WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LVI, Issue 157, 31 December 1898, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Past Healing. — Worn out shoes. Pairers and Peelers. Clergymen and policemen. Eve was the original woman. All others infringe. It is sometimes easier to gain the daughter's hand than the father's ear. Why must an auctioneer necessarily be sour-faced V Because he always look for-bidding. Time improves everything but women ; they, of course, have been perfect from the beginning. Love may not make the world go round, but it makes young men's arms go around waist places. "I'm from Chicago," he said proudly. " Yes, sir ; all right," replied the hotel clerk. "I'll warn the other guests." Stranger (brightly) — " Fine day!" Chronic Grumbler — "Yes — locally — probably raining somewhere." — Windsor Magazine. ' A Union woman called in the doctor to see her husband, not because he seemed sick, but because he didn't want to go to the circus. As a rule a man who has a moustache he can twist, or whiskers he can stroke, is three times as long making up his mind as one who hasn't. She. — "You know it's a woman's privilege to change her mind." He. — "1 know ; but when a' man changes his he has to pay damages." "What are you -crying for?" asked the mother. "Willie Spratt got ahead of me," bawled the child. "His papa was killed in the war , and mine wasn't." She. — "I was a fool when I married you." He. — "Aren't you a fool still ?" She. — "No — I am not." He. — "Then you should be thankful to me for reforming you." Jack — " Suppose a man is in love with himself and a young lady at the same time, and they are made one." Tom — " Yes ; well ?" Jack — " Which one is left for him to love?" Strategy. — Jimmy. — "But what do you do when you git real sleepy? You don't own up to it, do you?" Tommy. — "Naw ; I go askin' pa fool questions, and he makes me go to bed." Mr. Bilkins, looking up from the paper — "The eminent physician, Dr. Greathead, says there is no exercise so conducive to health in woman as ordinary housework. Mrs. Bilkins — "Huh ; he's married." "Dar ant no good bein' backward in dis life," said Uncle Eben. "De parrot ain't a veiy smart bird, but it manages purty comfortable jes' by gittin' on de perch an' hollerin' de little bit it kpows." "What is the meaning of the word tantalising?" asked the teaoher. "Please, ma'am," spoke up little Johnny Holcomb, "it means a circus procession passing the school-house and the scholars not allowed to look out." Mamma (reprovingly, on Sunday) — " You told me you were going to play church." Little Diek — " Yes'm." " Then I'd like to know what all this loud laughing is about." " Oh, that's Dot and me. We're the choir." Enquiring Person. — "What time did the hotel catch fire?" Fireman. "Midnight." Inquiring Person. — "Everybody get out safe?" Fireman. — "All except the nightwatchman. They couldn't wake him up in time." Little Edie — " Your nose looks just the same as it always did." Mr. Sparkleigh — "Of course. Why shouldn't it?" Little Edie— "l heafd mamma say when Mr. Wilkins came to see sister May that your nose was out of joint." A woman never really begins to get interested in a man until he pays some attention to her — dearest friend. There is more than one way of getting even with a man. One way is to fall in love with him and the other is not. School Trustee. — " Seems to me them fellerß that get up the dictionaries wasted an awful lot of time.*' Village Teacher. — "How?" "School Trustee.— " Puttin' in all them common words that everybody knows the meanin' of. — Puck. Mrs. Knowit. — " Mrs. Strongmind is gradually _• developing her nusband into an ideal man*. He does everything now just as she wants him to." Mrs. Sharper. — "Yes ; and when she has him perfect she will despise him because he didn't have a mind of his Own." " One douar, please," said the clairvoyant. " Not much," he said, " I'll not pay you a cent." "Do you think I reveal the 'future for nothing?" "I don't care unthing about that. You told me I was to marry three times, and I don't propose to put a premium on bad news." " No," said Maud emphatically, "1 don't like him." "But ho is very polite and amiable," suggested M&nue, " and quite intellectual. He always has something interesting to read to you." "I know it. But he's the kind ot young man who carries love-sick poetry in one compartment of his pocketbook and items about icecream poisoning in another." Old Saws Re - set. — Not all gold glitters. It's a short lane that has no turn. There's many a slip 'twixt the race and the tip. It's a good wind that blows nobody ill. A rolling stone finds at last a hollow that fits it. A penny saved is usually five cents' worth of time wasted. A bird in the hand should be caged at once. Faint heart never won a jack-pot from a bluffer. —Puck. " One of the best reasons given for wanting false teeth was that of a coloured boy," said a dentist. "He was a cheerful, goodlooking young coloured man, and put his head in the door of my office and said * Boss, I've got to have some front teeth.' ''All right,'! said, 'I'll make you some.' ' I'se bound to have 'em by Sunday, boss,' he said. ' I suppose you are going to see your girl on Sunday, George? ' ' No, sah,' he assured me, 'I ain't got no gal. I ain't so foolish. But I'se bound to wear them teeth next Sunday.' ' Now, George, tell the truth ; you know you are going to see your girl.' ' No, boss,' he replied with a smile, ' I ain't got no gal, and: I declare I don't expect to see her. But if I should see her, boss, I want to be fixed to smile.' He got the teeth on Saturday." "It isn't often," said the attorney, " that a witness gets the best of a lawyer. But I remember one that got the best of me. I was retained upon a line fence suit between two old farmers. It had been in the Courts for ten years, and bid fair to be there for ten more. It was my first appearance in the matter, I having taken the place of one of the lawyers who died. I was very young, very young. It was my first case. Among the witnesses was an old farmer that I knew personally, having been born and brought up in the same neighbourhood. He was put on the stand to swear to some facts that happened ten years back, and when he was turned over to me (for cross-examination, I proceeded to test the value of his memory dating so far back. 'Do you mean to say,' I began sternly, . ' that you can remember a mere incident that happened ten years ago?' ' Yes, sir,' he answered. Then you mean to say that you can remember on a certain day, ten years ago, that farmer Dunn drove a black 'and white cow into his bae lr , pasture? ' ' Yes, sir, I kin,' he answered. ' Then perhaps,' said I sarcastically, ' you can remember something else that happened on that particular day?' . 'Yes, I kin,' he put in eagerly, 'jes after I saw Farmer Dunn drive that cow of his'n into his back pasture I wuz goin' through my apple orchard when I saw ye and two other kids stealing apples. When ye saw me comin' ye tried to get away ; the other kids did, but I cotched ye when ye kirn p-slidin' down the trunk of the tree — .' Like a flash my memory went back ten years to a very painful experience, and I tried to stop him, but he went on, 'An' I took ye across my lap an' gave ye the all-firedist spankin' that ye ever had,' he concluded. I didn't question his memory Auy further."— Detroit Free Press.