WIT AND HUMOUR. AN ELOPEMENT A.D. 1900.

Evening Post, Volume LIX, Issue 11, 13 January 1900, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR. AN ELOPEMENT A.D. 1900.

"Come, darling George, let us fly!" The speaker, a beautiful and aristocratic maiden in cycling costume, pressod the trembling young mar closer to her bosom and sustained his- half-fainting form on her muscular aim. " But it is so daring, ' said George, blushing deepily. " What will mother say?" . " Bother your mother ! If we wait a dozen years she will never give her consent. Come, darling, I have brought the double bike and the special license. We will ride all night, roach London by breakfast time, and bo married at once-. " I cannot, I cannot," stammered George " People will say such things. They'll call me forward and unmanly. And oh, Henrietta, I had so set my heart on a proper wedding, and the bridesmaids and tie presents." " You shall have loads of presents, my own. I've been doing awfully well on the Stock Exchange lately, and you shall have jusfc ivhdb inn-money you like.' "My brothers will have a thousand pounds each when uicy marry, if mother approves of the match, and I shan't get a penny from her.' The young man began to cry quietly. "I think you might trust me a little more," said Henrietta. " I have promised to make you happy. Come, love, let us start.' "But I can't take my boxes with me. How am I to manage without my hairbrushes and all that? You women don't think of all these things." Henrietta gave her knickerbockers an impatient hitch. " Dear child," she said, "wo can get all that to-morrow morning. Come, you say you are unhappy at home. Be brave and taste the sweets of freedom." She led her fiancee firmly to the bicycle. " One kiss for luck," sho said, embracing him. Then she helped him on to his saddle, and they started. ' Their progress was slotv, for Georgo was no light weight. As they rested for a moment, after the athletic Henrieta had pushed her lover up a steep hill, they looked back and saw a figure on wheels in the distance. Georgo pave a little gasp of dismay. "It is mother," he said. Then, smiling again, he added, " But she won't catch us." "I don't know about that," said, his companion. " She was amateur champion not so many^ears ago, and we don't get on very fast." "Ah," said George, smiling and flushing prettily, " but I geared her machine down to 35 yesterday.' — Fun. A defective hammock has caused many lovers to fall out. •The only thing that gives weight to a fish story is the scales. Laugh a little more at your own troubles, and a little less at your neighbours'. The person who is always trying to show off is the one who ought to bo shown up. Richly — "Money talks." Scrimpers — "Yes ; but through the long-distance telephone in my case." Tom — "She says her face is her fortune." Lucy — "Well, she certainly. ought to take advantage of the bankruptcy law." "But," said the philosopher, "still water runs deep, you know." "Well, what of it?" (replied the pessimist. "I've seen rusty nails that did the same thing." Jingo — "What did the minister say when the plate came up?" Hingso-— "He said he wouldn't mind so much if the buttons were all alike." Wife — "If you keep on like this I shall certainly lose my temper,". Husband—"No danger, my dear. A thing of that isize is . not easily lost." Mrs. C— -"I want a pair of shoes for this little boy." Shoemaker — "French kid, ma'am?" Mrs. C. — "Indade no. He's my own son, and was born and bred in Ireland." Diek — "Isn't it good to have a close fri«nd?" Jack— "Not always. Suppose you want a loan for a few days. Do you think a close friend would be the one to approach." Has His Suspicions. — "When I kiss you, Edgar, you are not afraid I am going to ask for money, are you?" "No, dear ; but I'm afraid you've already cleaned me out while 1 was asleep." Lover, (bravely)— " Sir, I want to marry your daughter." Father (coldly)— "Well, I'm not surprised at that. If I were in your place, I think I should want to marry her myself." Author — "What do you mean, sir, by continually alluding to me as a 'flat.' 1 Publisher— "No offence intended, I assure you. To my certain knowledge you are living wholly on your first story." Jack — "My grandfather had a fine collection of silver, which he bequeathed to my father, on condition that it shouiu always remain in the family." Ethel — "Then you have it still?" Jack— "Well — er— my uncle has it." Ticker— "Things are getting awful on 'Change. The bears have it all their own way." Dicks— "Have they been making new raids?" Ticker— "Yes, they have got so they won't allow a fellow to raise his voice." Father — "Tommy, where are those six apples your mother, put in the cupboard?" Tommy— "l have not touched one." Father— '"Then how is it your mother found five apple cores in yonr bedroom, and only one left in the cupboard?" The conversation had turned upon clubs and bachelors and bachelors' quarters. "Why is it?" she asked dreamily, "that mcD don't marry?" "With your permission," he replied, ''I shall be pleased to prove to you that they do." "Goodness! We'll miss the opera," she said impatiently. "We've been waiting for a good many minutes for that mother of mine." "Hours, 1 should cay, " ho replied, somewhat acrimoniously. "Ours?" cried she rapturously. "0, George, this is so sudden." Then', she fell upon his neck. "I thought the doctor said she ought to go to the seashore." 'He did. But an attack of sickness had made her so thin that she said she knew she'd look like a perfect fright in a bathing suit, so she went to the >nountains instead." New Boarder — "My habits were as regular as clockwork for ten years. I rose oi> the stroke of 6, half-an-hour later I sat down to breakfast ; at 7 I was at work, dined at 12, ate supper at 6, and was in bed at 9.30 ; ate only hearty food, and hadn't a sick day.' Listener (in sympathetic tones) — "What were you training for?" (Awful silence.)