Tangled Affinities.

Evening Post, Volume LV, Issue 101, 30 April 1898, Page 1 (Supplement)

Tangled Affinities.

I was sitting with my father, tho Admiral, before the fire, smoking. The thick lamp-shade threw a soft light- through our cosy room. We had just dined wisely and well. He, with his legs on a chair, was enjoying a weed, while I was sucking a pipe and thinking how I should break it to him. ' Dad,' I said nervously, ' I am going to be married.' 'Quite so,' he replied, without moving his cigar one inch. 'Excuse me, sir, you could not have heard my remark. I said lam going to be married.' ' Quite so ; I knew it was coming. You youngsters are like ostriches, you think no one can see you. I congratulate you, my dear boy, on your choice. Mrs. Quoin is a fine woman. I may say that you have anticipated my own choice. But she is a bit older than you, eh ?' ' Well, yes, ehe is a bit ; but what is five years, when one is thirty-five, tho other thirty? Besides, she is very young for her age, and never looks ifc. As for me, lam older than my yoars. As you know, I have had to look out for myself ever since I was quite a kid ; you were at sea,

j and ' Here I glanced up at the portrait of my mother and then glanced down at the kind, weatherbeaten face of my father. It saddened for a moment. ' Yes, yes, my boy ; you are quite right. In the noon of life what difference does an hour or two make ? As you say, you are old for your age— older than I am. Your prospects are good ; you draw a decent screw from your berth in tho War Office, and ' here he gave a very slight twinkle, 'your dear Louie has something of her own. In fact, as I said before, I congratulate you.' Here he got up, filled a glass of port, and looked towards me. I bowed. He continued — ' Of course you will sail together ; but where do I come in ? You must take me in. tow, Terence.' ' Most certainly, dad. I have arranged ail that with Louie. You, to put it nautically, are to be taken in tow beside the little jolly-boat.' 'And a jolly little boat she is. too. If I had been you I should have pulled up alongside of Violet.' ' Well, I am very fond of my future daughter ; but she is young, very young.' ' And very charming,' added my frivolous parent. ' The arrangement is perfect. When is the event to be?' 'As soon as possible,' said I. And soon it was. We got rid of our bachelor establishment, and with the help of my adorable Louie and her dear daugher Violet -we got a house ready for the return from our honeymoon. Then came the wedding, and off we went for our wedding trip. 'We ' was a partie carree — Louie and myself Violet, and the Admiral. Four was excellent company, as it split up into a very natural pair of twos. Louie and I were very much in love, and took little notice of our daughter and our parent. They paired off beautifully. Violet was a bright, pretty girl, and, as they say, quite the young lady ; she made violent love to my poor father, who, gallant sailor as he was, thoroughly enjoyedj oyed it. Thus, with one pair billing and cooing and the other pair playing at it, we spent a most delightful time. At length we bade farewell to foreign parts and settled down in our new home. There we were as happy as the days were long. Louie and I were as devoted as ever, and my daughter and father were the firmest mess-mates. One evening we male things had retired to tho smoking-room. -Tbe ladies had gone to bed, and we were devoting ourselves to the delights of pow-wow and nicotine. Somehow or other the Admiral was not fit tonight. He looked nervous; it was muggy, and he hates muggy weather. I smoked my pipe and chewed the sweet cud of reflection on Louie. At last my pipe went out, and, as I had nothing else to smoke about, I said : ' Rather close to-night, dad, isn't it?' The Admiral evidently did not hear me. I filled another pipe, and whiffed on. Suddenly, through a cloud of smoke, I heard these words : 'Terence, I am, going to b& married.' I sprang out of my chair. ' Going to be what ?' ' No, married. I have quite made up my mind to that.' I was staggered. I racked my brains to find who his inamorata was. As far as I knew, Louie and Violet were the only women he had practically seen for months. Of course all sailors are amorous, but — • no, I could think of no one. ' Father,' I said, 'aren't you happy with us ? Do you want to leave us ? If so, don't go to such lengths out of politeness.' ' Happy, my boy ? I should think I am, with my dear little Violet.' ■ It flashed across me — it was my daughter, then, Violet I ' But, dad, she is my daughter 1' 'Mind the step,' he said, with ft poor attempt at humour. ' Well, stepdaughter, if you like. But then you will be my son-in-law. 1 'And proud of that I shall be. There are not many men with as fine a father-in-law as yourself, my dear Terence.' ' But,' I stammered, * Violet will be my mo 1 mean my stepmother.' * Quite so.' 1 Then if Violet is my mother, and Louie is her mother, I have married or shall have married my grandmother.' ' Look here, old boy,' said the Admiral kindly, but firmly, ' you go to bed and don't think about it, or your brain will give.' I groaned a good-night. The next morning confirmed the awful truth of last night's revelation. The Admiral and Violet evidently began early; they had been for a walk, and came in looking as fresh as paint, and as smiling as a spring morning. Dimly I foresaw the invetable consequence of my poor father's rash resolution. But why kick against Fate ? Could I forbid my father to marry — even my daughter ?' Besides, once the Admiral had made up his mind, you might as well invite the nearest mountain to tea as try to persuade the old boy. I put on the best face I could. I pretended to be jocular. ♦Well, Violet, I hear you are taking pity on the Admiral and going to marry him.'

'Yes, Papa' (mark the title); 1 tlie Admiral has done me the honour to ask me to sail with him. Isn't it absurd !' ' It is, indeed,' I replied with considerable sincerity. 1 Absurd or no,' said the dad, * I am going to make Vi my wife, as sure as the Thunderbolt was an ironclad.' I did not see the relevancy of the simile. •As you please, sir.' The matter was settled. The wedding was arranged at an early date. I gave my daughter away to my father, and she became my mother. So far so good, or rather so bad. My father was my son-in-law, and my daughter was my mother. I. being my father's son, was my own grandson. Was there ever such n precious muddle? An event soon happened that still further complicated matters. One evening I was called upstairs, and I swelled with pride at the eight of my bonny son. My dear Louie looked radiant. ' Isn't he a beauty !' He certainly was. I wrote to my honeymooning father and mother, or daughter and son-in-law, and told them of the event. This is what I wrote : ' My dear son-in-law, you will be glad to hear that I am the proud father of a gallant son, and you are, or ought to be, a no less proud grandfather. But, more than that, my dear father, he is my daughter's brother, and therefore your brother-in-law as well as grandson. I can tell you, I am just conceited at being his nephew. 'Your mother-in-law and I send love to you and mother, and hope you will soon bo home. Louie is rapidly recovering. — Your affectionate son, Terence.' Soon after this the turtle-doves returned to our nest, and we again settled down as before, with the addition of one. Matters were bad enough before, but woree waa to follow. A fine healthy young sailor arrived, with the Admiral's blue eyes and Violet's witching retrousse nose. But mark the awful result. The young hopeful was my brother ; of that there was no possible doubt. He was also my grandson, because he was my daughter's child, But I was my grandson, therefore it was as clear as Euclid we were grandbrothers. I was, moreover, my wife's grandchild and husband. Now, as the husband of one's granny is one's grandfather, I was my own grandfather. I was crushed at the thought of it. I cried aloud in my agony — ' Oh, father, son-in-law, grandfather, or whatever thou wouldst rather hear, I will forgive thee, but never, never, forget !' — S., in Westminster Budget.