82. " You have always eaten just what you pleased, gone to bed when you got ready, and recklessly violated most of the health homilies. You haven't much of a constitution, you are extremely delicate of physique; and yet you are still with us. How do you account for it?" Mr. Evarts slowly smiled. "Well," he said, with grim humour, "I suppose it's because I never took any exercise.."